The five stages you go through when ordering food online

NOTHING strikes quite as suddenly or severely as hunger. One second you’re patting a dog, the next second you’re patting a dog that looks like a burrito, and, well, let’s just say the next second can get really, really confusing.

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If you’re in close proximity to your kitchen, you could try and whip something up, but you know what would be quicker, easier, and just way more convenient? Ordering delivery. But with this decision comes a whole new set of hurdles, including the much dreaded but highly relatable conundrum of deciding exactly what to order. As you scroll through endless options on your phone, and you do that pretend mouthful of whatever you’re thinking of ordering charade, life can seem pretty overwhelming. But once you’ve made your decision and locked in your order, the hardest part is behind you. Now all you have to do is wait. Soon there’ll be a knock at your door and the plate of your dreams right in front of you. You just have to get through this next half hour or so. Here, we’ve broken down the five stages you go through when ordering food, to help you through the process.

Stage 1: The Struggle is Real Five hours ago, life was different. You were happy, healthy, content. It was lunchtime. But now, your stomach is starting to grumble. You talked back to your key because it took too long to open your front door. It’s official—you’re hangry. You look in the fridge, but it appears you have been robbed. Thieves have come in, left your TV and expensive Bluetooth speaker untouched, but completely stripped you of anything delicious to eat. Was it the Hamburglar? Mmm, hamburger. That’s it; you’ll have to order delivery. You open the app. The time is 7pm. Stage 2: Decisions, Decisions Okay, your stomach is definitely yelling, and you had that falling out with your key, but if you nip this in the bud right now and order something, you’ll be eating dinner before any serious damage is done. A hamburger does sound pretty good right now. Wait a second; do you even feel like a hamburger? Have you ever really felt like a hamburger? Weren’t you trying to go vegetarian? You haven’t had Pad Thai in a while. Is that for a reason? Have you ever really had Pad Thai? How much extra will it cost to add steamed dumplings? WHAT IS ON THAT PIZZA?! The time is 7:12pm. Stage 3: The Waiting Game It took you 13 minutes to decide what to order, but you’re still on track to eat way sooner than if you would have gone out somewhere. You’d probably still be waiting for your table, so you’re totally ahead of the game. The Gnocchi is going to be delicious—like clouds in your mouth. You get a notification. Your order is being prepared. You pour yourself a drink. Another notification pops up. Your order is on its way. You sip your drink. Instead of twiddling your thumbs while you wait, you may as well track your delivery on the map. You’re totally not impatient, just curious. Why are you going left at the lights, though? Oh my god, turn around. Oh, wait, sorry, my bad. See you soon. The time is 7:25pm. Stage 4: Knock, Knock Your delivery driver is out the front, but you can’t see them or hear them. You only know because you have been tracking their every turn since that Gnocchi left the building. You want to open the door, but they haven’t knocked yet. You pour yourself another drink. Knock, knock. The time is 7:32pm. Stage 5: So Full The Gnocchi was such a good call. Thumbs up. The delivery was pretty smooth, too. Another thumbs up. You’d definitely order that next time, though right now you can’t imagine ever being hungry again. You look at your receipt—wallet hardly scratched! You look at the sink—no dishes to wash! You lie on the couch and turn on the TV. What should you watch? Do you feel like watching a documentary? Have you ever really felt like watching a documentary? The time is 7:45pm.

Originally published as The five stages you go through when ordering food online