Chanel Contos: Stop asking women about doubt and imposter syndrome

Each week, Benjamin Law asks public figures to discuss the subjects we’re told to keep private by getting them to roll a die. The numbers they land on are the topics they’re given. This week, he talks to Chanel Contos. The 25-year-old activist and author founded the Teach Us Consent movement. She’s a member of the Global Institute for Women’s Leadership and founder of its Global Youth Committee.

“There are things I said two years ago: I might change the way I said them and I’ve learnt more since then...it’s not me losing faith in my message or doubting what I said before.”Credit: John Davis

DEATH

You’re a consent-education activist. Is it true that you have experienced death threats as a result of your work? I haven’t – touch wood – received a death threat in a while. But when I started the petition [calling for sexual-consent education in NSW schools in 2021], I’d get them frequently – and very frequently when I was posting testimonies. It was retaliation, mainly from men.

Was that scary? No, because I was in London and this was all happening in Australia. I felt as if I had a kind of safety shield running the campaign from over here.

Still, I imagine waking up to messages of abuse isn’t a great way to start the day. No, it’s not. I mention briefly in my book that women who work online pretty much tell themselves that online abuse is normal. The same way we’ve sold ourselves the narrative that harassment and uncomfortable comments are a part of womanhood in the real world.

What’s best practice for anyone receiving abuse and death threats?
Contact the Australian eSafety Commissioner’s office. They can do a lot. We shouldn’t be used to it but, unfortunately, we are.

RELIGION

You’re Greek-Australian. Were you raised in a faith?
I’m christened Greek Orthodox, but I’ve never followed a religion. When I was younger, I used to pray; my grandma used to love seeing me pray, so sometimes I’d do it to make her happy. But being Greek Orthodox has impacted my life culturally rather than religiously.

What do you believe now?
In karma. If you do good, good comes back.

You have an adage: “Be ruthless with systems. Be kind with people.” What does it mean to you? That’s the first quote in my book because I love it. Someone sent it to me when I was really mad at someone else – they were trying to rid themselves of some accountability – and asking for advice. This quote [attributed to late US political commentator Michael Brooks] put things in perspective and stuck with me. It’s important that we radically criticise and deconstruct high-level power structures, existing systems and things that we’re told to believe, but individual people shouldn’t get caught in the crossfire. Even at a political level, I rarely single out individual politicians for their beliefs, views or actions. Sometimes you have to, but I think it’s more useful to invite everyone to look at the big picture. It also speaks to the fact that you can have very radical thoughts and ideas about activities that you engage in without being a hypocrite. It’s like: “I’m allowed to do this, but I’m allowed to understand that this system is corrupt.”

What motivates you to keep going?
It just seems so obvious what needs to be done. I guess it then feels obvious to try to keep convincing people to do it, too. I feel motivated to keep doing something because so much of [the problem] feels easily preventable. Whenever you can lend a hand, why would you not?

Do you ever doubt yourself?
Not really.

What’s the secret?
Obviously, you’d ask any interviewee this. But I feel as if women often get asked about their doubt and imposter syndrome. Women don’t always need to be doing cool things and feeling scared about themselves while they’re doing it. In terms of my message [about consent], I have full faith in it. There are things I said two years ago: I might change the way I said them and I’ve learnt more since then, which adds nuance to my opinion. That’s completely fine. It’s not me losing faith in my message or doubting what I said before.

SEX

What were you told about sex growing up – and what should you have been told?
I grew up in a conservative Greek household. It wasn’t necessarily “No sex before marriage”, but there was lots of shame around it. I should have been told about consent, mutual pleasure and healthy intimacy. How to know when you feel comfortable. That there’s no equation between someone’s purity and their self-worth.

You write about how rape and assault can often be perpetrated “unconsciously” and “unknowingly” by teenage boys. Can you expand on that?
The most common types of sexual assault and rape in Australia do not fit a stereotypical understanding or perception of rape. At scale, the most common age to perpetrate sexual violence – to perpetrate sexual assault – is 15 to 19 in Australian males. These young men are doing these acts a lot of the time because they’re mimicking what they see in pornography. They’ve bought into the idea that a woman exists for the purpose of pleasing a man. They’ve only ever had conversations about male sexual gratification. There’s never been a conversation about how this experience is meant to be pleasurable for their partner. So it happens unconsciously, unknowingly and – often – very regretfully. I think a lot of these boys grow up and regret what they did. That’s really a challenge: how can young men have these conversations – holding themselves accountable for their actions without perpetuating the shame?

What you’re describing is a compassionate approach.
I feel really bad for how much the education system [has failed people]; it’s just as much of an injustice to these young men.

What are the core ingredients of good sex?
Communication, respect, empathy, mutual pleasure.

Chanel Contos’ new book Consent Laid Bare (Pan Macmillian) is out on September 12.

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