Relationship Rehab: ‘Toxic’ truth about my best friend
They’ve been besties for years, but recently she’s started doing something he’s finding increasingly hard to ignore — with good reason.
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Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a man reeling from a “toxic” friendship, a mother struggling with her husband’s parenting and a man who can’t stand his girlfriend’s “vapid” best friend.
QUESTION: I called out my best friend of two and a half years for her repeated “I want a break from our friendship” behaviour, which has gotten longer each successive time. I’m not allowed to contact her; only she decides when to re-engage the friendship.
In hindsight I could/should have phrased it carefully instead of commenting it was akin to abuse (I used the term domestic violence to her, which really set her off as she was twice a victim of DV).
She got really upset, so I promptly apologised and retracted my words. Then she told me she been ignoring most of my recent messages and she needed space away from me, effectively taking a break from our friendship and told me not to contact her.
After two weeks of silence, I emailed her and she promptly blocked me on social media (even though we haven’t chatted through social media in those two weeks) and angrily told me not to email her or she would block me via email too as I was ignoring her request for space.
She refuses to renew the friendship “at this stage” because of this “ignoring of her wishes”. I’m too scared to lose the friendship so I haven’t contacted her since. That’s nearly four weeks ago. So this latest “time-out” is nearly two months.
The first time was a month, the second time was six weeks. Each time she wants time apart she makes me feel that I’m the one messing up this friendship.
This is the same friend who four weeks prior to this latest “time-out” said I’m her rock and two weeks prior to this said I’m her greatest friend. I have always been there for her no matter what.
I thought best friends should be able to call out each other for undesirable behaviour but it seems OK for her to call me out for mine only, not vice-versa.
To make matters worse, while the time apart is happening I figured out her MBTI personality is INTJ (introversion + intuition + thinking + judging), the same as mine, which probably means frequent “time-outs” and “running away”, except I’ve never asked for space or run from her.
How do I repair the friendship? Can it be repaired? She means the world to me but I know the reverse isn’t. I did promise to be her friend for life and to be always there for her. To me truth and loyalty are extremely important.
How long should I give her the space she requested? Indefinitely? Is she asking for space or simply stonewalling? Is there a difference? If I’m in the wrong, how can I get the message across to her?
I am utterly confused and feeling altogether lost and hurt. Where do I go from here?
ANSWER: This sounds like an incredibly toxic and unhealthy friendship.
Is your friend giving you any reason for this “break” — or can you think of any real reason why she is asking for space from you? Did she offer a reason any of the other times she asked for space?
If you have done something “wrong”, I’m wondering why she hasn’t told you this. I’m also wondering why she continues the cycle of “blocking you” and then reigniting the friendship.
If there isn’t something major that you’ve done to warrant this, I’m wondering why you still want her in your life.
Either way, it’s not a healthy dynamic for either of you.
From what you’ve said, this sounds like an unhealthy and one-sided friendship. As you said “she means the world to me”, but the reverse doesn’t seem to be true.
It also sounds like a very up and down relationship. The less compassionate side of me would call her behaviour “controlling” as she seems to say wonderful things to you sometimes, but then leave you in the dark at other times wondering what you can do for her to fix the relationship.
I don’t think you’re far from the truth when you named it as an abusive pattern.
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If she has two experiences with domestic violence, it’s likely she has her own challenges with relationships and is used to having unhealthy dynamics in her life. I’m actually wondering if she has mental health issues based on the seeming up and down way that she’s treating you.
The difference between space and stonewalling is that space is communicated clearly and there’s a clearly indicated intention to come back. Stonewalling is when we simply withdraw physically or emotionally from a relationship, rebutting attempts from someone else to engage us.
It’s understandable that you’re feeling hurt and lost, but I don’t think trying to fix the friendship with her is the best way to make yourself feel better.
Yes, sometimes we might promise something to someone and really want to be loyal, but if the circumstances change, it’s okay for us to change.
Work on your own self esteem.
Understand what keeps you “hooked” in a relationship that is so one-sided. What is your own relationship history like? What kinds of friendships and relationships have you found yourself in? This might be something that you want to explore in therapy.
Look for other more healthy relationships and build your support networks with these people.
MY HUSBAND DOESN’T TAKE PARENTING AS SERIOUSLY AS I DO
QUESTION: I just can’t get my partner to engage with parenting to the extent that I do, and it kills me to see him do or say things to our son that I think are damaging, all because he refuses to read the various articles on raising boys I have sent him. How can we resolve this? It’s eating me up inside.
ANSWER: Women are often more conditioned for relationships than men. Women also sometimes have more time with their children that allows their relationship to develop differently.
If you keep trying to “get him to do things” you’re probably going to end up angry with him as well as feeling helpless and disappointed.
You can model the communication and behaviour that feels good to you – both with your son and your husband.
Share, using a process of speaking from “I” and sharing your own emotions around it.
For example: “I feel sad when I see disagreements between you and our son.”
Unless your son is physically or emotionally in danger, it might be a matter of letting him make his own mistakes. They need to have their own relationship.
I HATE MY GIRLFRIEND’S ‘VAPID’ BEST FRIEND
QUESTION: I love my girlfriend, but I can’t stand her best friend. She brings out a really vapid, self-obsessed side to my girlfriend and they drink way too much. I know they’ve been mates for years but I think their relationship has turned toxic and she’s outgrown it. How do I make her see this?
ANSWER: I always find that wording in a question: “How do I make someone see this?” interesting. It implies that there’s a right way of seeing something and doesn’t leave much space for understanding each other.
This friend doesn’t cause these aspects to your girlfriend, they’re already within her.
Share how your girlfriend’s behaviour impacts you.
But also be curious — how does she feel about the friendship? What keeps her there? What does she get out of it? What is behind her drinking so much?
This might give you some more insight and understanding about your girlfriends perspective and how important this friendship is to her.
The real questions are: does she want to look at her own behaviour and change?
Can you love her anyway?
Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.
If you have a question for Isiah, email relationship.rehab@news.com.au
Originally published as Relationship Rehab: ‘Toxic’ truth about my best friend