'My wife poo-shames me - now I feel embarrassed to go at home'

"I prefer to use public toilets because I just don’t want to hear the jabs about something that I have no control over... I have told her that the jokes aren’t funny and that they are offensive, but she will just dismiss them..."

“Ewwww, that is absolutely disgusting!”

“It smells like you ate roadkill!”

“Absolutely horrendous!”

These are the sorts of comments I receive from my wife, *Amelia on a weekly, sometimes (depending on when nature calls) daily basis.

Yep, that’s right, any time I have the need to fulfil a completely natural bodily function, doing a poo, she will go on and on and on and on as if I have let off an atomic faeces bomb or something to that equivalent.

Or in other words, I am poo shamed.

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"There is nothing overly offensive about the odour of my poos"

In addition to the comments, she also does these little performances with over-the-top gagging sounds with actions of her pretending to die as if some hazardous fume has been released, seeping from the toilet bowl and about to kill the whole family.

Of course, this is completely inaccurate and as far as I am aware there is nothing overly offensive about the odour of my poos. I mean, yes, they smell but I don’t have any bowel issues or other digestive conditions that cause my faeces to abnormally smell, I am completely healthy in that respect. I have also never had anyone say anything to me along these lines previously. No ex-partners, close colleagues, not my parents or my siblings (and we all know how brutally honest they can be).

So as far as I am aware my poos smell just as poos should smell, there is nothing extra pungent or offensive about them.

And to be honest, I have thought about this element of my toileting quite extensively because the frequent comments from my wife have definitely infiltrated my head. I am embarrassed to say that I even saw a doctor about it because of her poo shaming but the doctor confirmed there was nothing abnormal.

Is it ever OK to 'poo shame' another person? We think not. Photo: iStock

Amelia has upped the level of her toileting criticism

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Amelia’s sh*tty behaviour (poo pun intended) has become an issue for me, so much so that I do the opposite to most people and save my poo for the office or when I am out, preferring to use public toilets rather than the ones at home because I just don’t want to hear the jabs about something that I have no control over.

Or, if I do poo at home, I will do my utmost to cover it up by cleaning the toilet afterwards, opening the window or putting the fan on and spraying any air freshener that is available nearby to cover up the smell.

But what really irks me is that recently, alongside the comments, Amelia has upped the level of her toileting criticism to also include sending me links to articles about foods that can make your poos smell bad, what she thinks are funny memes about the subject, or links to air deodoriser, or air freshener that are on sale.

Amelia says she is just joking and always follows these up with a lol or an emoji, but I know there is definitely some part of her that means what she is saying and doing.

“You’re definitely daddy’s son, aren’t you?”

Now I have told her that enough is enough. That the jokes aren’t funny and that they are offensive, but she will just dismiss them by telling me that I can't take a joke, or that I’m a bad sport and literally, as soon as later that same day, she will do it again.

And now Amelia has started to do it to our kids too. “You’re definitely daddy’s son, aren’t you?” she will say when our son has just gone to the toilet. “Can you make sure you poo before your shower, the heat makes it stink even worse,” she will say if either of the kids poo after having a shower or bath.

While at the moment her criticisms of the kids haven’t gone too far that they are aware of what she is doing, I worry that eventually, she will get just as bad as she is with me. I know this whole thing probably seems ridiculous and I guess in lots of ways it really is, but what I find the craziest about this whole thing, or ironic at least, is that her number twos are really strong all the time. I mean you can smell them from the other end of the house they are that bad. And she does nothing to combat the smell, it’s like she’s marking her territory or something, like she does it on purpose.

But of course, to her, her sh*t doesn’t stink, just everyone else's.

Originally published as 'My wife poo-shames me - now I feel embarrassed to go at home'