Jacqui Lamingtons and Pasta Albanese: it’s an election bonanza

It is hard to remember a time before the 2022 election campaign. When William Bligh hid under his bed to avoid the Rum Corps, perchance? Or when five men, a woman, and her cat sailed aboard the Enterprize up the Yarra?

And at this late stage, polling day, it is hard to imagine life after Election 2022.

Here are some things we are looking forward to: not having to say corflute for another three years. Giving our scalded eyeballs a rest from teal. Seeing far less of our elected representatives. Cutting back our social media hate-scrolling.

Credit: John Shakespeare

So as you enjoy your democracy sausage or Pauline Roll (plain white) from Camdenville Public School, or prepare your Saturday night party menu of Josh Fryden-burger, Penne Wong, Clive Parmas, Pasta Albanese, Dave Shawarma and Jacqui Lamington, CBD presents the campaign that was.

LOOK AT THE HAND

Before Scott Morrison tackled a school kid – his most newsworthy campaign moment – there were plenty of other highlights. For Albo, his most newsworthy moment came when he drew a blank when asked about the unemployment rate. But hey, it could happen to anyone, right? But where Albo faltered, Morrison distracted.

PM30 kicked off the campaign enthusiastically paying homage to the Greatest (Political) Showman Peter Beattie, chalking up photo ops alongside BMX bikers, Bunnings shoppers and robots to rival the long-time former Queensland Labor premier’s stunt of swimming with sharks. Given the Liberal Party ructions over controversial women-in-sports campaigner and ‘captain’s pick’ Katherine Deves, Morrison’s look-at-the-hand caper was an obvious attempt at distraction. They didn’t name him “Scotty from Marketing” for nothing.

SWITCH OFF

The TV debates tend to be more lowlight than highlight, but they never failed to get the eyeballs. Just a shame then that each of the three shout-fests – including one hosted by this masthead’s owner, Nine Entertainment – served as a depressing reminder of just how little regard Australian politicians have for their constituents.

Voters hoping for a sophisticated political confrontation were left sorely disappointed as the run-ins matched Domenica and Olivia going at it during that Married At First Sight dinner party. But if the debates themselves were washouts, the drama behind the scenes certainly wasn’t, particularly as the ABC tried valiantly – and failed – to secure its own debate.

Aunty’s failure to get in on the action was a blow for everyone from managing director David Anderson down, with his letter to both Labor and Liberal campaign headquarters imploring them to agree to a debate on the national broadcaster falling on deaf ears.

But clearly, the allure of the Quiet Australian fans of Lego Masters (before the 60 Minutes debate on Nine) and Big Brother (before the debate on Seven) proved more attractive than the ABC’s audience, otherwise known as the Australasian Branch of the Society of Fans of Vera.

Interestingly, the ALP did make a passing attempt at another debate, writing to the Liberals suggesting a debate in the last week of the campaign. But that timing was never going to find favour.

“Generally in the last week it’s traditional for the leaders to hold an address at the National Press Club,” NPC chief executive Maurice Reilly told CBD. But Morrison even skipped out on that election tradition. A double disappointment for the NPC.

“The board of the NPC would still like to see the establishment of a debates commission to get past this debate about the debates.” So say we all, Maurice.

IT’S A SIGN

If CBD didn’t have the teal independents, who would we get to write about? The Greens?

In fact the only mention we had was of Adam Bandt having a solo working lunch and not attracting a scintilla of interest from passersby on the corflute-saturated progressive thoroughfare of Brunswick Street, Fitzroy in his electorate of Melbourne. Despite him being in the window seat. At least Greens senator Lidia Thorpe got her share of coverage with a giant mural on nearby Lygon street created by Gadigal artist and owner of Honey Bones gallery, Jeswri. We bet Trent Zimmerman never thought of that!

The Lidia Thorpe mural on Lygon Street, painted by Gadigal artist Jeswri. Credit:

Further east, Federal Treasurer Josh Frydenberg was busy post-budget spruiking the government’s efforts in putting lifesaving drugs onto the Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme.

The latest of these was Zolgensma. “We’re proud to have listed Zolgensma in #Budget22. At a record $2.5 million for a one-off treatment, this is the most expensive drug listed on the PBS & will save many Australian lives,” Frydenberg tweeted recently.

Zolgensma and another drug, Spinraza, previously listed on the PBS, were subject to extensive clinical testing including at the Royal Children’s Hospital, Melbourne.

And who was a key member of the research team? None other than Professor Monique Ryan, head of neurology at the Royal Children’s Hospital and Frydenberg’s teal independent challenger in his seat of Kooyong. Small world.

ALMOST BLUE

So let’s take a moment to pay tribute to the teal independents and the genesis of the political movement which has kept on giving – to this column at least. What would there be to write about if we didn’t have petrified treasurer Josh Frydenberg and his Tesla-driving Climate 200 founder bete noire – who also happens to be his neighbour – Simon Holmes a Court?

We’d still be making jokes about former Voices 4 Indi MP Cathy McGowan as Australia’s original Agent Orange, who planted the seed for independent movements in safe seats around the country but chose an orange hue.

Herald resident colourist Nick Miller tells us the colour teal originated from the Eurasian Teal, the smallest of the family known as “dabbling ducks”. In the 17th century teal duck grease was recommended as a treatment for “cold distemper of the nerves”.

And when startled, a teal can shoot straight out of the water almost vertically, executing corkscrew swerves and bolting for the horizon at 80km/h. Political metaphor.

A CBD investigation revealed some teal independents were really using the shade better known as cyan. We can’t believe News Corp hacks missed this and the opportunity to hammer Steggall et al. for weeks – after all, “Not The Real Teal” is an attack ad that writes itself. Personally, we would have gone with this zinger: Cyan-ara.

THE REINFORCEMENTS

Then there were the letter writers. Former prime ministers John Howard and Julia Gillard begged electors to put a hand in their wallets, while in the US Malcolm Turnbull accidentally-on-purpose gave a speech extolling the virtues of independents to a little-known institution called the Harvard Club. Such was the eagerness of the Australian public for the Great Man’s hot take on the campaign that this paper – surprise! – was able to report the comments prior to PM29’s actual delivery of them. “Even if the members of a political party cannot escape from the thrall of the dominant faction, their traditional supporters in the electorate can do so by voting for an independent who has a real chance of success,” Turnbull said in his speech to the smart people.

Howard, for his part, issued a bespoke letter extolling the virtues of Josh “The Fry” Frydenberg. Heck, Finance Minister Simon Birmingham even followed up Howard’s missive with two emails just to make sure party faithful had read PM25’s message the first time. We get it guys, you needed the cash.

HEAVY HANDS

But Labor also needed moolah. What Labor lacked in prime ministerial material – it’s not like Paul Keating was ever going to rattle the can – it made up for in cool. Opposition campaigners secured gladiator Russell Crowe, who did his fellow Rabbitohs supporter mate Anthony Albanese a solid by providing the voice-over for a slick pre-election advertisement.

Albo and his fan Russell Crowe.Credit: John Shakespeare

Political media recluse and former environment minister Peter Garrett tapped supporters with an evocative message reminiscent of a rock ballad with a memorable chorus: “I’ve chipped into the Labor Campaign fund. Will you join me?” Then came Labor’s one-time world’s best treasurer Wayne Swan with a stirring plea for cash. “We’re entering the most dangerous period,” the ALP national president told supporters. “We’ve seen the devastating impact of an 11th-hour scare campaign before. Some volunteers are already reporting an increase in disinformation in groups, channels and group chats in key parts of the country. Last minute online scare campaigns are a real threat in modern elections. We must be ready!”

We’re still waiting for the letter from PM26 Kevin Rudd, who so far has appeared to sidestep the letter-writing duties in favour of monstering Sky News reporter Simon Love in front of a crowd of bemused Labor supporters. A pitched battle and a strange look from a party which purports to fight for fairness. But we digress. Who will they wheel out next: imminently forgettable former party leader Simon Crean?

DEDICATED FOLLOWERS

Our views about corflutes are well known. And during this campaign T-shirts were passe – even if they were designed by Australian fashion royalty Camilla and Marc. Yes, here’s looking at you Dave Sharma, who had his campaign T-shirts designed by none other than C&M co-founder and doyenne-about-town Camilla Freeman-Topper. But it really was fashion wars at 50 paces in Sharma’s well-heeled and uber-stylish marginal seat of Wentworth, thanks to independent candidate Allegra Spender.

The seasoned chief executive, who is daughter of the late, vaunted designer Carla Zampatti, took political advertising to a new frontier with her campaign which took signage from corflutes to sustainably made swimming caps, tote bags (“good quality,” we were repeatedly told) and even Allegra-themed dog bandanas in a quest to blanket the former Liberal safe seat with the teal message. We waited for the accessories to crop up in similar streets of Goldstein and Higgins but no dice. There’s always 2026.

Across town in the hipper electorates of Sydney and Grayndler, Labor demonstrated its urban appeal by printing Albo’s mug on thousands of soviet-red and black beer coasters which mysteriously appeared in a handful of pubs around Labor’s campaign headquarters near Cleveland Street in Surry Hills. A guerilla campaign tactic, or was the coaster the cart-before-the-horse that comes before Labor goes full Marrickville and Thornbury and releases its own beer? Nothing would surprise us.

Joe Hockey and Trent Zimmerman.Credit: John Shakespeare

But for campaign favours, nothing could top the solid former treasurer Joe Hockey did for his former staffer turned local MP Trent Zimmerman when he tackled a leak in the roof of his garage with the only tarpaulin he had: a giant blue banner emblazoned with the word “Trent”. The tactic solved the leak in the roof but it confused some residents in the leafy locale of Hunters Hill, who initially thought it was the local tennis club which adjoins the garage pinning its political colours to the mast and backing the local MP, rather than the former pollie resident. But Hockey had no qualms about the display. “I got sick of the independents’ signs everywhere around the area and I had [a tarp] left over with Trent’s name on it and so I thought, ‘why not use it?’” he told CBD from his new home in Washington, D.C.

“There are probably mixed feelings [about the sign], which you can see from the street … actually it’s like the Great Wall of China, hopefully you can see it from space.”

NAKED TRUTH

There really ain’t no party like a Reason Party. After the Sex Party three years ago chose a more, er, reasonable name, party leader Fiona Patten and co decided that sex still sells.

Victorian Senate candidate Yolanda Vega helped stage an exhibition fundraiser which featured “nudes in wild colours”.

“What do nudity, the federal election, and equality of opportunity have in common? And no, this is not about tawdry sex and politics,” says the press release put out by Vega, a former chief executive of the Australian Women Chamber of Commerce.

“Passion. Pride. Protest, an exhibition featuring young female Victorian artists” ended up taking more than $7000 on the night, with 80 per cent of the artists selling at least one piece. Vega herself sold all three of her nudes (painted by her, not of her). It might be an omen? Meanwhile, the party made sure its presence was felt in NSW, hand-picking former ad executive turned professional tweeter and public outcry specialist Jane Caro as its candidate for the Senate. We can see the book already, working title Gruen Goes to Canberra.

WINNER TAKES ALL

Then again, what are the spoils of victory? The next prime minister will need to lead a nation of indebted home owners struggling with rising interest rates, cost of living blowouts and regional geopolitical spot fires, while engaging with a recalcitrant crossbench likely to be emboldened by the success of the teal independents. Plus an electorate whose temperament ranges from the indifferent to the irascible.

LAST WORDS

So for Election 2022, it’s a big goodbye to all that. But it’s also a big goodbye from your columnists, who are both off to new challenges, if not greener pastures. It’s been a stellar run, a privilege and honour to bring you CBD’s take on the news, politics, arts, sport and British gastronomia for the past three years. In political speak, It’s Time. Thank you for reading.

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