Relationship Rehab: Reason couple ‘can’t stop fighting’

Admitting it’s “probably not the usual argument” people have, the couple are constantly arguing and it’s “really starting to come between us”.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a couple who can’t stop fighting over housework.

Question: I know this must be such a common issue that couples argue about, but my partner and I just can’t stop fighting over the household chores. It’s probably not the usual argument that couples have, because my partner really does a lot around the house, but he doesn’t do it the way I want. Every time I see it done a different way, I tell him and it starts a fight. I know I should be happy that he does anything, but I feel like I just have to do it again later anyway. It’s really starting to come between us. How can we agree on how things should be done?

Answer: You’re not the only couple to argue about this. When I first heard this raised by a couple in therapy, I was slightly confused, but over the years, I’ve realised there are valid underlying reasons for it and, you’ll be pleased to know, also helpful steps couples can take to overcome these arguments.

While many couples argue about the division of chores and wanting the other person to do more, it’s also common for couples to argue about when they’re done, the standard or way they’re done. We often have certain tasks that we like done in a specific way – or experience differences on what is an acceptable standard for doing a particular job.

So, how can you deal with your partner not doing the chores ‘correctly’?

Understand why it’s an issue for you

This requires you to dive deep and understand yourself. Underneath all issues couples argue about are emotions and needs.

I’ve heard many different emotions and needs shared for having the chores done in a particular way. Some people have expressed anxiety about the cost of clothes if they’re not washed in a particular way. Some have expressed shame that the house isn’t spotless. Others have expressed feeling out of control when the house feels out of control.

Getting clear on what the core issues are for you can help reduce your emotional charge and assist you to have a more effective conversation with your partner about the issue.

Be aware of possible ‘gatekeeping’

‘Gatekeeping’ refers to a reluctance to relinquish control over a particular issue and instead remain psychologically in control of it. Women can hold particularly high standards for parenting and household tasks, which experts connect to the cultural responsibility placed on women for these.

It has also been connected to anxiety and depression and low relationship stability.

Remember that you’re a team

I’m going to guess that right now your partner feels confused, frustrated and undermined around this issue right now.

Remember that you’re a team, working together and making sure both your needs are met is vital to the longevity of your relationship.

Increasing connection in your relationship can help you become more flexible in your relationship.

Talk about it

Consistently asking a partner to do something in a particular way can sound critical or nagging. This usually leads them to shut down and withdraw. Changing the way you communicate can help you work on the issue together and find solutions that work for both of you.

When you can explain your underlying emotions and needs to your partner (without blaming or criticising), you’re more likely to reach better outcomes together. Often when someone can understand why something is so important to a partner, they’re more likely to want to help meet their partner’s needs.

Couples who divide chores equally are more likely to have happy relationships. Picture: iStock.

Manage the division of chores

Couples who divide the chores equally have reported higher relationship and sexual satisfaction than couples where the load is unequal or divided into different domains such as ‘I do inside and you do outside’.

Agree to a system

If something is important to you (but not to your partner) work out how you can take steps that work for both of you. One couple I know created 4 different washing baskets and a schedule. That ensured clothes were washed in the way that felt important to her, but he didn’t feel like there was extra work or criticism about the way he did it.

Hire a cleaner if you can afford it

While I realise this isn’t a luxury everyone can afford, many couples I’ve worked with report less tension and greater enjoyment of their time together when they outsource the bulk of what needs to be done.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

Originally published as Relationship Rehab: Reason couple ‘can’t stop fighting’