A mum confronted me at the pool about my 'lazy' parenting

"When my partner emerged, she made a beeline for him and said: 'What a very good father you are doing all that work'."

My partner and I are hands-on parents. We also try, as best as we can, to share the load equally.

That means that whenever we go out, we take turns looking after our two girls – kind of like a tag team – so that while one person eats the other runs after the kids. Unless we’re at home, it’s a rarity that we’re all seated together.

I’d never really thought much of the arrangement - that is until last weekend.

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She told me I was "lucky" that I could relax while my husband played with the kids

We’d headed to the pool to cool off and burn some extra school holiday energy.

As my partner played with our girls in the children’s area, I sat down for what felt like the first time in decades to finish reading a book; when I felt a pair of eyes boring into the back of my head. I turned and saw a woman staring at me intently. I wasn’t sure why, so I smiled back and resumed my chapter.

But she kept staring. Again, I looked up and smiled, this time nodding a ‘hello’. Big mistake.

She took that as an invitation to walk over. Hands-on hips, she looked at me and then glanced over my shoulder into the children’s area. Abruptly she proclaimed, “You’re lucky you’ve got such a good partner while you sit out here.” Astonished, my first inclination was to apologise - but what was I sorry for?

Instead, I thanked her and agreed that yes, he was a very good father. I then put my head back into my book, and prayed she got the hint this chat was closed.

No such luck.

“Here you are, sitting and relaxing while he’s in there doing all the work,” she kept needling.

At that, I stopped, closed my book, and met her eye-to-eye.

“Excuse me?” I said, with as much politeness as I could muster.

But she was unrelenting: “Back in my day, mothers had to do everything - and I had three children – not just two.”

Lovely.

“Well,” I began, again straining to keep my cool, “Isn’t it good how things have changed?”

She stood, somewhat puzzled.  

Image: IStock

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She then made a beeline for my husband

“I mean, I think it’s really great that for this generation – for mine, at least things are a bit more equal,” I said, before going on to explain that although I work just as much as my partner, the parental caring load still tilts more towards mothers when you consider the mental and emotional load (obviously I’m only talking about my situation – but you get the idea).

“Plus,” I added (I wasn’t letting her off the hook just yet), “It’s actually very common to see dads (or male caregivers) being the ones out-and-about with the kids,”.

She looked at me and I eyeballed her – like an old Western stand-off. I put my head back down and continued reading. Finally, she got the message and ambled back to her seat. But she wasn’t done yet. 

When my partner emerged from the play area, she made a beeline for him to let him know, “What a very good father you are doing all that work”. He smiled and replied: “Thanks, but she’s also a very good mum.” 

What if she had known that I had struggled with post-natal depression after both my children? Or that I wrestled daily with the guilt and of not being a good enough mother? What if she had known all those worries that keep me up at night? Would her reaction be the same? 

Or, I wonder, if it had been me in there playing with my daughters with my partner outside reading would she have mouthed off at all?

Originally published as A mum confronted me at the pool about my 'lazy' parenting