James Weir recaps Married At First Sight episode 13: Bad sex after MAFS wife busted with co-star

A MAFS husband lives his worst nightmare as his bad sex is detailed on-air, followed by the revelation of his wife’s antics. James Weir recaps.

There’s only three things in life that are sure: taxes, death and bad sex with your Married At First Sight husband after you get drunk and flirt with someone else’s groom at the weekly dinner party.

The blunt revelations made at the commitment ceremony during Sunday’s instalment of the reality show go beyond the kind of trouble Marvin Gaye warned us about.

As the camera zooms in tightly on the stressed face of the unsuspecting husband, he scrambles to defend himself against the accusations of meh sex, screaming: “It wasn’t bad! It was SUPPOSED to be slow!”

JAMES WEIR: Read all the recaps here

It’s the morning after the boozy dinner party and we find Billy and Sierah sitting awkwardly in their suite at Trash Towers. Something’s wrong.

Did Billy find out Sierah was secretly grinding limbs with co-star Adrian under the dinner table? Or maybe Sierah finally told her husband he looks silly wearing that dainty pearl necklace. The reality is much worse: They had sex.

“Me and Sierah were intimate last night,” Billy tells us. “We had sex. This was a massive breakthrough for me and Sierah. We hadn’t had sex since the honeymoon. And it just happened naturally.”

Sierah was so charged up after secretly flirting with Adrian, she returned home and needed to expel all the built-up sexual energy.

But in the harsh light of day, the sensuality has evaporated. Sierah distances herself from her confused husband.

“I woke up this morning and there was a bit of awkwardness,” he describes the mood.

Sierah finally breaks the silence. “That’s a good Nespresso.”

But it’s a lie. Just like last night’s sexpresso, it’s cold. A meh-spresso.

There’s only one reasonable thing for Sierah to do: go on TV and tell everyone how much the sex sucked.

“Last night, it was a drunken fumble in my opinion,” she tells the experts when she hits the couch at the commitment ceremony.

Billy’s shocked. It wasn’t BAD sex! It was SLOW sex! It was SUPPOSED to be like that!

“It was quite slow, it was passionate!” he argues. “I felt connected to you!”

Sierah shrugs. “It just didn’t feel very passionate or intimate to me.”

MORE: Stars reveal private shock at G-string scene

In an attempt to change the subject, Sierah decides to allude to a secret in her murky past. Intrigue! Foreshadowing an incident that’s not revealed until the very end? It’s like every Liane Moriarty novel.

“We obviously still need to speak more about things that happened in my past,” she tells Billy. “I just find that difficult in this environment. It’s just a bit f**ked up and it’s hard for me to talk about.”

Billy’s incredibly understanding and respectful. Still, he’s her husband and he wants her to trust him. Has she ever told anyone else about her secret?

“Umm … Adrian?” she reveals.

Billy spits out his metaphorical meh-spresso.

“WHAT?” he blurts. “You told him about your past? I don’t even know about your past?”

Meh At First Sight. Picture: Channel 9.

MORE:Gross reality of MAFS revealed

Sierah plays dumb. It just slipped out when they were all hanging out watching footy, she says.

“I thought I had told you that night that (Adrian and I) had shared some stuff. I just told him about, like, my trauma.”

Billy’s hurt and offended. “You’ve shared more with him than you have with me!”

Sierah continues to downplay it. “I literally have told you this.”

“I don’t know what you’re on about!” he howls. “I swear on my mother’s life you have not mentioned a trauma situation!”

We throw to Adrian who mumbles something about how he and Sierah spoke about their tough past experiences. His shocked wife Awhina turns to him.

“Did YOU open up?” she asks Adrian, who has refused to share personal details about his past with her.

Awhina says she’s blindsided. … Well, sorta.

“I feel blime-fibe-eb!” she screams.

Adrian starts mumbling again.

“In mine and Sierah’s defence, we didn’t have 50 million cameras around us while we opened up about those things,” he says.

Yet again, the producers are asleep at the wheel. It happens every year and they never learn their lesson. These freaks need to have cameras positioned on them 24-7. I’ll come down to Trash Towers myself and film them with my Google Nest doorbell camera.

*Mumbles* Picture: Channel 9.

After the experts facilitate the opening of this can of worms, they decide to end the conversation with absolutely no resolution. Sierah and Billy reveal their decision cards. Both choose to stay, though Billy wishes he could grab a pen and rewrite his choice.

“If I knew this information before tonight there could’ve been a different word on that piece of paper,” he vents.

Well, Billy, if you’re annoyed about this, wait until you hear about how your wife and Adrian were grinding legs together under the dinner table the other night. We bet your little pearl choker will pop right off ya neck.

Sorry Billy, but Sierah apparently wants to have Adrian mumble sweet nothings in her ear. Picture: Channel 9.

The experts are not done starting fires. It’s a Sunday night and they’re bored. So, they decide it’d be fun to see if they can get Jacqui to scream “I’m the most beautiful girl in the world” again.

“Jacqui, should Ryan have been dishonest and put you first even though he did not think you were the most attractive (wife)?” sexpert Alessandra politely asks, bringing up the Hot or Not challenge where Ryan ranked his wife third.

Jacqui hits us with some of her bizznizz woman logic.

“I’m not asking Ryan to be dishonest, I’m just asking him to find a way to put me first,” she declares.

Cue crazy eyes from everyone in the room:

We just need constant picture-in-picture video of Jamie’s reactions. Picture: Channel 9.

Alessandra cocks her head and squints. “I don’t understand. … How does that work?”

Jacqui then delivers a monologue that Shonda Rhimes wishes she wrote.

“It’s not about me – I think about my children,” she says. “So, I don’t need the validation – I’m happy with how I look. But I don’t necessarily want to be in the energy of someone who doesn’t do that for my children one day. I’m gonna have to show up double time. I’m gonna have to be my own biggest cheerleader and a cheerleader for the people around me and the children around me and maybe compensate for the blunt honesty and explain that, ‘He doesn’t mean in that way, he does love you’. And that’s the solution I’ve got.”

To top it off, Ryan begins fake-crying about his future son.

John Aiken throws his head back and audibly groans.

“OK, I’m confused,” he says.

Spin-off series: Ryan giving harsh advice to children and Jacqui having to console them. Picture: Channel 9.

Jacqui attempts to clarify. She’s unsure if Ryan and her are compatible because they both shop in different sections at QBD.

“I don’t want to stop him from reading fiction books and I wanna keep reading nonfiction,” she says.

Still, both decide to stay another week.

And, showing growth, Ryan finally learns to lie.

“I like her eyes,” he smiles.

As they say, love is in the crazy eye of the beholder.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Originally published as James Weir recaps Married At First Sight episode 13: Bad sex after MAFS wife busted with co-star