The difference between lust, love and limerence

Know what you’re feeling

Understanding how we feel about others – especially when romance, sex and desire get involved – is a complex task many of us struggle with. Here is the difference between love, lust and limerence. 

You don’t need to have watched Pixar’s Inside Out movies to know the spectrum of human emotions has more colour than a rainbow. And when it comes to matters of the heart, it can feel almost impossible to define our intense, and ever-changing feelings. 

With Hollywood’s often dramatic and unrealistic portrayal of relationships (cue two unrequited lovers passionately embracing in the rain), it has become even more difficult to tell the difference between feelings of love and lust, with both words often being used interchangeably. 

So, in order to get a better handle on what our hearts and heads are telling us, let’s break down exactly what each term means. 

What is love?

Perhaps the most difficult of the three to define in any singular way, love can be described as an intense feeling of deep affection. Ideally, love should inspire meaningful connection, balance and stability between two people in a romantic relationship. 

The word itself is often applied to very different emotional or mental states. In most use cases, love refers to a feeling of strong attraction or emotional attachment, such as with a spouse or partner. 

Love – in a romantic sense –has connotations of deep commitment and vested emotional interest. Though used interchangeably, the word’s weight differs depending on the context. 

For example, while it can be true that a person both loves eating pizza and also loves their spouse, the romantic connotations attached to the latter carry more meaning than any obsession with mozzarella cheese ever could. 

Synonyms: cherish, adore, treasure, value, devotion.

Love – in a romantic sense –has connotations of deep commitment and vested emotional interest. Image: iStock

What is lust?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, lust is defined as a usually intense or unbridled sexual desire. Often fuelled by fantasy and excitement, a relationship founded on lust is far less likely to endure long-term success. 

A consuming and driving force, lust is generally considered to be purely based on sexual attraction and physical arousal and can occur both within loving relationships and externally. 

Unlike feelings of security and stability more commonly felt in a loving relationship, lust can often inspire impulsivity and desperation. Pursuing a relationship or interaction out of lust is to seek immediate gratification, whereas love requires people involved to develop trust and commitment over time.

Synonyms: Crave, desire, longing

A consuming and driving force, lust is generally considered to be purely based on sexual attraction. Image: iStock

What is limerence?

Though sharing similar qualities exhibited in both lust and love, limerence can be described as an all-consuming, and sometimes emotionally damaging infatuation. 

The most intense of the three emotions, limerence can cause a person to descend into deep melancholy, neglecting their social life, responsibilities and work. 

Unlike lust, where a person’s desire is usually fuelled by the idea of immediate sexual gratification, limerence can render a person utterly and uncontrollably obsessed with the object of their infatuation, regardless of whether they reciprocate any feelings themselves. 

While love is a chemical reaction in the brain that inspires a feeling of selfless, unifying attachment, experts describe limerence as an unhealthy, obsessive mixture of emotions. 

Synonyms: Infatuation, obsession

Originally published as The difference between lust, love and limerence