My husband says it's my 'job' to watch the kids - not his

"He tells me that as a SAHM my responsibilities are to make sure food's ready, he’s got clean clothes, and the kids are taken care of," the exhausted mother shares. 

Should stay-at-home parents be responsible for all the cooking, cleaning, and... laying out clothes for everyone (adults included)? Taking care of children is a full-time job, even without a laundry list of household tasks to get done (including laundry).

But one stay-at-home mother of two with her hands full is wondering if she's doing enough after a rather invalidating conversation with her husband, who goes to work in an office.

"My husband works 10-12 hours/day & I'm a SAHM [stay-at-home-mum]. We have 2 kids. After a long day taking care of the kids, when my husband is home, he’ll help feed & put the kids to sleep," she starts off her post. 

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It seems as though the roles and mental load fall directly on the mother's shoulders, as she stays home and doesn't leave to go into an office. As if caring for a four and one year old is child's play! 

"Some days, I'm so exhausted [that] I don't have dinner ready for him when he comes home [and] some chores aren't done," the poster says.

"He tells me that as a SAHM, my responsibilities are to make sure [the] food [is] ready, he's got clean clothes for work, and the kids are taken care of. He says that because I stay at home, my job is to take care of the house and the kids. But I get exhausted and tired, too.

"Am I crazy? Was he out of line or was he right?"

Image: iStock

RELATED: I’m worried for my daughter - she 'just' wants to be a SAHM

"Was he out of line?" 

The thread has racked up 1.2K comments, with most posters providing thoughtful responses that veered toward "team mum" with very little empathy for the 'office dad'.

"Being a SAHM is actually more than a full-time job, and you don't get weekends off or holidays," one points out.

"Essentially, you both have 9-5s, but after 5, you equally have to deal with the kids as if you just worked a long day at the office. Brilliant," echoes another.

"He says it's your job, but if he doesn't work 24 hours, neither should you be expected to," writes another. "When he's home, it should be 50/50."

In a follow-up edit, she asked, "What should the roles of an SAHM be?" to get some clarity as to how best to move forward, without burning out. 

"[It] depends on the age of the kids," says another. "If they are in school for [six hours] per day you should be able to take care of all of the housework and have time to spare unless you live in a mansion."

Your partner is not your parent or slave

Some posters offer insights into how they split the loads with their partners.

"Husbands are supposed to be adults," a blunt Redditor says. "They don't need looking after. They only require support and that's a two-way street."

"The way we handled it was that the house and kid were my jobs while he was at work," responds a top commenter. "Once he got home, it was back to 50/50 split."

Another commenter agrees but mentions how they respectfully handled post-work requests with their partner once they comes home.

"It's not an 'Oh, you're home now. Get started on the house,'" the person says. "It's a 'Hey, sometime today or tomorrow, can you do X thing.' Just like there's some flexibility for me to do stuff there is flexibility for him too."

"He watches our son, and I usually finish up chores and make dinner," says another. "Then we toss a coin for dishes versus bath time and come together when it's time for story and bedtime." 

That seems logical and also means the kids don't favour one parent at bedtime. 

"Marriage isn't 50/50"

Marriage being 50/50 is a crock - says public speaker Brene Brown. 

"It’s never 50/50. Ever. And so what we do is we quantify where we are. So if Steve comes home and he’ll be like I got ‘20 in terms of energies.’ Just energy, investment, kindness, patience…I’m at 20 and I’ll be like, I’ll cover you. I got you brother. Like I’ll pull the 80."

Hopefully, this SAHM will sort out the load share before it's too late. Parenthood is shared, not an all-or-nothing! 

Originally published as My husband says it's my 'job' to watch the kids - not his