Women open up on struggle to have an orgasm and what can help

Tiara McLeod has opened up about her difficulties in being able to reach an orgasm in the hope it will help women going through the same thing talk about it.

Tiara McLeod says she first started finding it hard to reach an orgasm about five years ago.

The 31-year-old from Newcastle in NSW, who is bravely sharing her story to help others, said it coincided with Covid lockdowns.

“I was struggling with anxiety and mental health issues and I think going through all that started to affect the stress in my body,” she said.

Ms McLeod, a physiotherapist, said it was particularly difficult for her to climax with her partner.

“I was in a relationship at the time and I started to feel like there was something wrong with me,” she said.

Tiara McLeod is sharing her story to help others.

“It felt like it would take me ages and ages to orgasm or it just wouldn’t happen and I would get to a point where I felt like I was trying so hard to make it happen and then that in itself would make me get in my head about it.”

Then, she started having other symptoms like constipation.

Sometimes, when she was sick with coughing and sneezing, she would get stress incontinence as well.

“I’ve not had any kids so it prompted me to learn more about what was going on,” she said.

She had her pelvic floor assessed and found out that it was linked to overactive muscles.

“I have muscles in my pelvic floor that are overactive,” she said.

Tiara McLeod first started noticing a change around Covid lockdowns.

“It fluctuates, but they need to be able to relax properly to be able to contract and do all the things related to controlling your bladder and being able to orgasm.”

Since discovering what had been causing her issues she has started doing exercises to relax her pelvic floor along with breathing exercises.

Ms McLeod has also done hip mobility work and uses a pelvic wand.

“It’s a curved silicon tool and you can put pressure on different areas that might be tight or sore internally,” she said.

Her own experience has led to a passion for helping others going through the same thing.

It means she has started to focus more on pelvic floor physiotherapy.

“My experience made me really interested in it,” she said.

What can help?

Sue Croft OAM, a pelvic floor physiotherapist at Active Women’s Health Physiotherapy in Brisbane, said about a third of the sexually active patients she saw were unable to orgasm.

Some found it difficult to climax, while others had gone their whole lives without experiencing one.

Anorgasmia is a condition where someone finds it difficult or is unable to reach an orgasm.

“They have never orgasmed, but we see a cohort of women who have got pelvic health issues and that means that quite a high percentage of those women may have some reason they are not sexually active,” Ms Croft said.

She recalled one elderly client who had opened up to her about never having experienced an orgasm her entire life.

Ms Croft said the reasons were varied and could include overactive pelvic floor muscles, like Ms McLeod had.

“So they actually engage when people are stressed and anxious,” she said.

“Also, women have a bad habit of trying to pull their tummies in to make them flat and they are also encouraged to cross their legs and be demure.

Tiara McLeod is passionate about helping other women going through the same thing.

“When your adductors (your inner thighs) are on then your pelvic floor is on. When your tummy is on, your pelvic floor is on.

“So there’s many contributors to women naturally being a little bit overactive in their pelvic floor.”

Ms Croft said that religious or cultural upbringings may have also impacted a woman’s ability to orgasm because of the way they thought about sex and pleasure.

Others might have been through a traumatic sexual assault.

She noted that some medications, like anti-anxiety or antidepressants, could also suppress libido.

Pelvic health physiotherapist and clinical sexologist Ann Traeger-Spees said she saw many clients who struggled to reach an orgasm.

She said the two main groups were women aged in their 20s or those who were perimenopausal dealing with changes in their bodies.

Tiara McLeod is far from alone in her experience, with experts saying many women go through the same thing.

Ms Traeger-Spees said some of the younger women had conservative upbringings which included being in arranged marriages so could benefit from learning more about their bodies.

Others were dealing with pelvic pain from conditions like endometriosis that made sex painful.

“I would say it comes up a lot in my room,” she said.

“They do a head tilt and say ‘I’m not really sure’ or ‘I don’t even know what that feels like’.”

“So for me, that’s where I then put on my pelvic floor physio hat and my psychosexual therapy hat and start to talk about the clitoris.

“I will often send women home at a level they feel comfortable with to start doing self-exploration or explore their own sensations a little bit more.”

Clinical sexologist Naomi Hutchings, who is based in Adelaide, said there was a site called OMGYes which was useful for women wanting to learn about how to orgasm as it showed different techniques they could try.

She also suggested watching feminist, or female-focused, porn or trying solo sex and using a vibrator.

Ms Hutchings also emphasised it was not an uncommon issue, so women shouldn’t be embarrassed and they could get help.

“I see 60-year-olds (who haven’t been able to orgasm),” she said.

She said for many women she would help by working through any shame they felt about it.

Originally published as Women open up on struggle to have an orgasm and what can help