Australia must do it the South Korean way: get gold or get conscripted

“Rampaging” Roy Slaven is the alter ego of comedian John Doyle. Here, he gives his satirical take on Olympic motivation.

When the world gathers every four years for the festival of sport(s), I always encourage athletes to get out of the cloistered life within the Olympic Village and mingle with locals and tourists as a means of gaining insights as to how others live. Many have taken the opportunity to do this. It was on one such occasion last week that I found myself in a Parisian cafe with Lord Coe, Kieren Perkins, Kyle Chalmers, Emma McKeon and South Korea’s archery gold medallist Lim Sihyeon.

The conversation was largely predictable – the French sense of style, the unpredictable weather, the open sewer that is the Seine, the organised chaos of the local transport system and the relevance today of the Cult of Dionysus, in reference to the storm brewing among conservative Christians over the Feast of the Gods/Last Supper opening ceremony imbroglio. Typically French, we agreed.

Like South Korea’s archery gold medallist Lim Sihyeon, the medal or military idea is on target. Credit: AP/Bloomberg

Inevitably, the talk turned to the motivation for success. It was at this point we all sat up and took notice of Sihyeon, who informed us that the prime motivation of the South Korean team was to avoid national service. Win a medal, and you avoid several years of the grind of the military.

Lord Coe thought this a “magnificent idea”. He began texting newly minted British PM Keir Starmer, while indicating his enthusiasm for compulsory military service. Off the top of his head, Coe listed the countries he knew for a fact had such a scheme – Russia, Turkey, Israel, Iran and Norway. He seemed keen for the United Kingdom to join what he termed “the commonsense club” as a means of keeping “wastrels” with too much time on their hands off the streets.

I explained that compulsory military service in Australia had not proven very popular back in the day and had cost Doug Walters his best batting years in the middle order. For Australian athletes, being selected to represent their country was a potent reward in itself and anything on top of that was a bonus. To “medal” made for many fabulous opportunities, be it becoming an ambassador for Harvey Norman, Hancock Mining, Telstra, Woolworths or Toyota. And there was a guaranteed fortune to be made being the face of a betting agency down the track. I added that I was willing to wager a fair bit on Cate Campbell immediately being offered a hosting job – either on A Current Affair or maybe her own game show.

Cate Campbell on TODAY. Keep an eye out for her on ACA.Credit: Nine

Kyle nodded and said he was looking forward to the party on the glass boat Gina Reinhart had hired specifically for the Dolphins swimming team. She simply wanted to share her largesse, and for the team and their families to sample some mercifully decent Michelin-hatted catering.

Lord Coe said he was still hoping for an invite. There followed a brief embarrassing silence.

Emma took all this on board and was thoughtful for a time before quietly suggesting she would be more than happy to do military service as a means of paying the country back for the wonderful opportunities it had given her. Suddenly, Kyle was animated. They batted words between themselves and came up with a suggestion. Aussie gold medallists would, for 12 months, be welcomed into the armed services as high-ranking officers – generals. Silver – colonels. Bronze – captains. All others – sergeants. They would use their training methods and experiences to pass on The Knowledge. To share the tricks of the fitness trades. To do their level best in making our modest army the best in the world, capable of punching well above its weight. Emma became as animated as Kyle. “And it would fill the hole. No longer would there be the post-euphoria blues.”

Kieren was more circumspect. “I’ve travelled a lot. Every time I come to Paris I end up talking about armies, or warfare, or misery. It’s in the ether here. From where we are sitting now we can see where battles have been fought, where people have been slaughtered, where tumbrils have rolled and queens beheaded. It’s no wonder they’re a bit weird.”

Coe was taken aback. “That’s the trouble with swimmers, you end up melancholy because you spend so much time alone looking at a black line. Too much time to think. In my sport, thought is the enemy.”

I took the opportunity to text the Australian prime minister’s people. An Olympic-inspired national service was the sort of policy that would create bushfires only in areas that need burning off. It’s a policy Peter Dutton would be strongly advised not to oppose. He’d probably be angry he hadn’t thought of it himself.

“Rampaging” Roy Slaven is a retired sportsman and expert commentator. He co-presents Bludging On The Blindside with HG Nelson on ABC Radio.