Dr Justin Coulson: How to parent a fearless, thrillseeking child

Some kids are thrillseekers. These kids are independent, goal-oriented and resourceful — but parenting a fearless child can be daunting and stressful. Dr Justin Coulson helps you navigate how to keep them safe and well-adjusted.

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My childhood friend Joel was fearless. When he was about six, his parents installed a balcony. For some reason, the builder couldn’t install the safety railing straight away.

The fall from the balcony to the ground was at least 6m.

Joel would ride his bike full tilt along the balcony, then execute a perfect skid. His mission? To get as close to the edge as possible.

He never did go over, though his bike did at least once!

Some kids are thrillseekers. While their friends stay away from heights, roads, stovetops and other dangers, the Joels of the world get a buzz out of risky business.

Maybe you have that two-year-old who tries to “fly” off the back of the couch, the three-year-old who cleverly picks the childproof lock on the cupboard of poisonous cleaning supplies, or the four-year-old who lets himself out the front door to take the dog for a walk.

These kids are independent, spirited, goal-oriented and resourceful — but parenting a fearless child can be daunting and stressful.

There are ways to keep your fearless child safe, Dr Justin says.

Between the ages of about one and five your child develops new abilities and starts to crave independence. This is healthy — independence contributes to feelings of wellbeing, a sense of identity and helps promote self-esteem.

In some ways our young children are similar to teenagers. In both stages our kids are in the process of “individuation” — they are learning about difference, separation and
self-assertion, and they have an absolutely unshakeable belief in their own invincibility.

But unlike a teen, your young child can’t foresee the consequences of his actions. (Some of us would recognise that even teens struggle with this skill at times too.)

So, there are dangers inherent in having a risk-taking child. A fearless, intense, highly motivated child can be difficult to keep safe.

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Our job as parents is to find a way to keep our fearless kids safe while still allowing them to explore the world. What can we do?

First, try to reframe the situation. There are benefits to having a fearless child. You might change your language from “stubborn” to “persistent”, or “reckless” to “goal-oriented”. Perhaps your child is “optimistic”. This emphasises your child’s strengths.

Our children internalise our language about them. And so do we. Choose positive words to describe your child’s spirited ways.

Dr Justin Coulson is Australia’s number one parenting writer. Picture: Mark Cranitch

Next, modify the environment for safety. Sometimes things are just not going to be safe, and you’ll need to find an innovative solution.

I know one family whose two-year-old was intent on climbing the cable railing on their deck. They installed pieces of perspex in order to stop him.

Another mother learned to keep her car keys hung from a nail high up on the wall. Remember, however, that kids have been navigating risks for millennia. They don’t need to be bubble-wrapped.

And finally, encourage them to take risks in ways you can feel good about. Bike slides beside a rail-free balcony may be a bit much, but giving kids freedom to explore and take risks is good for them.

Evidence shows they become wiser when we allow them to engage in risky play.

Joel survived. So did the kid who let himself out the front door to walk the dog and the child who learned to fly from the back of the couch.

They all survived.

Of course we need to keep our fearless kids safe, but what a shame it would be if in doing so we also kept all the adventure from their lives (and ours)!

Embrace their intense spirits, their clever problem solving and their focused goal-setting … just be sure to keep the car keys out of reach.

Originally published as Dr Justin Coulson: How to parent a fearless, thrillseeking child