ADVICE NEEDED: I'm a MIL and I want to be there when my grandkid is born

"I don't understand this rule of no visitors. Why can't we see the baby in hospital?" Kidspot's Jordana addresses this common issue.

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Advice Needed

I'm about to be a grandmother. It's my son's child, and I'm very excited. When I told my friends, they all said the obligatory congratulations, but then had a warning for me. "Don't expect to visit the baby in the hospital. We were told not to come!"

I took their advice with a grain of salt and asked my son and daughter-in-law directly. To my horror, they said they'd prefer to be left alone in the hospital and only have visitors (myself included) once they are home from the hospital. While I couldn't bring myself to ask, I believe her parents can come and visit. It's my first grandchild. I'm just excited.

So many of my friends are being banned from the hospital when their grandkids are born. Should we fight back?

Jordana's Advice

I will tackle this from both sides - as a mother of three boys and as hopefully a future mother-in-law.

There must be a way we can find a resolution to keep the family unit intact. That's the most important thing: you don't want your grandchild coming into a family with fractures. 

I didn't have this rule for the birth of my first two children; the third time, I didn't have a choice. I got COVID 12 hours after giving birth - so for the first week - it was just the three of us. I will say this: it was nice to have the quiet. But I'm unsure if I would have done this for our first child. 

Coming at this from your daughter-in-law's perspective, I can understand it; being a new mother is a lot to take on all at once. It's a flood of new information, feelings, emotions, and unexplored territory. As every birth and baby is different, all the research in the world can't prepare you for your baby. 

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MIL upset that she won't be able to visit her grandchild in hospital. Source: iStock

There's no FOMO in family 

Giving her the benefit of the doubt is crucial right now.  Have some compassion that she might want to recover in peace and get her feeding method sorted without having to do herself up to greet visitors. She will still want to be put together even if you're family.

During COVID lockdowns, I spoke to a midwife in the maternity ward. When I asked her what benefits she'd seen of not having visitors in the hospital, she answered how well new mothers were doing with breastfeeding. With no interruptions, they could feed calmly and get their head around their new normal. Even though it was hard for some without visitors at all, there were still some positives to come from it. 

I can assure you that the first few days of a baby's life aren't when your relationship as a grandma is formed. It's in the first 18 months of their life. It's more beneficial to bite your tongue and respect your daughter-in-law's wishes so that no animosity gets in the way of that time. 

She is the mother, her boundaries are there for a reason - whatever they might be. She may want to keep her bubble tight for those first few days. Ask your son to send plenty of photos and updates. That way, you won't feel like you're missing out. 

I'd also suggest stocking the fridge and freezer for her (if you can). Be ready to support her when it matters the most.

And remember, with your friends - it's not a competition between you and the other grandparents. 

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"I'm a grandparent too"

On the other hand, I hear what you're saying: "I'm a grandparent too" - and you are. No one can take that title away from you. I don't think arguing about it will foster a good relationship or change your daughter-in-law's or others' minds.

But closer to the birth, you could check in again and say, are you still firm on the 'no visitors' rule? They may come around, but if not, swallow your pride, and don't "fight back" on behalf of MILs everywhere; as my husband would say, "What's the upside?" 

There is none. No future benefits.

I empathise with you; I do. I am incredibly close to my mum and want her around for everything. While my mother-in-law is very involved, it's not the same. And with three boys of my own, I know, in the future, I will have to be on the bench and not expect to be in the starting lineup.  I'm prepared for that, and you might need to be, too.

I'm writing this to you but also to help my future self.

Let her come to you. 

If she doesn't want visitors, respect that. Know you will meet and bond with your grandchild when they are home. 

The more you show her that you listen to her (not just hear her) the more she will trust you. It will only benefit you in the long run. She will want you around, knowing that you respect her boundaries. 

All the best for your new arrival. It is the best (according to my parents and in-laws). 

This article was updated in July 2024. 

Originally published as ADVICE NEEDED: I'm a MIL and I want to be there when my grandkid is born