James Weir recaps Paul Murray Live Pub Test: The Mavericks

Australia’s messiest politicians have set the bar low for tonight’s leader showdown, with the Gold Coast debate descending into a wild bar fight. James Weir recaps.

ScoMo and Albo’s thunder has been stolen ahead of the first leader debate by a rag-tag troupe of Australia’s messiest politicians, who went rogue last night in a Gold Coast bar fight.

One Nation’s Pauline Hanson, United Australia kajillionaire Clive Palmer and firebrand federal MP Bob Katter went head-to-head in an uncensored debate on live TV where there was only one goal: to out-crazy each other.

Also in the scrum was Senate hopeful and former premier Campbell Who-man.

Sorry. Newman. Campbell Newman.

But clearly he wasn’t the drawcard. He should’ve been in the crowd selling popcorn to the 140 Queensland spectators.

The Paul Murray-hosted Sky News broadcast was officially billed as The Mavericks debate. Obviously none of them would’ve agreed to participate if it went by the original title, The Looney Tunes.

Because that’s exactly what the event was. A freak show. A spectacle. Roll up! Roll up!

How was the winner decided? In the final round, all four politicians were made to wrestle while wearing inflatable sumo suits. Then the loser had to streak down Cavill Ave.

It was a fight to the death and it all took place in our nation’s version of the Colosseum: a suburban Gold Coast tavern.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

Pauline Hanson, Clive Palmer, Bob Katter and Campbell Newman gathered on the Gold Coast for Australia’s weirdest political ‘debate’. Picture: NIGEL HALLETT

Pauline was the headline act. The rock star. The Beyonce surrounded by three Michelles.

The cheers were deafening from the moment she was introduced. At one stage, it seemed like an old lady with a wheelie-walker was about to start crowd surfing.

Tensions were high. In the space of 12 months, Pauline has been the victim of two separate ambushes. First, she was bitten on the face by a tick. And then she was attacked by wasps. There was every chance that, during last night’s live television event, Pauline would complete the trifecta and get swarmed by bees.

Pauline knows her brand and she knows all the beats she needs to hit during a performance like this. She barely needs to try anymore.

Responding to the very first question, she launched into a shaky-voiced rant that ended with her yelling, “If the Greens have this country they will destroy us – we’ll end up as a third world nation!”

The crowd went wild.

Despite a chaotic 12 months, Pauline Hanson was the clear star of the show, with the men immediately falling far behind. Picture: NIGEL HALLETT

Pauline suffered a wasp sting to the face earlier this year, sharing the brutal consequences in a photo on Facebook

Her three opponents knew they were already far behind. Clive Palmer’s no fool. He saw how well Pauline’s statement was received and he decided to just rip it off while answering a question about China.

“We are a third world country now and we don’t realise it!” he declared.

Then things took an intimate turn. Clive told a romantic story about how he had a candlelit dinner with Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen on his last day as Queensland premier.

“He looked across the table at me and …”

You kissed?

“He said, ‘Clive, I’ve built a lot of dams.”

… And then you kissed?

Bob Katter knew he had to catch up. But, while giving his response about China, he did that thing where he starts passionately delivering a longwinded anecdote and his speech rhythm gets really jolty like Bill Cosby telling Rudy a funny story. By the time he started wheezing, everyone had zoned out. But they immediately snapped back to attention when he warbled, “Every boy in this country … should have access to a rifle!”

It was almost more confronting than when he said the phrase, “The dairy area that I represent” but it sounded like “the derrière that I represent”.

Clive Palmer tried to woo voters with a steamy tale about dams and the former Queensland Premier. Picture: NIGEL HALLETT

Bob Katter regaled the crowd with a long and pointless tale, before remembering where he was and leading back to his bold plan to arm Australia’s boys. Picture: NIGEL HALLETT

As the panel answered questions about China, dams and infrastructure, one thing became clear. They all … agreed. It wasn’t even a debate. Host Paul Murray knew he had to inject some scrappiness back into the fight.

“Politics gets ugly … what’s the biggest lie any of these three have said about you?” he posed to each of our mavericks, daring them to turn on each other and launch into trash-talk.

But the boys weren’t brave enough to take on the battle.

“Water off a duck’s back,” Clive said meekly, before turning to his opponents and complimenting them.

Of course Pauline relished the opportunity to turn it into a victorious moment.

“I’ve been named everything under the sun and I’m still here fighting for the people of Australia!” she yelled.

Passionate, yes. But it failed to deliver on the “trash talk” element of the question.

The refusal to play ball had spectators scratching their heads. With our four mavericks being polite, what were we all even doing there? The fight had been snuffed out before our very eyes. A question was tossed out from the crowd: ‘If youse four lunatics are such good mates, why don’t ya just form one big team?’

Again, the boys weren’t brave enough to tackle the question.

While the boys shied away from the tough questions asked by the audience, Pauline was at every point quick to jump in with an extremely loud answer. Picture: NIGEL HALLETT

Pauline?

“I’ll answer that!” she yelled. “For years and years, because I came out of a fish and chips shop, (I was told) I didn’t have the brains for politics! I’ve done the hard yards – I’ve hung in there – and I’m there for the people of this nation. I will work with the Labor Party, I will work with the Greens, I will work with the Liberal National Party – and I will work with anyone here!”

She was on a goddamn roll. And as the clock counted down, she only picked up speed.

“Another big thing that’s high on my agenda is this Covid vaccine mandate!”

The crowd roared with a chorus of whoops and “yeahs!”. And then the little kids in the nearby playroom started mimicking the chanting. It only encouraged Pauline.

“I’m not an anti-vaxxer, but I’m very pro-choice. And I will not have a politician tell me what goes into my body!”

The crowd and the little kids in the playroom erupted. It was the kind of electric atmosphere we haven’t seen in politics since Kevin07.

The only thing that would’ve added more jubilation is if one of the pokie machines in the next room jackpotted and millions of gold coins started spilling out of it.

Then Bob had to spoil it.

“I’m 77 and I won’t be around long,” he held up his hands with a chuckle.

He was waiting for applause and laughs. Instead, everyone looked at the floor and shifted awkwardly in their seats.

It was yet another statement for the night that no one debated.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Originally published as James Weir recaps Paul Murray Live Pub Test: The Mavericks