Vegan logic: So now we need permission from a plant to take its fruit?

THE apple never falls far from the tree when it comes to vegan logic, writes XAVIER DUFF.

YOU’VE got to feel sorry for the vegans. Eating can’t be much fun with such a short list of guilt-free foods on the menu. No meat, eggs or dairy, and now even good wholesome honey, it seems.

Here’s me thinking honey would be the one bit of excitement in the poor old vegan’s bland diet, courtesy of the humble bee who bestows us their natural gift without anyone getting hurt, or having to feel guilty.

RELATED COVERAGE: YOU’VE GOT TO BEE JOKING

But no, honey is cruelty on toast apparently.

We are stealing the food out of the poor bee’s mouths while holding them as slaves in their honeycomb prisons, according to the vegans.

Playing it safe: Vegan honey on sale. Picture: Instagram

So they have to be satisfied with vegan honey, a concoction made of apple juice syrup that has as much in common with honey as tofu has with a sizzling dry-aged Wagyu sirloin.

But hang on — don’t you need bees to pollinate the apple tree to give the fruit to make the syrup that makes the vegan honey? So is that not just another form of bee harassment?

In fact, if you extend that logic, any fruit we humans devour involves exploitation of bees. The poor old vegans will starve to death at this rate.

Seems to me “foodism” has become the new religion. Now that church has fallen out of favour people need some other form of self-denial. Presbyterians, Catholics and Anglicans have been replaced by vegans, vegetarians, fruitarians, pescetarians (they’ve conveniently reclassified fish as plants) the Church of the Latter Day Lactose Intolerant and the Glutenists.

I’m not sure where carnivores fit in the religious metaphor — atheists perhaps, or worse, satanists?

READ MORE: CELLULAR AG ERA DAWNS

If you reckon the vegangelicals are wacky, have a look at the sect called fruitarians who eat only fruit — and not just any fruit, but only fruit that has fallen from the tree. Because taking from a plant without its permission is also theft.

Waiting for it to fall on the ground is OK because the tree has decided to give it away — the equivalent of us putting our old couch on the nature strip.

This idea that we haven’t sought consent from the bees, chooks, cows or sheep to pinch their produce is the crux of the vegan creed. The animals and insects did not sign a contract of supply with agreed terms and conditions. But is it our fault they can’t organise themselves into a union?

Xavier Duff.

Where does it all end? Should we not ride horses, race pigeons or even have pets?

Is pony club no better than cock fighting? And what about that fat Labrador fast asleep on your couch — did Bonnie consent to being your prisoner? As for the working dog, farmers better start paying award wages and superannuation otherwise they will be asked to please explain at the Fair Work Commission.

It’s all so confusing, I think I need a beer. Then, maybe not. Quite a few million yeast sacrificed their lives for our decadent pleasure and I’m pretty sure they didn’t give consent. Better stick to lemonade — made only with fallen lemons of course.

● Xavier Duff is a senior The Weekly Times reporter