By Annie Lawson
As we head into the work silly season, we would all do well to invoke some ancient wisdom to better tackle those colleagues who drone on about strategic thought showers, or resist the urge to slag off another peer, or worst of all, get completely sozzled and demand the CEO gives you a promotion.
Be careful not to overdo the silly season. Illustration from Stoic at Work.Credit: Illustration: Oslo Davis
Nearly 2000 years ago, Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius used Stoic philosophy to help him manage tricky people and challenging work situations. His insights are just as relevant today as in the 2nd century CE. He came to expect that people would be frustrating, and knew that taking a measured approach was the best way for him to stay on top of his game and not let his work take over his life.
“You must always preserve in yourself the virtues of freedom, of sincerity, sobriety, and good nature,” he said in his self-help bible Meditations.
The following rules from Stoic At Work: Ancient wisdom to make your job a bit less annoying (Murdoch Books) will help you better manage the revolving door of festive work events.
Rule 46 – Bring yourself to work, but not your whole self
“Bringing your whole self to work” is a concept that attempts to unite our work self with our non-work self. It is well-intentioned, based on the idea that revealing our whole selves to our workmates will promote greater understanding, and therefore more effective ways of collaborating.
But there are things you say at work, and things you do not say. Even though we spend more time with our work colleagues than with our partners, the level of disclosure at work is determined by an unspoken social code.
All of us have a mix of good and questionable attributes. Bringing the whole shebang to work would create problems. Your work self plans ahead, attends meetings and discreetly eats a salad sandwich for lunch. You suggest a deeper analysis on a project to make sure you have covered all the issues.
Your home self leaves the bedsheets on for three weeks, ditches a mate’s pub night to binge-watch a show and eats ice cream straight from the tub.
The “whole self” philosophy is fraught. In my experience, the only reason work relationships remain intact is because we don’t blurt out what’s on our mind. If I told Sharon from finance that Donald Trump had a better personality than her, I might soon be out of a job.
Don’t bring your “whole self” to work.Credit: Illustration: Oslo Davis, from Stoic at Work
The “whole self” mindset also depends on where you are on the ladder of success. By the time you reach C-suite, you can definitely let your freak-flag fly, and bring your family along for the ride because you no longer need to prove yourself. You’ve already made it to the top.
As for the rest of us mugs on the lower rungs, we just need to show we’re good at our job.
As a Stoic, bringing your whole self to work would be no trouble because there is no chance you’ll blurt out how boring Gary from IT is because you will have impeccable self-control.
But sagely behaviour is more something to aspire to than ever realistically attain, given our behavioural limitations. Making progress towards this ideal is all that matters.
Rule 13 – Suck up, but don’t suck up
Whether to suck up or not is a hotly debated subject in many workplaces. Most people roll their eyes at suck-ups, yet stroke the vanities of executives themselves at some point in their careers.
The suck-up hovers near the boss and other important people, delivering well-timed compliments. They mirror the boss in meetings with infuriating comments like, “That’s an excellent point, and I’ve been thinking the same thing” and “I couldn’t agree more that [insert what the boss just said].”
There is a continuum. At one end is paying a simple compliment to a senior leader, motivated by normal human decency and with no hidden agenda.
At the other end of the spectrum, there is full-scale, vomit-inducing brown-nosing in order to get ahead; clearly, this is fuelled by ambition and ego.
Try to limit just how much you suck up to the boss. Your colleagues see you.Credit: Illustrations by Oslo Davis from Stoic at Work
Though it’s excruciating to watch, the workplace rewards suck-ups. If you take a strong, principled “no suck-up” stance, do not be surprised if your boot-licking colleagues leave footprints on your head as they climb up the greasy pole. More annoying than witnessing a suck-up is the realisation that it is effective.
Your job is to listen to a leader talk about their success, ask a couple of follow-up questions and then slink back into obscurity. Unless, of course, you are a suck-up. Then your job is to bathe the leader in compliments, segue into how brilliant you are, and plant the seed in their mind that you should be next in line for a promotion and a pay rise.
Those of us incapable of slurping up to executives sit there, wooden and tense, smiling and nodding, taking discreet bites of our sandwich and hoping the salad does not lodge between our teeth.
However, we can learn a lot from these work suck-ups. The ability to say the right things to the right person at the right time is a good skill to have when a project goes pear-shaped or the wheels of promotion need a little greasing. But it requires sharp political skills to come across as sincere and not self-serving or manipulative. You need to be genuinely interested in other people, and pay attention to their responses.
Marcus Aurelius was attuned to the false compliments from sycophants eager to please a man in his powerful position. He knew, too, that the truth can be harder to determine when you’re in a position of great power. Marcus knew that flattery was meaningless – and that believing the hype and allowing power and adulation to go to your head was dangerous. “And here you must guard against flattery, as well as anger, for these are both unsocial qualities, and do a great deal of mischief.”
That is easier said than done. It is hard to dismiss the warm inner glow of being praised for a job well done, regardless of how authentic it is. Or to disregard someone else’s delight at a compliment you have given them.
Rule 27 – Don’t get (too) drunk at work events
It is hard to know where to start with this rule. On one level it is obvious: getting sloshed at work events is a recipe for disaster. But there’s also nothing better than getting sozzled with work colleagues and downloading on all that is wrong with capitalism, society and everyone you work with.
The trouble is that alcohol incinerates your inhibitions and can lead to conversations with senior leaders that can be somewhat career-ending.
Some decades ago, colleagues and I were invited to drinks at Parliament House. The couches were comfortable, the conversation interesting and the company engaging. My friend Caroline and I were both three days into our new jobs as political journalists, so we were keen to make a good impression.
Stoic at Work by Annie Lawson, illustrations by Oslo Davis; Murdoch Books.
But as the champagne flowed, it became obvious that we were not exercising any moderation. We found out that some MPs were holding a celebration out the back, which we merrily crashed. The couches were less comfortable, the conversation looser and the company a bit rowdier – largely thanks to us.
Things rapidly went downhill when Caroline accidentally knocked a politician off a verandah. He lost his footing and rolled down a few stairs to the grass, where he lay motionless. Caroline then cornered another minister and outlined her own vision for the country. But her conversation was so garbled that he just copped a load of spittle in his face. She then shoved her empty glass in his face and said ‘More wiiiiine!’ He mouthed the word “help” to his chief of staff.
The next day, our heads delicate and our reputations in an even more precarious state, we turned up to a media conference, where it became apparent that news of our misadventure had spread throughout the press gallery. Journalists and political staffers slow-clapped as we walked in. It will be no surprise that, just a few months later, both Caroline and I found ourselves in a regional court covering a case about a man who had married his goat, with our political aspirations lasting about as long as the man’s marriage to his hoofed bride.
There is no evidence that the ancient Stoics did not have a drink or two. But it was all about moderation. Back then, too, it was considered barbaric if you did not water down your wine. They encouraged conviviality. Having a drink feels like it washes away our troubles, heals wounds and frees our mind from caring too much. But there is a difference between a couple with friends and eight shots at a work function. A little is fine – but not too much.
Rule 22 – Don’t get caught slagging people off
Once you have slagged off an employee, a manager, a staff member or a customer, and they hear about it, there really is no coming back. Whenever you feel the urge to slag someone off – don’t. Because it always gets back to them. And of all the people not to slag off, the executive assistant to the CEO is top of the list. Do not under any circumstances fall out with the CEO’s EA. They wield disproportionate power and can make or break your career if you upset them.
Since the dawn of time, people have behaved badly. Marcus Aurelius frowned upon those who slagged off others. But what if their behaviour is so egregious that you are compelled to knife them in the back? And what if you’re the one being slagged off?
According to the Stoics, there is no need to respond by showing fear, anger or despair. Stoicism advises that it is not what happens to us that matters, but how we respond to it.
Suck it up, and don’t bad mouth your colleagues or customers.Credit: Illustration by Oslo Davis from Stoic at Work
If there is justification in the criticism of us, we should learn from it. If the criticism is malicious, it reflects poorly on the proponent. If they spread untruths, then the information needs to be corrected.
This toxic behaviour is about the bully, not the victim.
Stoicism reminds us that we have agency even if we are subjected to slander or unfair behaviour. We have control over our thoughts, feelings and actions, and we derive strength from our positive relationships with our family, friends and colleagues.
Rule 45 – Be likeable, but not too likeable
Most people would prefer to be liked, but it is liberating when you can accept that you won’t get on with everyone. A mission to be liked is doomed to failure – there is always someone who will snipe about something you have done or failed to do. Defaulting to people-pleasing mode can backfire if you end up resenting the unfair advantage you have given someone else in a bid to get them to like you.
Remembering names, being positive, showing an interest in others and being reliable will encourage others to warm to you. But going overboard can be damaging, as Sally Field discovered when she accepted the Oscar for Best Actress in 1985. “I can’t deny the fact that you like me,” she said. “Right now, you like me!” After that speech, many did not.
Marcus believed it was a waste of time to worry about other people’s opinions. And yet, it is difficult not to be conscious of what others think. Everyone wants to be liked, but can someone’s opinion of us determine how likeable we are?
Mastering the art of separating fact from opinion helps bring perspective to concerns about what others think. Attaching self-worth to the opinions of others fuels worry. Letting their opinions wash over you, having discarded the need to be liked, frees you from the shackles.
This is an edited extract from Stoic At Work: Ancient wisdom to make your job a bit less annoying, by Annie Lawson; illustrations by Oslo Davis. Murdoch Books RRP $24.99.