‘Somebody should lift you while you lift them’: relationship wisdom

When marketing and advertising executive Martin Shew (right), 50, met his partner, retail designer David Cook-Doulton, 58, he couldn’t hold a hammer properly. Now they run two boutique hotels they’ve renovated themselves.

David Cook-Doulton (left) says of Martin Shew: “He marketed himself and I bought the pitch!”Credit: Josh Robenstone

DAVID: Martin is a fiery little character. He’s 5′ 7″ [170 centimetres] but, in terms of his personality, he’s 7½ feet tall. We met online in 2011. Martin popped up and I thought he was handsome. He marketed himself and I bought the pitch!

When we met, I thought: “God, you’re just so alive.” I loved his fearlessness because, growing up gay in West Gippsland [in country Victoria], I was fearful in many ways. Martin is from New Zealand with a Chinese background, so being gay was tough for him, too. As a gay man, I thought I’d experienced so many challenges, but when you’re in a relationship with a man with Asian ancestry, you start to see what they run into.

A few years ago, in a Ballarat shopping centre car park, a young boy about 10 banged on the car window at Martin and yelled, “Chink!” Martin went up to the kid’s family in the checkout and lectured them. He’s a powerful person. Often at the hotel, a guest will direct their conversation to me or a nearby white person. They assume Martin is a staff member. They wouldn’t think they’re racist, but it’s common.

Not long after we met, I bought a Victorian-era terrace in Ballarat [west of Melbourne]. I was telling Martin my dreams for it and he was 200 per cent behind me. He transferred to Melbourne from Sydney and we kept our corporate roles but spent weekends working on the terrace, eventually buying and renovating the one next door [the pair sold the Lascelles terraces, now heritage accommodation, in 2021]. I looked at how Martin held a hammer and thought, “This is gonna be a long project.”

“If you nurture that pillar of strength in your relationship, you’re invincible; it’s where all the happiness comes from.”

David Cook-Doulton

Later, we bought this old mansion in Ballarat, a doctor’s surgery and home, and moved there as the pandemic hit in March 2020 to start the long process of turning it into a hotel [Hotel Vera, named after David’s grandmother, opened in December]. In the middle of that, I found a hotel in Bendigo [north-west of Melbourne]. Martin said: “No.” I said: “Hear me out.” We bought that, too, and Hotel Ernest, named after my grandfather, opened two years ago.

Before Martin, I had been in a very long relationship. The younger me, that shy country boy, really wanted someone to validate him. The older me believes that somebody should lift you while you lift them.

I always see the good in people, and recently I trusted some people that I shouldn’t have; Martin was angry with me. It was a shock coming into rough economic times, but it brought us closer. I thought, “Gosh, you’re the person I trust. We’re getting through this because you are you.” If you nurture that pillar of strength in your relationship, you’re invincible; it’s where all the happiness comes from. Sometimes Martin’s directness can feel harsh, but he’s super loyal. I just wouldn’t be the fully realised person I am without him. I’m incredibly lucky.

MARTIN: As soon as I met David, I knew he was someone special. He was charismatic and good-looking, but most importantly, he was kind and respectful.

I’d just accepted a transfer back to Sydney, so our first date was there. The distance allowed us to get to know each other without being in each other’s faces. I’d spend Monday to Friday in a flashy Sydney office, then fly down and spend weekends in Ballarat helping him renovate. I loved that we were creating something. I liked the physicality: it gave me an outlet to relieve stress and burn calories. I love David’s creativity – he likes to get his hands dirty. We both feel guilty when we’re sitting watching television.

“David’s helped me be a bit more cognisant of the fact that people have, you know, feelings.”

Martin Shew

We fell in love with Ballarat because it was one of our meeting places. We were able to find each other without the distraction of our friendship groups in Melbourne and Sydney. We just enjoyed the environment, lake walks and nice coffee in cafes. Those things are lovely.

This sounds very corporate, but David provides me with a road map and a future of possibilities. He’s also taught me how to be kinder to people. I can get caught up in my own world. David’s helped me be a bit more cognisant of the fact that people have, you know, feelings.

David loves and cares about the environment. Once, we were late for a wedding and he stopped for a turtle crossing the road. Then, wearing a suit, he climbed a barbed-wire fence and put it on the edge of a dam. He always checks the pouches of dead kangaroos on the side of the road for joeys and he’s taught me to respect all animals. He’s never been dismissive of the racism I experience.

Over the years, my parents have come to accept that I’m gay and they respect David because he’s so kind. He’s also very generous: when one of his friends was made redundant a few years ago, he found a home for her and her family, helped with the renovation, found some of the tradies and helped with the garden.

Because he’s creative, people are like, “Oh, you just like pretty things.” But he has a steely determination. He looks for the white space and is able to visualise and pull things together. Hotel Ernest and Hotel Vera are a testament to his creativity, but also his commercial acumen. He creates it, I sell it. It’s a perfect partnership.

If someone had said to me, 15 years ago, that I’d be living in Ballarat or Bendigo, I would’ve wondered what planet they were on. I didn’t know Bendigo existed until 20 years ago when an old boss mentioned it, talking about its rich Chinese cultural history. I was intrigued by that – and now we’ve got a little hotel there.

David sees the good in everyone and doesn’t like conflict. We definitely have each other’s backs.

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