Those boots ain’t made for skolling

This past weekend, Socceroo Jackson Irvine captained his cult German club to victory, sealing the club’s promotion to the top-flight Bundesliga for the first time in 13 years.

It was great to see, and it was even better that he shared that moment with club and country teammate Connor Metcalfe, along with thousands of delirious St Pauli fans who had invaded the pitch in celebration.

Truly the stuff of dreams.

As expected, the party continued into the dressing sheds. It was at this point things became distinctively – and rather disgustingly – Australian.

It was shoey time.

Irvine and Metcalfe raised their match-worn football boots to their mouths, and drank.

Evidentially, the shoey is up there with Bluey as the great Australian cultural export of the 21st century. The New York Times called it “Australia’s grossest drinking tradition”, but that would imply shoes have enjoyed longevity as one of this nation’s preferred drinking vessels.

Daniel Ricciardo celebrated in the usual manner after winning the 2018 Monaco Grand Prix.Credit: Dan Istitene/Getty Images

Now, I’m not going to begrudge anyone their right to celebrate in whatever way they see fit. What people choose to put into their own bodies is the business of them and them alone. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be put off by the act, which by any measure is more than a little … icky.

The first time I became aware of this apparent national pastime was seeing Australian Formula 1 driver Daniel Ricciardo celebrating a podium finish with his lips around his sweaty shoe, some time in 2016.

As I subtly – but surely – dry-retched at the sight of our latest sporting hero ingesting a cocktail of sweat, skin flakes, tinea and booze, I couldn’t help but wonder just what the hell was going on.

I don’t profess to be at the forefront of cultural trends – that ship sailed when there was a “3” at the start of my age (let alone a “4”) – but the shoey has puzzled me ever since Ricciardo’s podium display. When, and more importantly why, did this ever become a thing?

Even Ricciardo seemed to recognise just how strange it was.

“Whether it was disgusting or not, that sort of was irrelevant, it was bringing something new to the sport, so we’ll see, if I start winning a lot of races I might have to start taking some antibiotics or whatever, we’ll see,” he said in 2016.

Ricciardo didn’t event the act – for more on the history, see Junkee’s thoroughly researched probe into the matter – but he certainly propelled it into the mainstream.

Harry Styles does his first ever shoey at HBF Park in Perth last year.

Since that fateful podium finish, shoeys have been everywhere.

It seems every visiting celebrity to these shores is being pressured into public displays of shoey, akin to Bob Hawke at the cricket, but with shoes.

Harry Styles did it. Post Malone did it.

No - not Kylie too!Credit: Brit Awards

These touring acts used to just cuddle a koala. Now, they’re chugging down a shoe-flavoured tipple – and ruining perfectly good shoes in the process.

It’s frankly cruel to subject visitors to this awful ritual, especially when they’re already on edge dealing with the foreign, but very real, threat of drop bear attacks.

And it’s of equal concern that this act has become so synonymous of our national character.

Is this really who we are?

With Brisbane 2032 on the horizon, one can only hope shoeys go the way of planking (remember that?) before we invite the world over for the biggest celebration this city’s ever seen.

And as we toast our Olympic visitors, we must ensure it’s with glasses in our hands, not our old Dunlop Volleys.

If the shoe fits, don’t sip.