How to break up with a narcissist

Avoid falling into a manipulation trap

Worried about the backlash after ending a particularly draining relationship? This advice is for you. Image: Pexels

While few breakups are without complication or hardship, the process can be especially messy when your soon-to-be ex is someone who exhibits narcissistic tendencies. Here’s how an expert suggests approaching the situation.

For the average person, getting dumped by a romantic partner can be one of the toughest forms of rejection to grapple with, on par with getting made redundant at work or not being accepted into your dream university course. 

But when the dumpee is someone who possesses the characteristics and attitude of a textbook narcissist, the already uncomfortable ordeal of breaking up can be amplified to the max.

But as daunting as the process may be, a desire to avoid confrontation shouldn’t act as a barrier to your happiness. Here’s how a seasoned family lawyer recommends approaching the end of your relationship while managing any problematic behaviour thrown your way.

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To be clear, encountering ‘true’ narcissists (people who have been medically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is in reality quite a rare phenomenon. 

However, we’ve all met individuals who exhibit some known behaviours, such as an abnormally elevated ego and sense of self-importance, and unwillingness to recognise the needs and feelings of others.

It doesn’t take an expert to see how such behaviours might clash with the emotional needs of a partner, but when it comes to cutting ties with an individual possessing narcissistic tendencies, the process can quickly leave you feeling out of your depth. 

Feelings of resentment and shock are normal in any breakup, but when does the situation start to turn toxic? Image: Unsplash

Luckily, leading family lawyer Gillian Coote shares with Body+Soul everything you need to know about surviving an especially difficult breakup. 

“[Separation] can bring out the worst in even the most unassuming of people,” explains the founder, managing partner and accredited specialist in family law at Coote Family Lawyers. 

“Therefore, when someone with narcissistic tendencies finds themselves in this situation, it can exacerbate their challenging behaviours and see them become extremely uncooperative and disruptive,” she adds.

According to Coote, such individuals may exhibit zero empathy, present as unprepared to compromise, and are likely to stall the process to maintain a sense of control. 

People may feel trepidation before ending a relationship due to wanting to avoid conflict. Image: Unsplash

The biggest manipulation trap to be aware of

Heading into a problematic breakup, Coote says it’s important to understand what behavioural characteristics and motivations your soon-to-be ex is likely to retaliate with, helping you feel prepared to cope with any nasty revenge tactics or emotional outbursts. 

“One of the most common traps people get caught in when dealing with someone like this, is to get distracted by the often anxiety-inducing drama these people like to create,” explains Coote, sharing that they may victimise themselves, tell untruths, gaslight you, or bad mouth you to others. 

While the family lawyer recognises the natural urge to defend yourself against provocation or defamation, she says people of this personality type ‘thrive on creating anxiety for others’. In other words, you’d be playing right into their hand.  

“The best way to avoid falling into this trap is to not react at all and stay focused on the process,” suggests Coote, urging you to concentrate on making progress toward your new future. “By ignoring your ex’s deliberate attempts to derail you, they’ll eventually tire of trying to get a rise out of you.”

Navigating your ex’s attempts to stir you can take serious willpower and determination. Image: Pexels

Setting boundaries is a must

Since ignoring your ex’s outbursts and manipulation tactics is by far easier said than done, Coote recommends putting in place (and abiding by) a few boundaries early on. This step is especially crucial for couples who share children. 

“This could be limiting contact to matters only related to children and family, setting rules around handovers with children, how you communicate, and where and when you interact with your ex in person,” Coote says. 

For couples who share children, the family lawyer recommends communicating exclusively through a parenting app, “Parents communicate and exchange family information all in the one place through tools like calendars and permanently recorded text messages.”

As a general measure, Coote also recommends keeping a record of any questionable or out-of-line behaviour just in case you need to reference it at some point in the future.

If possible, keep all communication on record, and at a minimum. Image: iStock

When should a third party get involved?

While you may be under the impression legal intervention is only for married couples embarking on a separation, there are legal processes and rights reserved for other serious partnerships, according to Coote. 

“If the couple were in a de facto relationship, they have the same entitlement to property settlement and maintenance as married couples do,” she explains. “A couple is generally considered de facto if they have been living together on a genuine domestic basis for two or more years, or there is a child of the relationship.”

Of course, legal processes are known for being painstakingly long, especially when one party is uncooperative (sound familiar?). According to Coote, managing a separation at this level is all about keeping conflict to a minimum. 

 “People with narcissistic traits like to fight and love to win, so be strategic in picking your battles,” the lawyer says. “Consider what’s most important to you and be prepared to compromise on certain, less important things.”

Originally published as How to break up with a narcissist