Advice Needed: My partner is drinking 10 beers a night, what should I do?

"He is not physically abusive but can be a smart arse, doesn't believe he does anything wrong and I need to calm down... I'm worried about what will happen to my son and I if we leave, it's his house."

Photo: iStock

Advice for a wife and mother, who is living with a "functioning alcoholic".

Advice Needed

Maybe I already know what to do here but I'm feeling a bit confused. I have a 16-month-old son. His father is a functioning alcoholic. He drinks at least 10 beers every night and can't wait for ‘Fridays' like he is a young, single 18-year-old instead of a 40-year-old father.

He is not physically abusive but can be a smart arse, doesn't believe he does anything wrong and I need to calm down. He continually reminds me he gets up at 5am every day, comes home, does the fire and makes dinner for us. He is always complaining, doesn't look forward to anything, needs at least an hour to himself every day when he gets home, this is actually to guzzle as much beer as he can. He has wet the bed 10 times in the last 12 months and says he is just so tired, but it's because he's drunk.

I'm worried about what will happen to my son and I if we leave, it's his house. I've heard stories about people living in cars as the rental crisis is that bad. I’m a casual worker but can't afford over $400 weekly for a unit and don't know anyone who would be interested in sharing. As it's not physically abusive do I just try to put up with him?

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Jordana's Advice

A situation like this is so difficult when there’s a child involved. My heart goes out to you, as a parent you want to parent with a partner, not have to parent both your child and his father. While yes, it is nice that he contributes by making dinner, working hard, getting up early, there is no reason to drink in excess every night.

According to the Australian guidelines, to reduce the risk of harm from alcohol-related disease or injury, healthy men and women should drink no more than 10 standard drinks a week and no more than 4 standard drinks on any one day. With the cost of living pressures you are validly worried, it would be a huge saving to cut down on his alcohol consumption. 

RELATED: A Victorian mum shares her experience of parenting with an alcoholic.

There are two ways to tackle this, and either one you decide, they aren’t easy. One is trying to work through it, and it will be work, for both you and your partner. And the other is to step away from the relationship. 

Firstly, to work through it, suggest you both try a “dry-month” challenge, that way you can both encourage each other. While you are dry, perhaps find activities to do together in the evenings (even if it’s not out of the house), to shift the habit of reaching for a beer (or 10) each night.

A few examples of activities you could do together at home, that won’t break the bank:

• Find a new recipe to cook together
• Try an at-home work out 
• Learn a language (plenty of apps that you can share as a couple)
• Board games
• DIY project 

If your partner isn’t willing to discuss it, perhaps try contacting a local Alcohol support line - that way you aren’t nagging and the solution is coming from someone outside of the relationship. With an external advisor guiding him, he will hopefully reduce his consumption and see not only health benefits, but also improvement in your relationship. 

RELATED: A mum shares the heartbreaking moment she hit rock bottom with her alcoholism

While cost of living is a real pressure for families, it shouldn’t be the reason to stay if you feel at all unsafe in the relationship and your partner isn’t willing to cut out the alcohol. Sadly, it is a very slippery slope, and any addition can cause a lot of tension for a couple. It doesn’t mean that down the road you and the father of your child won’t be together again, but if that is the boundary you set for yourself and your child, hold it. 

Alcoholism affects both you and your child. Source: iStock

Please reach out to 1300-RESPECT, at anytime, you are worried about your welfare. I hope this helps and at the end of the day, you and your child’s safety is the most important.

Originally published as Advice Needed: My partner is drinking 10 beers a night, what should I do?