Planning a trip? Here's how to have hotter sex on holiday

Time to rethink your sexpectations   

Most of us have high hopes when it comes to vacation nooky, but 60 per cent come home disappointed. So what’s the issue? 

Apart from the sun and sea, there’s one thing many of us dream of on holiday: amazing sex — or at least better or more frequent sex than we have at home. Once we relax, with no obligations beyond securing our loungers by the pool and deciding where to go for dinner, surely all those long-standing marital niggles will dissipate, and we’ll feel like honeymooners again?

Despite all our great sexpectations (sorry), holidays don’t always turn out to be the erotic nirvana we imagined. The proof? A Durex survey of 2,000 adults found that although 52 per cent expected to have better sex while away, 60 per cent ended up coming home disappointed.

“People build their expectations of reconnection — sexual and emotional — on holiday,” says Susanna Abse, the consultant psychotherapist and author of Tell Me the Truth About Love. So what to do if your best-laid plans fall flat? We asked the experts how to boost your intimacy bond, and your chances of vacation satisfaction, in more ways than one.

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Too much pressure can kill the mood

Disappointment lives in the gap between expectation and reality, so if your sex life has been humdrum at home, fixating on the Hollywood-style sex you’ll have on holiday is a recipe for disaster.

“Putting unnecessary pressure on holiday sex can actually have the opposite effect, as your expectations can become inhibiting,” says Kate Moyle, a sexual and relationship psychotherapist and author of The Science of Sex (Penguin Books). “The reality is, we may actually need a few days to relax and enjoy our holiday and get into a more open mindset, rather than expecting to experience sexual desire the minute we unpack.”

The New York sex therapist Stephen Snyder MD, author of Love Worth Making (Griffin Publishing), agrees. “Treat the first time as a ‘warm-up’,” he suggests. “If you haven’t had sex for a while, don’t feel you have to go all the way the first night you’re on holiday.” Maybe just kiss. “Then fall asleep feeling aroused and have sex in the morning when you’re more rested.”

Don't put too much pressure on you or your partner to 'nail' your sexpectations on the first night. Image: iStock

If there’s lingering resentment, a holiday won’t fix your sex life

One glance at that jaw-dropping view and we hope we’ll melt into each other’s arms, but if there have been lingering unresolved issues between you, you’re likely to bring them away with you, Abse says, “which often makes things worse, because you’re doubly disappointed”.

Oddly, although not being distracted by work and children should really be a bonus, “it can be those demands that make us forget that there’s a great gaping hole at the centre of our lives”.

Be open about your expectations — but don’t overthink it

Note to self: our partners aren’t mind-readers. “Before leaving on holiday, sometimes it’s a good idea to each communicate your hopes and expectations for what you’d like to happen, sexually, in the days ahead,” Snyder says. “In sex therapy we call this the ‘pizza approach’, since it resembles ordering one: ‘How much pizza do you want? What toppings? When should it arrive?’ Be as specific as possible.”

Though, if the mood takes you, don’t overthink it. “For all the supposed benefits of verbal communication, it’s no substitute for just physically enjoying your partner,” Snyder says. “Most of us are dying to be enjoyed.”

Open communication is key to sparking (or reigniting) the romance. Image: Unsplash

Don’t expect to have hot sex on a multigenerational holiday

Going away with your kids and your parents? Three words: Keep expectations low. As Snyder says, “Multigenerational holidays tend to be so emotionally draining that it’s a wonder anyone has sex on them at all.” Just knowing your in-laws are sleeping in the thin-walled room next door can enforce celibacy for the duration. And if the kids are young, the odds of a sextravaganza are slim.

“If parents expect two weeks on a Greek island with young children to provide them with the sexy playful experience they had pre-parenthood they are likely to be quite disappointed,” says Abse. “I advise couples to split the day, if they can,” Snyder adds. “One person does childcare while the other naps, or reads, or lies around gazing at the ocean. That’s important, since if we’re not well rested most of us crave sleep more than sex.”

Mini-breaks can be sexier than two weeks away

Why put so much pressure on your big family holiday in the first place? Treating yourselves to short selfish breaks à deux can be the answer — for long-term couples too, if you’re out of the habit.

Saving up for a nice hotel once or twice a year provides the space and time to focus on each other, Abse says. “And even better, a nice hotel can deliver that lovely feeling of being cosseted and special — which sets the scene for mutual seduction.” One sexy weekend away coming right up.

Try a weekend getaway for a low-key way to reconnect. Image: iStock

Overconsumption of Aperol spritz won’t help

The fantasy for many couples is slipping back to the room in the heat of the day after a couple of cocktails on the sunlounger. But booze and sex are not always the best of friends. 

“Lots of sex problems on holiday are caused by alcohol,” according to Snyder. “It’s not uncommon to feel amorous after one glass of wine, but to fall asleep after two or three. And few women find a man sexy when he’s had too much to drink.” So go easy on the hard stuff if you’re keen to get busy, and save the icy cold beverages for after your hot bedroom session.

How do you come back from a sexless break?

If lack of sex is circumstantial, there’s no point being harsh on yourselves — especially if, once you’re home, normal service is resumed. If you’re considering giving feedback, assume it’s a sensitive topic. “The sexual self has all the emotional maturity of a two-year-old,” Snyder says. So even if you’re thinking, “I can’t believe I gave you all those opportunities on holiday and you never even gave me a look,” it’s far wiser to say something like, “My only regret is we didn’t have a chance to make love. Do you think once we’re settled in at home again we might find time for that?”

Make the most of every chance to connect. Image: iStock

The secret to great holiday sex starts before you leave home

There is an ingenious way of increasing your chances of coming back with a smile on your face. “For good sex on holiday, make sure you’re having good sex at home first,” Snyder says. “New scenery can be nice, but don’t expect a holiday to do all the magic by itself. While you’re waiting to leave, make sure you’re connecting erotically on a frequent basis — even when you’re not planning to have sex.”

So a proper kiss when you say goodbye, for example. “In sex therapy, we call this ‘simmering’.” Consider it another form of travel insurance that’s well worth taking out.

Originally published as Planning a trip? Here's how to have hotter sex on holiday