How to change your habits to become a happier family

Rather than setting a broad but unspecific goal to improve your relationship with your partner and kids, Dr Justin Coulson says simply changing daily habits can lead to a happier family life.

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I’m a reformed goal setter. New Year’s Day used to be the day I’d decide all the ways I’d be better this year. Motivation was high. Thinking was clear. Pressure was off.

But like so many people I’ve found that New Year’s goals rarely stick. The year begins and motivation ebbs. Thinking becomes clouded. Old habits resurface.

So, over the years I’ve shifted perspective. Now I look less at goals (like “make my family happier”) and more at how to create systems to become a different, better father
and husband.

Here’s what I mean. Rather than setting a broad but unspecific goal to “improve my relationship with my wife and kids”, I’m focused on implementing a range of healthy relationship habits so my family feels my love and good intentions in all of our interactions.

Dr Justin Coulson says rather than setting goals for more family time, people should change their habits instead.

These include time together in the mornings and evenings, story time, weekend activities, and kind speaking. Plus, I’m ensuring screens are off so we can engage together more.

My wife and I have a couple of date nights and a weekend away scheduled regularly and as a family, we have weekly meetings.

MORE FROM DR JUSTIN COULSON:

‘MY TEEN GIRL’S FRIEND HAS A SECRET INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT’

HOW TO GET KIDS TO LISTEN WITHOUT YELLING AT THEM

In short, rather than setting goals, I’m focused on changing habits and creating smarter systems.

Author James Clear writes in his book Atomic Habits that “habits are the compound interest of self-improvement”.

The effect of habits increases exponentially as they are practised and repeated every day.

Clear’s book sets out four laws of habit formation for those who wish to improve their habits and become better people.

They are:

1. Make it obvious

If you want to spend more time with the kids, put the board game or storybook in the centre of the room or table or wherever it will be the most obvious. The more obvious, the more likely we’ll practise our better habit.

2. Make it attractive

Perhaps you want to have better weekend time together. Plan the weekend activity on Monday night with the kids. Get excited, and they will look forward to it all week. You will too.

The more attractive something is, the greater our craving to do it.

Dr Justin Coulson is Australia’s number on parenting writer. Picture: Mark Cranitch

3. Make it easy

Want to ride bikes as a family on Saturday morning? Pump the tyres, pack the helmets, and organise everything the night before so it’s easy to get out of the house the next morning. The easier you make it, the more likely it is that you’ll do it.

4. Make it satisfying

The best thing about family life is that spending time together is usually intrinsically satisfying. Developing the habits might not feel good in the moment. It might be hard work (establishing a good morning routine, for example). But over time those habits compound to give us tremendous satisfaction.

Consider what habits you’ve created that are negatively impacting your family life. Is it screen usage? Rushed mornings? Ask yourself how you can make those habits less visible, less attractive, more difficult or less satisfying. You don’t have to tick all four boxes. One is usually enough.

Let’s say you’re spending too much time on social media and it’s impacting on family relationships. Create a system where social media is more challenging to access.

Or let’s say you’re in the habit of leaving late for school and work each morning. Create a workable and smooth morning routine.

It’s remarkable how these small tweaks to your systems can build better habits and help you to achieve bigger goals than you would have imagined possible — including a happier family, however you want to measure it.

Originally published as How to change your habits to become a happier family