The real-life scenarios of a 35-year Adelaide divorce lawyer

A top Adelaide lawyer who has helped thousands of women divorce shares the main reason they choose to leave – and tips on reaching a civilised resolution regardless of what’s happened.

After 35 years Bev Clark, a director at Clark Panagakos Family Law, has seen all manner of things when it comes to separating spouses. Picture: Morgan Sette

After three and a half decades practising family law – and more than 15,000 clients – Adelaide’s Bev Clark has seen it all when it comes to cheating spouses.

At least, you’d think so.

She’s had clients seek her help after discovering “my husband is shagging my sister” and been involved in cases where a wife has brushed off a longstanding marriage to hook up with her personal trainer.

“I have given up thinking I have seen it all … I still get surprised,” she says.

Ms Clark, who’ll have anywhere between 120 and 150 cases on the go at a time, averaging 500 clients a year, says infidelity remains one of the most common reasons for divorce – with both husband and wife straying.

“The reality is people do stray and that doesn’t make them a monster, it makes them human,” the collaborative law specialist says.

Infidelity does happen with both men and women straying, Adelaide legal eagle Bev Clark says. Picture: iStock

‘Those who forgive, those who don’t’

“However, I find there are two camps when it comes to infidelity.

“There are some women for whom infidelity is not a deal-breaker, who are willing to go through family counselling and willing to repair the relationship, if the man is willing to give up the other party.

“They’re of the view, ‘on balance we have had 23 great years and, yes, he strayed, but has promised not to do it again and we are in therapy’ … and I love him.

Clark Panagakos family law director Bev Clark has worked with thousands of clients over the past 35 years – and ‘given up thinking I’ve seen it all’. Picture: Morgan Sette

“For others, they cannot trust again … (his cheating) is an absolute deal breaker; they are hurt, they are crushed, they are betrayed … it doesn’t matter if he falls on his knees, begging her to stay and promises to never to do it again.

“Many women are mystified, bewildered and confused … ‘I have devoted myself to this man and done everything for him … we have beautiful family events, we are not fighting … how could this have happened?’

“Others feel a great deal of shame and embarrassment … especially if the man is insensitive; I have seen cases where the parties have barely separated for five minutes, where she has only just found out about (the affair) and the next minute he is parading the new squeeze in all their social circles. That is a real slap in the face.”

A guilty party will sometimes try to ‘buy forgiveness’, Ms Clark says. Picture: iStock

Some will trust their partner, even after they’ve strayed, others won’t, Ms Clark says. Picture: iStock

‘Money doesn’t buy forgiveness’

The veteran legal eagle says cheating partners will sometimes try to “buy forgiveness” by offering a kneejerk, overly-generous settlement but this can backfire.

“They feel guilty and want to smooth things over … ‘she will feel so grateful about the finances, she will let me see the kids’,” Ms Clark says.

“But what people sometimes discover is they can’t buy forgiveness … they regret they’ve made such a generous offer because they’ve no bargaining chip left – they feel resentment and bitterness which they carry forward into the future.

“The contrary also happens; if you are the person who has been cheated on, sometimes you’ll accept a shitty deal that is inadequate for your needs because you just want to get out of there – to just run away and get it done.

“I am acting for someone at the moment, my client cannot think clearly about what her future should look like, because she can’t think clearly about anything, she hasn’t identified yet as a single person … she is still locked into her identity as a mother and a wife.

“You only get one chance to get your property settlement sorted … people need to make sane, rational decisions; I don’t think my profession is always good at facilitating this, especially those practitioners not trained in collaborative or mediation work.”

‘Long-term relationships … become a bit ho-hum’

Beyond infidelity, Ms Clark says boredom or couples “growing apart” happens.

“Long-term relationships are a struggle for some, it all becomes a bit ho-hum … this can particularly be the case when the kids have grown up,” she says.

“I’ve had women say, ‘being a mum was always my role … I took my role as a mother seriously and now the kids have all flown the coop, what is left for me in this relationship?

“Or, ‘this relationship is no longer fulfilling my needs … our situation is different’.

“Sometimes it is the seduction of having someone flirt with them at work, they suddenly think, ‘wow, maybe I am still young and attractive?’ … they think a new relationship seems exciting, forgetting that eventually someone is going to have to take the rubbish out, or will fart in bed.

“Still, women are now more empowered, especially if they have a separate income and independence, and they have the ability to choose to leave when the marriage has just fizzled out.”

Hannah Clarke and children Aaliyah, Laianah and Trey were murdered by her estranged husband, the children’s father, Rowan Baxter, in a shocking car fire scenario.

‘Shit if I stay, is that going to be me?’

Sadly, family violence also remains an issue.

“To this day, a lot of family violence occurs behind closed doors, people don’t talk about it … some of the stories I hear from clients are just horrific … there is still a lot of stigma,” she says.

“Sometimes they won’t even share (what’s really happening) with the people who are really close to them – their mother, sister or best friend.”

Tragically, recent shocking, high profile cases have raised awareness of coercive control and family violence at its worst, including that of Queensland mum-of-three Hannah Clarke who was fatally burned in a petrol fire in her car along with her children by her estranged husband.

“It has (victims) thinking, ‘shit if I stay, is that going to be me?’ … it’s becoming less shameful for women to come forward and say, ‘this is happening to me’,” she says.

‘I can’t keep putting my life on hold’

The Adelaide lawyer sees first-hand the havoc fly-in, fly-out work can create in relationships.

“Whenyou are married to someone who is flying in and flying out, and they are away a good amount of the time, you can feel like a single parent,” she says.

“Some people get to the point of saying, ‘I can’t just keep putting my life on hold … I am not married or single, I am in limbo.

“I see a lot of instances where women get tired of that lifestyle and just want companionship.”

‘I can’t stand another minute with you’

“Grey divorce” is real too. Ms Clark says increasingly older people are seeking divorce, including after 40-plus years of marriage.

The rising trend has previously been attributed to Covid, social media, reduced stigma around separation and modern women feeling more empowered.

“I am still seeing older people, even really old people … they will say, I’ve got two more years left in me and I can’t stand another minute with that person,” she says.

Ms Clark urges people to calm down and ‘take a moment’ before launching into divorce proceedings. Picture: iStock

‘Let’s calm the waters, not create more conflict’

Whatever the separation-sparking scenario, Ms Clark’s advice is to “take a moment” before launching into divorce proceedings.

“Unless there are absolute urgent issues that have to be dealt with – if someone has no money or the other person has snatched the kids – there is no need to leap into action,” she says.

“I think slowing down can be a good strategy; sometimes when you can’t think straight you will make the wrong decision.

“I don’t think you can make decisions about separating property, finalising finances when you are emotionally distraught … you mightn’t ask for enough support, or, you’ll ask for too much and the other party will get their back up and before we know it, there is more fighting.

“I know there are some lawyers who take the view it is best to ‘strike while the iron is hot’ … to capitalise, for example, on the (cheating) party’s guilt but I don’t believe in that, especially when there are children involved.

“To me, the priority needs to be detoxifying the relationship the best we can, we want to try and ‘calm the waters’, not to create more conflict by trying to go for the jugular – the parties are hurting enough, without us adding to it.

“There are people who just want to pull the plaster off, to get it over and done with so they don’t have to think about it … I say, ‘why don’t you just sit with it for three months?’

“I don’t see my job as just dispensing the law, I see it as helping people solve a problem.”

‘Send a F***-you letter, you won’t get a rainbow back’

It is for this reason she advises against negotiating from a place of anger.

“If you operate from a place of hurt, anger and vengeance or high emotion, your ability to be rational and reasonable takes a back seat … if you send a rocket – a F***-you letter – you won’t get a rainbow back, it’ll just escalate things,” she says.

“There is the ripple effect from doing it badly … if you have kids and you are embroiled in a toxic, ugly dispute, the kids are caught in that war zone.

“Financially, too, it is incredibly expensive to fight … if people become embroiled in litigation, or even lawyer negotiations where letters are flying backwards and forwards, it quickly becomes a really expensive process which only adds to the stress.”

The opposite is true, too.

“I’ve seen many people maintain a level of integrity around being civilised, being reasonable and being fair,” she says.

“I am involved in a case at the moment where one of the party’s goals is to maintain a relationship with the other’s family … they have a close relationship with each other’s family and don’t want to lose that,” she says.