'It's back to school but I don't want it to be - please make it stop'

"The last time I see an overpriced book list and read a report that states, 'Winston would excel if he could just apply himself' - is like the view from a car's side mirror - closer than I think."

People, I am not coping.

It's the week before my 16-year-old starts Year 11 and something is happening that I did not expect.

I don't want my son to go back to school. I don't want the holidays to end. 

For the most selfish and privileged of reasons.

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"It's been a good time, not a long time"

Every school holidays I think, "Well, better make the most of these because they might be the last."

I'm not being morbid by thinking, the last last, but as each year flies by, I know there will be a last time for something.  The last time Winston will be seen at the beach with his middle-aged mum in her one-piece that has a skirt. The last time he'll allow me to come in to meet the parents when I drop him at a mate's house.

With school, there have already been so many lasts like lunch boxes and readers, and with Year 11, they're going to be smacking me in the face thick and fast. 

The last time I see an overpriced book list, speak to a teacher about "an incident at recess", meet a new school parent whom I'll immediately dislike. Go to a class concert and check the time every sixty seconds. Read a report that states, "Winston would excel if he could just apply himself."

There will be a final time he messages, "I've missed the bus, can you please get me?"

One day, there won't be a text at work demanding $80 cash for the class excursion tomorrow because "Soz, I forgot."

And I won't need to take annual leave to attend a Sports Day.

Winston has grown up so much (yet I have barely aged.) Nama Winston Instagram

Lord knows I will actually miss it all so much.  Dare I say it - I will miss being a school mum.

Because here's the thing: being a mum has been the highlight of my life. I never wanted to be one - but now I don't know who I would be without my son.

Some people think that's sad. They wonder (aloud, to my face) if I would be so obsessed with motherhood if I wasn't a single mum. 

To them I say: Ha. Hahaha. I was married for the first three years of motherhood and trust me, I've loved having a child significantly more than I enjoyed having a husband.

As much as I've complained about it (incessantly to my mum and workmates), it's been a genuine pleasure raising my kid through his school years. I feel nervous about things ending because I know I've loved being that mum.

#prideandjoy Image: Nama Winston Instagram

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The lasts lead to firsts

I know lasts lead to the first of so much; of Winston becoming the person his is meant to be.

That's life, right?

But as a mum, it kinda sucks big time. 

I know that I'm lucky to be able to say that. Super, super lucky. Not everyone's motherhood experience is filled with this.

But I can't avoid feeling, as Winston goes into his last two years of school, the finality of it all.  

Trust me when they say, it goes by in the blink of an eye. And towards the end, you'll want to pee your pants with excitement, sob your heart out, and hang on to your kid as long as you can.

Originally published as 'It's back to school but I don't want it to be - please make it stop'