‘My fear has increased’: Abbie Chatfield on when to bite her tongue

Each week, Benjamin Law asks public figures to discuss the subjects we’re told to keep private by getting them to roll a die. The numbers they land on are the topics they’re given. This week, he talks to Abbie Chatfield. The reality-TV star and broadcaster, 29, is best-known for being a runner-up on The Bachelor, winning I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here and co-hosting The Masked Singer. She hosts the podcast It’s a Lot with Abbie Chatfield, and the TV show FBoy Island Australia.

Abbie Chatfield: “It shocks me that people are still living like it’s 1954, women cleaning and men carving the meat.”Credit: Remco Jansen/BINGE

RELIGION

Big philosophical question: what do you believe in?
When I was younger, I was an atheist. Then, as you get older, you kind of go: “Well, maybe there is something more going on.” In the past couple of years – it seems so wanky – I’ve really wanted to believe in human connection. Maybe there isn’t a higher being, but I can create my own meaning through connection with other people. That’s what really matters, and what creates a fulfilled life.

Are there things you used to believe in that you’ve changed your mind about?
In my early 20s, if men catcalled me, I used to turn around and be like: “What the f--- did you just say to me?” That was my form of feminism. As I’ve gotten older, my values and beliefs haven’t been subdued, but my fear has increased. In this industry especially, we talk so much about violence against women and about the extreme impacts of the patriarchy. I’d still love to say, “F--- off!” but is that worth getting followed home for? Maybe it isn’t my job to change every individual man’s mind; maybe I can empower people to think differently rather than putting myself in danger.

Do you have any personal commandments?
Thou shalt not feel bad for cancelling plans with friends at the last minute.

They might actually be like “Thank you”, right?
[Nods] Last night, I was going to have dinner with someone who’s in town from LA. We’d been so excited to hang out. He cancelled within the hour and I just said: “Thank you so much; I’m so tired. I’ll see you in LA.” Also, “Thou shalt have open communication with your friends in the same way that you do in [intimate] relationships”. In the past couple of years, I’ve learnt to have hard conversations with friends and it’s created a deeper sense of connection and security. My best friends and I speak to each other like we’re dating. We say: “Hey, this upset me. Can we talk about it?” It’s made me a better person and helped me have stronger relationships.

DEATH

You’ve been candid about how, when season 7 of The Bachelor was airing in 2019, you had suicidal thoughts. What happened?

The constant trolling was horrific. It’s very easy for people – even very well-intentioned people – to say: “Who cares what these people say? It’s Marylou from Wodonga! Who gives a f--- if they’re saying negative things about you?” But if you’re told something over and over again – even if you know it has no merit – your brain absorbs that information in some way. It was really rough. I was at my office job crying all day every day. I felt so misunderstood and so isolated.

What helped?
My friends in Brisbane were amazing and would try to protect me in every way they could. My girlfriends always made sure that I was watching [the show] with someone. One would take my phone, delete all the negative messages, then read out positive tweets and messages to me. And obviously, my mum and sister. I was very lucky to have such strong connections around me.

What gives you life?
In the past year, I’ve really focused on appreciating where I live. All I ever wanted in a holiday was to lie on a beach, drink a cocktail and laugh with my friends. And I had this moment when I got back from overseas last year: I was like: “Oh, I can already do that. I live on Bondi f---ing Beach!” My whole goal in life was to live in Sydney by the beach and now I live a four-minute walk from Bondi. Everyone I love is either in walking distance or a flight away in Brisbane. So I’m practising gratitude.

What’s going on your tombstone after you die?
[Laughs] A QR code with “Stream FBoy Island, season 2, right now!”

POLITICS

You have clear values. Where did they come from?
I grew up with a single mother, no men in the house, so I never had these problematic, patriarchal ideals instilled in me. A lot of my friends who grew up in traditional households think it’s normal for women to just clean up after dinner. It shocks me that people are still living like it’s 1954, the women cleaning and the men carving the meat. My mum’s a really intelligent, vocal, progressive woman. Growing up with her, we’d watch the news and she’d go “What a bloody dickhead” or “Isn’t it awful the way these women are being treated?” There was constant conversation. It helped me refine my debating skills.

What does Australia get right?
I want to say Medicare but, Jesus Christ, things are going downhill there. But compared to America, which is so partisan, Australians are much more malleable. Our political parties are more nuanced, which partly comes from compulsory voting.

What do we get wrong?
So much. The racism … the No vote for the referendum last year. But there are also so many amazing activists, and so much education on social media coming from people like [writer and transgender rights activist] Nevo Zisin, Grace Tame and Chanel Contos. People are having progressive conversations that are really important. We’ve got a lot of work to do, but there’s optimism and hope.

When are you going to run for office?
Actually, recently I was like “maybe I should go into politics”, but I’m tired. Maybe if FBoy Island, season 3, doesn’t happen …

FBOY Island Australia season two premieres on BINGE on August 5.

[e-mail]

To read more from Good Weekend magazine, visit our page at The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age and Brisbane Times.