My MIL is jealous of my mum and says she sees my daughter too much

"I'm so confused. Why is she so upset?" Kidspot's Jordana has some wise words for this mum who's being torn in two.

Have an anonymous question you desperately need answered? Submit it to our Advice Needed column.

Advice Needed 

My MIL is jealous of my mum because she spends “more time” with my daughter than she does.

My mother-in-law asked my mum the other day, “How often do you see your granddaughter?” My mum replied, “Pretty often” - answering honestly, with no malice.

My MIL took it badly. She got upset and stormed off.

For context, she never asks me to see her granddaughter or shows any interest in coming over or having one-on-one time with her. So, I’m confused. Why is she so upset? How do I best approach her? I don’t want it to put a strain on my relationship with her. 

Want to join the family? Sign up to our Kidspot newsletter for more stories like this. 

RELATED: My family turned on me for not having visitors in the hospital

Jordana's Advice 

Mother-in-law vs. mums can be a tricky situation. And it would be best if you reassured your mum that she doesn't need to see your daughter less to make your MIL feel better. Instead, your MIL's feelings and reactions need to be addressed, given that you want to build a relationship with her for you and your daughter.

I understand your MIL feels left out because you look to your mum for help. There's an unspoken language between mothers and daughters; your mum will step in knowing you need assistance, and you don't feel like she's overstepping. But your MIL, while doing the same thing as your mum, would land differently.

Instead of extending an olive branch, she clocked you and your mum with it.

Grandma vs Grandma

We know the drill when MILs get testy. As daughters-in-law, we run to our husbands and ask them to speak to their mothers, to tell them this, that and the other. But the reality is, more often than not, our husbands won't say anything, and tension builds not just with you and your MIL but also with you and your husband. Sometimes, they will say something, and it's often slightly miss-worded and doesn't land as you would expect, so again, tensions flare. 

What I've learnt from experience is to go directly to the source and try to soothe rather than rehash.

Ring your mother-in-law and say, "Hey, MIL - I was talking to my mum, and she mentioned that you might want to see your granddaughter more. Are you free this weekend?"

I would go about it this way because she reacted to your mum; she's likely unaware of how her behaviour affects others, and reprimanding her will leave you at a stalemate. Don't get me wrong, she shouldn't be rude or lash out at your mum - and it doesn't mean by not bringing it up that you condone it.

Image: iStock

RELATED: Unhinged MIL throws herself a baby shower

Take the high road

Leaning in with empathy and compassion is a much better solution to dial down the drama. I'll admit it's hard; MILs know how to push our buttons. If you put your daughter's needs first, the high road is the best path. 

Maybe offer your MIL a regular day that she can have with your daughter. That way, she feels included in your daughter's upbringing, becomes familiar with her routine and needs, and develops their relationship. That will hopefully stop her jealousy and comparing herself to your mum. She might never say it, but she will appreciate you for it. 

If she doesn't, know that you've tried, and it's her loss. You might have to accept that your MIL likes to complain and not do anything about it. It’s about striking a balance - recognising when to extend a little kindness without compromising our boundaries. 

Here's hoping she doesn't wallow and steps up to build a healthier, more respectful relationship. 

Originally published as My MIL is jealous of my mum and says she sees my daughter too much