The single most annoying sound of summer

There is no better time to realise you’re ungrateful than lying wide awake and scrolling through Instagram at 3am. Inevitably, you will come across someone who has posted one of those vaguely inspirational quote tiles designed to remind you exactly how good you’ve got it.

My personal favourite came from a girl who went to my high school that I will soon unfollow. She posted a picture of the ocean accompanied by text that read: “If you have food in your fridge, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a nice place to sleep, you are doing just fine.” The caption? “Grateful.”

Merry Christmas to everyone except the mosquito terrorising me each night. Credit: Michael Howard

I had most of those things – food in the fridge, clothes on my back, and a roof – but, unfortunately, my nice place to sleep was disturbed by an unmistakable buzz.

A tiny irritant, nearly invisible to the naked eye but so powerful it will jolt you from your slumber and leave you hate-scrolling the internet in the early morning hours.

The mosquitoes have arrived, and they’re showing no mercy.

Mosquitoes, like Mariah Carey and end-of-year lists, are a seasonal punishment we must all endure. Like clockwork, the moment temperatures rise and rain begins to fall the mosquitoes are released from somewhere deep in an Amazonian swamp (I assume).

Their sole mission? To sneak through a crack in the flyscreen and ravage my entire naked body while occasionally buzzing past my ear as a sick reminder that they are in charge.

Have you ever tried to find and kill a mosquito in the middle of the night? Hard to be graceful – or grateful – when you’re half asleep and terrorised by a silent enemy. It’s an act that quickly reduces you to a madman, clutching at thin air, muttering under your breath. Before long, you begin seeing things that don’t exist. What’s that black spot? On the ceiling? Ah, it’s just mould.

Eventually, you give up, exhausted and defeated. The lights go off, but you’re unable to relax because you know what awaits you in the darkness: the buzz, the bite, a useless slap.

To make matters worse, my wife claims to be one of those annoying people who “doesn’t get bitten by mosquitoes”. She says things like “I don’t think they really like me”, while my son and I scratch feverishly – the price you pay for delicious skin.

Speaking of paying for things, after several sleepless nights, I was prepared to purchase any product that offered some salvation. Luckily, an entire mosquito repellant industry is ready to take your money.

Can I interest you in a wearable device? Perhaps a mosquito wristband that looks like a Fitbit? How about a special type of UV light with a specific wavelength that attracts and zaps mosquitoes? According to the packaging, the portable design makes it perfect for camping, fishing, outdoor meals, barbecues and more!

Ultimately, I settled on two zappers (indoor and outdoor), some citronella candles, and the humble mosquito coil, a staple of every suburban backyard despite being largely useless.

Impossible to separate without snapping in half, they’re supposed to “repel mosquitoes for up to a 20m² area, for up to a total of 240 hours”. Instead, they usually crumble upon opening, forcing you to bundle together a pile of leftover coils, which you will forget about until it burns an enormous hole in your table.

Having armed myself for war, I was disappointed to learn that the mosquitoes were savvier than I gave them credit for. They knew not to fly into the zapper or too close to the citronella candles, navigating the traps expertly while never losing sight of their goal – spreading disease and driving me insane.

Sitting in a house that smelt faintly of smoke and was bathed entirely in blue light, it was difficult not to feel let down by science. If we’d just spent less time building self-driving cars or teaching robots to do heart surgery, perhaps the mosquitoes wouldn’t have us beaten.

As with any long-running battle, it’s essential to know when to concede defeat, and for now, I’ve accepted the mosquitoes as my new overlords.

Lying in bed being eaten alive, the only consolation comes from the most unlikely source: the girl from high school with another well-timed Instagram post, this time a picture of a sunset. “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”

Find more of the author’s work here. Email him at [e-mail] or follow him on Instagram at @thomasalexandermitchell and on Twitter @_thmitchell.

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