Uber for kids? How about we just stop driving them around

You’ve woken up on uncounted Saturday mornings, mentally tallying up the kilometres ahead of you. Daughter’s basketball game, 10.20am, 17 kilometres west (detour to pick up two, possibly three teammates). Leave by 9.30am to account for Saturday traffic. Next, son’s karate grading, 3.45pm, six klicks south.

By the end of the weekend, you’ve driven more than you have during the week. You’re exhausted. But it’s for a good cause. It’s for your children who may well be gifted in one or more sports. You just have to find which one. And drive them there. And back.

There’s never a quiet moment in the taxi of mum and dad.Credit: iStock

The years of mum and dad’s taxi stretch out interminably. Too young to drive themselves, sporting fields too far to cycle to. Haven’t you fantasised in excruciating detail about a world without ferrying your offspring about? Be careful what you wish for, parents of Australia. The future is here. I’m not sure you’ll like it.

Remember the giddy early days of Big Tech when you could fly to San Fran, buttonhole someone in a turtleneck, give them an elevator pitch and return with a mill or so in seed funding? “OK picture Airbnb… but for dogs”, or “It’s Tinder – but for bruised divorcees with zero interest in cohabitation”.

Well, someone inside Uber just pitched Uber – but for unattended kids. That’s right. Uber is coming for your job, mum and dad taxi drivers. They are going to disrupt your cosy, stitched-up industry where you drive your own children places. You will summon a trustworthy stranger rated 4.8 stars minimum. You will inspect the kiddy seat or booster, if needed. You will input the meandering, frustrating route to the stadium, and add the special instruction: “Do not lose my child.” A final wave, and then you can head to the gym or back to bed.

After years of dabbling in one dystopia or another, Big Tech deserves praise for getting back into their original utopian dreaming. Imagine your existing life with less mundanity.

Now, some naysayers will, quite naturally, say nay. But have a little faith. You’re worried about your poppet’s safety? Uber will let you watch them fidget and stare out the window through in-car cameras. No doubt you’ll even be able to speak to them.

What about once out of the car? That’s where you activate your shoulder drone, which will hover obtrusively behind your child as they make their way to the game. There’s a start-up making them under the brand “Helicopter Parenting”.

OK, I tease, I tease. I have absolutely zero stakes in the matter. As a naturally indolent dad, I’ve dealt with the looming threat of having my weekends soaked up by taxi time by letting my kids choose from a restricted menu of weekend activities within three kilometres and ideally, walking distance.

Yes, that’s probably stopped my poppets from achieving glittering heights in anything other than gymnastics (300 metres away), bike riding (out the front door, or the nearby velodrome if super keen), and pottery (anything’s a sport if you get competitive about it).

I decided to let my kids choose weekend activities within three kilometres and ideally, walking distance.Credit: Vince Caligiuri

But just run the numbers, people. You want your child to be the best in netball? The sport 1.2 million Australians play regularly? The best? I’m sorry to dash your hopes. If it helps, pretend it’s a lottery. Which it is, I guess, in a genetic sense.

Look, I’m not opposed to Uber’s reinvention of the wheel. “Get this: it’s an Uber – with car seats for kids.” After all, taxis can already ferry your children solo and without car seats if you’re feeling secure and trusting. Children can – unbelievably – legally take the bus to school (I know). What I am opposed to is everyone spending their weekends moving children around, regardless of who’s driving.

If your kid loves doing sport, sure. But if it’s for their future, just stop moving. Take a breath. Let them experience the joy of deep, boring time doing sweet FA.

“I’m bored dad” – have you tried reverse engineering the iPad? Did you know you can find a four-leaf clover if you look hard enough? Good luck for life. I wouldn’t lie to you. Would I? By the way, you know that kid down the street? She’s been doing pottery at home. She’s getting good. Her dad told me she’s going to enter a few competitions. Might even win. Can’t let that happen unchallenged, can we buddy?

And if you absolutely must do something improving for them, teach them how to pitch to the new breed of AI tech bros. “OK so, it’s an artificially intelligent chatbot – as a friend replacement!” See? Much easier.

The Opinion newsletter is a weekly wrap of views that will challenge, champion and inform your own. Sign up here.