‘Getting married is not good for women – but it serves men well’

There’s a stark reason why marriage is good for men but women suffer. This has changed the way many people are thinking about marriage.

OPINION

I have no desire to get married, and why would I? It will lower my life expectancy.

I’ve been living with my boyfriend for just over a year, and we are both at that age where people love to ask that question. When will you get married? Has he proposed? Do you want to get married?

Never. No. No.

I firmly don’t want to get married, and I’ve always felt that way. I’m not religious, and my parents aren’t married but have been together for over 30 years. Like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, they are also happily unmarried.

I always admired that my mum kept her own last name and own bank account. That seemed far more inspirational than any white dress wedding moment. I’m Carrie in Sex And The City when she’s engaged to Aidan: the idea of getting married makes me want to break out in a rash.

Mary Madigan has no desire to don a white dress and get married. Picture: Samantha Gades, Unsplash

My disinterest in marriage also stems from my own sense of self-preservation. I’m aware that marriage benefits men more than women, not just because I follow Clementine Ford on Instagram or because I’ve been to enough family Christmas dinners to recognise the women working tirelessly while the men in my family drink beer and wander around.

Research out there tells me it is in my best interest not to bother walking down the aisle. Behavioural scientist Paul Dolan has been speaking about the negative impact marriage has on women for years. In 2019, the Guardian reported him saying: “If you’re a man, you should probably get married; if you’re a woman, don’t bother.”

Interestingly, Professor Dolan found that men’s life vastly improves when they get married. They earn more money, take fewer risks and live longer. Meanwhile, women’s happiness plunges and they die sooner than if they were never married.

Marriage is often good for men. Women not so much. Picture: Anthony Tran, Unsplash

I realise marriage has changed, and expectations like taking the man’s name and giving up financial independence have faded, but I think aligning yourself with an archaic institution does tend to lend itself to people feeling more pressure to assume traditional gender roles. Seriously, wedding vows used to include women promising to obey their husbands, and the reason women wear white is that it’s meant to represent being virginal – gross.

I look at my relationship with my boyfriend, and it feels incredibly even and healthy. Why on earth would I want to align myself with something as outdated as marriage? It just seems odd to want to recognise our relationship via an institution that doesn’t really support women. Think about it. As soon as you are married, women are encouraged to erase their identities by taking their partners’ names.

Mary Madigan is happily unmarried. Picture: Instagram

I hear and love plenty of women that say they’ve revamped the meaning of getting married. Including not just having their dad walk them down the aisle, you know, because as Taylor Swift sings, “F**k the patriarchy!” But if you are trying desperately to fight against marriage traditions, why bother signing into it in the first place? It’s like holding a gender reveal while simultaneously doing a speech declaring gender doesn’t matter.

I don’t want to get married because it simply holds no appeal. I do care about commitment, but I don’t care about the white dress, the party, or being part of an institution that no longer feels relevant. The research has told me it isn’t going to benefit my life, and frankly, it isn’t in my own best interest. I can totally see the appeal of having a wife. Having a husband? Not so much.

Mary Madigan is a freelance writer.

Originally published as ‘Getting married is not good for women – but it serves men well’