I wish I could see in my kids what their teachers and carers get to see

"I rarely get to witness the best side of my kids. If they are capable of listening and following instructions at school, WHY NOT AT HOME?" 

I want to start off by saying I love my boys, I do. I know they are good boys, because I hear it all the time. From teachers to their friends' parents, rave reviews all round. But I don't see it - I get the darker side of my kids. 

I’ve read the research that children are 800, yes 800 times worse for their mothers than anyone else. And no I didn’t read any further than that, because it confirmed what I knew, and offered zero solutions. 

The reality is, I know I'm not unique - but that doesn't mean I have to throw my hands up and accept it!

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I know I will look back at photos with positive memories!

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While my son was getting a glowing report, I was screaming 

I’ll give a live example. I was managing bedtime solo, I was putting my baby to bed, trying to stay calm and quiet, while I could hear the boys in the shower screaming. I quickly wrapped up Nate’s lullaby to rush to see what on earth was going on. I came to find my eldest trying to scold his brother in the shower by turning the hot water on full. Thankfully he wasn’t hurt. \

But instead of my gentle parenting kicking in, I screamed and the night descended into chaos. 

Meanwhile, downstairs, my husband was lucky enough to be the one who was attending online parent teacher meetings, he bore witness to the glowing report of my eldest, and also the accolades as the parent. I couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth when I eventually came downstairs after the hideous evening (not the worst one we’ve had either!!). 

My son’s teacher couldn’t help but gush, she loved him so much, she hopes to have his brother in a few years. I couldn’t believe it, the boys strike again. I’m the one who’s screaming and yelling, but their teachers adore them. 

This isn’t new news to me. My eldest is eight and he’s been winning over his carers since he was in daycare. And while yes, there was a time that the boys looked at me like I was their whole world and would hang on my every word - I can honestly say, those times are becoming fewer and farther between. 

I’ve really come to realise that I see their less flattering selves. Their voices change octaves from friendly to whinging, as they come home and cross the threshold. It’s instant! 

I hear from teachers, “they love to engage, they listen, they pack away, they behave,” - my mum keeps reminding me, you would prefer it that way. But this is the thing, if they are capable of listening and following instructions at school, WHY NOT AT HOME?

And I know I’m not unique, it’s the life we’ve accepted as parents. They hold it together at school, at friends' places, at after school activities, at grandparents, at restaurants - well depending on who has taken them, if it’s us - their parents - forget it. 

Smiling in photos is often the hardest part of parenting.

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"I would like them to feel less secure"

I just don’t see the best side of my kids. And I can honestly say, they don’t always see the best side of me either as a result. 

I know it means they feel secure with me, but I would like them to feel less secure. I’ve seen all the reels and I've read all the books - my kids have a secure attachment - it’s a win, but one that I wish I could celebrate.  

It’s even started to happen with my 15-month-old. He’ll be happy and smiling before he’s seen me. Then he sees me and the happy go-lucky boy turns into a whinge - as if to say “where have you been, how dare you leave me!” 

It’s not that I don’t love my kids, I do, I just want to see the shiny parts as well as the rough-around-the-edges parts. I feel like birthing them, feeding them, clothing them, and doing basically everything else for them gives me that right. Right?!

I want to end by saying, my husband and I are very lucky, the boys are healthy, happy (mostly), they could eat better, but they’re kids - and for now I will cherish the lovely messages I get from teachers and carers - knowing that my parenting is working, but just not in person for me!

My boys, perfectly behaved in photos, wait till they get home! Source: Authors own

While I know complaining won't fix anything, I think I have to adjust my expectations and then maybe I can enjoy those break out moments where they are playing nicely together and no answering back. 

Please tell me I'm not alone in this, would love to hear from other parents! 

Originally published as I wish I could see in my kids what their teachers and carers get to see