Are they a narcissist or just a selfish jerk? Here's how to tell the difference

Spot the telltale personality signs

Narcissism is more than just being full of yourself. Imaage: Unsplash

Psychologist Dr Alissa Knitght shares six steps to decipher the (deceptively fine line) between narcissistic personalities and selfish behaviour.

I was getting my nails done recently when I overheard this slice of the conversation next to me. “What happened with Dave?” one woman asked her friend. “Total gaslighting narcissist” came her swift reply.

This got me thinking. We readily toss around the word ‘narcissist,’ but do we really understand the gravity of the label? Is Dave a clinical narcissist, or just a garden-variety selfish jerk? 

The distinction is critical, not just for our dating lives but for our self-awareness and growth. The labelling or mislabeling can either help or hinder our growth by shifting blame away from our own choices and behaviour. 

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Dr Alissa Knight, a clinical psychologist and researcher, sheds light on the misuse of the term ‘narcissist,’ particularly on social media. In Australia, Knight shares that actual cases of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) range from 0.5 to 1 per cent of the population.

A narcissist is defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) as someone who has “a clear pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.”

The definition of a selfish jerk, however, is much more fluid. You probably have your own as you recall the names and faces of self-centred people you’ve encountered. 

By focussing on the following six traits and behaviours, Knight explains how to tell if you’re dealing with a clinical narcissist or a regular selfish jerk. 

Selfishness is more of a learned behaviour. Image: Pexels

The roots of the behaviour

Despite the social media echo chamber, narcissism is more than just being full of yourself. Clinical Narcissism is a mental health disorder, caused by genetics, inherited personality traits, and the environment.

According to Knight, narcissists internalise from a young age that receiving admiration, validation and praise is “the only way they can be worthy.” Selfishness, on the other hand, is more of a learned behaviour shaped by external factors over time.

Empathy - or lack thereof

Knight explains that the part of the brain responsible for empathy (the anterior insular cortex) has been dramatically impacted in clinical narcissists, and as a result, they have a diminished ability to empathise with others. But someone who is merely selfish?

According to Knight, while they may appear uninterested one minute, they can surprise you with genuine empathy the next, particularly if you bait them with a sensitive issue or strike an emotional chord.

Masters of manipulation

Narcissists have a talent for exploitation, wielding manipulation as if it were a skill on their resume. They do this to maintain their inflated self-image. Selfish people? They are self-centred, sure, but their manipulation playbook isn’t as sophisticated.

Take a step back before defaulting to labelling someone a narcissist. Image: Unsplash

Rollercoaster relationships

Buckle up! According to Knight, being in a relationship with either a narcissist or a jerk will hurt you, but being in a relationship with a narcissist will leave you with much deeper emotional scarring.

And have a greater impact on your mental health with more extensive “emotional, psychological and sometimes sexual and physical abuse.”

Selfish partners need to prioritise themselves, lacking the desire to share and compromise which is annoying, yes, but typically less damaging. 

Public perception is key

A narcissist’s life mission? “Ensuring they're seen by others as incredible, wonderful, amazing and highly successful.”

According to Knight, this is a deep-seated defence mechanism because they are deeply insecure and will “do anything to avoid,” this truth.

As a result, seeking grandiosity becomes a self-perpetuating cycle. Knight explains that if you threaten their facade, you’ll suddenly see a startling side to them, and just as startling an end to their performative charm.

A selfish jerk may brag, but they lack the tone, delivery and deep-seated motivation to win you over, and with it, the narcissist’s charming, smooth-talking, hypnotic allure.

It’s not just about correctly labelling someone; it's also about understanding the dynamics. Image: Pexels

Consistency in their chaos

Narcissists can be extremely charming and make you feel like a superstar, but as Knight points out, this adoration is as shallow as a kiddie pool.

The narcissist does not believe in your importance; it is simply a strategy to keep you around 24 hours a day, seven days a week to feed their ego.

And when you stop showering them with “admiration, status, praise and adoration,” Knight explains, their affection evaporates like the “flick of a switch.” “It can often happen so fast that it can leave your head spinning, trying to work out what happened, or what you did,” Knight clarifies.

The switch can also happen if you receive too much praise or success in their presence which Knight clarifies “will be perceived as a mammoth threat to their self-image.” In that case, they will use abusive tactics to regain control over you.

Fortunately, selfish people are more consistent, and Knight adds, “Your position with them and the way they perceive you doesn’t necessarily change.” You know what you’re up against every day. They constantly feel more important than you and feed their own ego, so there’s little variation that changes in their behaviour.

So, what’s the verdict?

Take a step back before defaulting to labelling someone a narcissist. It’s not just about correctly labelling someone; it's also about understanding the dynamics of your interactions with them.

Knight recommends assessing the “intensity and frequency of their behaviour.” Look for “signs of manipulation and emotional abuse”.

And most importantly, try to “understand their motivations”. Knight adds that talking to a counsellor or psychologist will give you greater clarity and insight.

Dr Alissa Knight is a clinical psychologist and researcher and the founder and director of The Calming Suite Psychology Clinic.

Sera Bozza is a dating coach and the founder of Sideswiped, offering dating coaching to help you stay upright in the world of left and right swipes. You can learn more about her here.

Originally published as Are they a narcissist or just a selfish jerk? Here's how to tell the difference