Forging family bonds

“I wouldn’t be where I am today without my mum,” says Kimberley Hobbs. It’s not an unusual statement for a grateful 28-year-old to make, but in Kimberley’s case, the woman she lovingly refers to as “mum” is not her biological parent.

10/4/18 - Kimberley Hobbs and her foster mum Eunice Boyd at home for story on her experience of the foster system. Photo Naomi Jellicoe

“I wouldn’t be where I am today without my mum,” says Kimberley Hobbs. It’s not an unusual statement for a grateful 28-year-old to make, but in Kimberley’s case, the woman she lovingly refers to as “mum” is not her biological parent.

Foster carer Eunice Boyd is however Kimberley’s mum in every other sense of the word.

Kimberley became a foster child at the age of just two years after her biological mother violently assaulted her. “I was pretty young. I don’t remember any of it, just what I was told. My mum wasn’t able to look after me very well and one day she just got too frustrated and hit me in public,” she says.

When future foster mum Eunice first met Kimberley, she remembers a toddler who was recovering from a split lip, black eye and swollen face. “She was a tiny little thing,” Eunice says.

Kimberley was already living with a foster family when Eunice met her, helping out as a community aide, transporting foster children to appointments and visits.

“When Kimberley first came into care she was a little scared rabbit,” Eunice says. “We went to get a psychological assessment done and they found the only person Kimberley had bonded with was me and they suggested I be made a foster carer.

“I ... said no at first. (But) my son (then aged 19) said to me ‘if you don’t take her, I will’. He absolutely idolised her.”

Kimberley remembers little about those early years except a slow easing of anxiety: “When I first came into care I was a pretty scared little child and Mum was pretty much the only one I trusted for a while. She helped me slowly become more relaxed around other people and helped me socialise with others. I don’t think it was easy.”

Attending school meant adjusting to life in a world where Kimberley believed she would be judged for her foster family upbringing.

“I was often quite nervous to say to others I was in foster care. It wasn’t until more into high school that I’d tell people and they’d say ‘What is that?’ and they didn’t have much idea of foster care.”

Like most teens, she felt pretty stressed out by Year 12 but, with guidance she was chosen to travel to London on a Spirit of Science scholarship. She also passed her exams.

Back in Australia she decided to study for a Bachelor of Science. “I’ve always liked science and thought that would help open the doors,” Kimberley says.

Although the study was sometimes difficult, she managed to secure a six-month period of study at Guelph University in Canada.

Eunice says: “I begged and borrowed – I think everyone gave us money in the end because they were sick of me asking. ... AnglicareSA was brilliant.”

In Ontario, Kimberley studied biology and environmental studies.

“Mum supports me in pretty much whatever I want to do,” she says. “She helped me look for scholarships ... and was there to support me emotionally through it as well.

“When I finished my science I wasn’t really sure what to do. I think I had a bit of anxiety as well, looking back. I then went and did my masters in social work.”

Unfortunately, learning how to talk to other people about their problems awakened old traumas for Kimberley but, once again, Eunice was there to support her.

A decision to instead study a Certificate III in Individual Support in Disability paid off. “I thought what could I do to help me gain more confidence and skills so I could perhaps later use it in social work,” Kimberley says.

She now has a job in the field and is enjoying spreading her wings and Eunice can rely on her to help care for other foster children who have found a home with the family.

Eunice says: ‘I’m just back from South Africa after two weeks and this young lady has dealt with running the household. I’ve got two kids with disabilities here ... and she did brilliant.”

The foster mum also helped Kimberley stay in touch with her three siblings, who were all in different foster care placements. Anglicare SA ensured sibling contact was maintained - a critical emotional and developmental element of family connection. Kimberley's biological mother died in the intervening years.

“I have two sisters and a brother. I keep in touch with them. Mum was always really good at getting me to see my family and my siblings when I was growing up,” Kimberley says.

Eunice and most of the 18-plus foster children she has cared for have also formed their own tight-knit family. “Every time we get a new one in, nothing changes. They’re all sisters and brothers and don’t let anyone else tell ‘em anything different.,” Eunice says.

Three gifts of love

It’s Saturday morning and Antoinette goes to cross the road to grab an ice cream with her daughter, Grace. Instinctively, she picks up the 11-year-old’s hand and they swing their arms happily as they go. These moments mean everything. Today, mother and daughter laugh together. They share in-jokes and often hug and hold hands. But it wasn’t always like this. 

Antoinette first met Grace when she arrived on her doorstep, aged five. She was only young, but had already been through several homes. She was confused, upset and resentful. 

“There she was, at my door being dropped off and wondering what had happened to her, where she was going,” Antoinette recalls of her beginning in her new role as Grace’s foster mother. 

But her immediate love and care allowed time for Grace to flourish in her new home.   

It will be five years in July since Antoinette and Grace have been together and both have blossomed in their new-found family. Grace is loving life and has become a great participator. She’s tried her hand at ballet, cheerleading, Girl Guides, and gymnastics. 

Like most 11-year-olds she is part of the bow craze brought to us by JoJo Siwa (of Dance Moms fame) and has her bedroom covered with Jojo decorations.

For Antoinette, she has learnt patience, resilience and love like she’s never really known. 

“Being her mum is phenomenal. It is a privilege. She lights up the house,” Antoinette says. “She’s been a gift and not just to me but to my family too. My mum and dad adore her and she has an exceptionally close relationship with my mum. And to my brother and his family as well, she has brought so much happiness, cuteness and joy.” 

A precious gift 

That experience — that a foster care child is a gift — is a sentiment shared across the spectrum. For Clare and Daniel and their biological children Jayden, 10, and Kate, 8, when their little sister — Ruby — came into their lives as a 10-week-old baby, it was a matter of love at first sight. 

Ruby had been removed at birth and had been in emergency care until Clare and Daniel received a call asking whether they could look after her on a more permanent basis. Clare recalls the first time she saw Ruby: “We were so fresh to foster caring and I drove and picked baby Ruby up and I remember popping her in the carseat and strapping her in and thinking: ‘Gosh, I haven’t done this in a long time’ … I got about half way home when I pulled the car over and rang my mum and said: I’ve got a baby in the car!’. I couldn’t quite believe it.”

About three weeks into their caring for her, the family received a phone call they weren’t quite expecting. Daniel explains: “AnglicareSA called to say that Ruby’s case had been to court and they had secured long term orders and would we be happy for her to stay with us. It was huge, but of course we said yes, we all loved her from the moment we saw her. There was no question.”

Clare and Daniel and their two children are now the legal guardians of Ruby — who has grown into a busy 20-month-old — and say they are blessed to have her in their lives permanently.

“For Daniel and I it is certainly keeping us young,” Clare laughs. “We are in our 40s and ended up with a newborn. So many people often say to us: ‘Oh, she’s so lucky to be with you’. But we’re the ones who feel so extraordinarily lucky to have been gifted with her. 

“For our big kids, I think they are now phenomenally compassionate and empathetic and they have a broader understanding of being a community member and understanding that not everyone is as lucky as them. In the end, I think this is making them better human beings.” 

But while Clare and Daniel have been able to see all of Ruby’s milestones — first steps, first words, first mouthfuls of food — Antoinette’s experience has been extremely different. The milestones she celebrated included the first time that Grace didn’t run out of her classroom at school; the first time she poured her own glass of milk because it meant she knew she wasn’t simply a guest; that first precious hug on the couch.

“We’ve still got some issues that we’re working on ... she still has a coping mechanism where she gets angry quite quickly, so we’re working on things like that. (But) I am bursting out of my skin to see her when she is 18 years old. Not that I want her to grow up, but I am so looking forward to seeing the person that she grows into. It’s no different to any other parent would feel about their child. We’re not biologically related ... but she’s my daughter.“

The cool aunties

Those milestones — the little ones that perhaps other parents might not necessarily notice — are always held dear by foster parents. Susan and Julia are therapeutic respite foster carers for Thomas, who is an 11-year-old with autism.

“We became foster carers to create a community around a child,” Susan says. “We became involved in therapeutic foster care because of my background in disability services and knowledge of autism. 

“Some of the most memorable times with Thomas are when he meets milestones that other kids have already met and you see him grow and develop in his ability to understand the world and communicate about the world. He also takes joy in some very simple things that we take for granted such as playing with water and washing things, talking to the dog and cooking in the kitchen. 

“Foster care is fun because we get to see a child develop and experience new things and take on new challenges. For example we recently went to the local swimming centre and Thomas decided to dive off the 3m diving board he was so proud after the jump and was ecstatic.”

The women have Thomas for one weekend every month and love being his “cool aunties”.

“Thomas is an awesome young person who is nearly 12 and has been in the same foster care placement for eight years now,” Susan says. “When he came into care at about four years of age he could not speak or walk but having a therapeutic foster care placement has enabled him to learn a range of skills and develop some passionate interests and a unique personality. 

“He loves trains and the car wash and is very passionate in general about anything to do with transport including road signs. He teaches us to be better communicators and to view the world from a different point of view. We think we have been able to give him a range of experiences that he might not of had otherwise, including going camping and joining us in our hobbies such a building Lego and metal detecting. We like to support him to try new foods and he has developed a love of sushi.”

An inherent interest

Each of these carers have one thing in common: that they each had an interest in foster care.

Clare, an early years educator, explains: “I was working in early years and saw how important it was for children to have safe and stable environments, but we had our own kids and needed to make sure they were ready to foster with us. We talked to them about it in kid terms ... Kate took it very simply. But Jayden had some wobbles and when we got to the bottom of it, he was worried about little kids messing up his Lego.”

Antoinette agrees: “I think it’s a privilege that you can offer this little person all these opportunities that they are otherwise not privy to. I was wanting to give something to a child; making them feel worthwhile and showing them love and perhaps showing them things they’ve never experienced or had and it’s a privilege to be able to do that.”

Antoinette, a business manager with no biological children, first inquired into becoming a foster carer when she was married. By the time she went through the training, she was divorced, but never has her single status been an issue. 

“If you’ve got the passion and the love for it, why would you let being single stop you?,” she says. “I want Grace to have the best life; to know that she is valued and so loved and so worthwhile.” 

To inquire about becoming a foster carer with AnglicareSA, contact anglicaresa.com.au/moments-that-matter

Originally published as Forging family bonds