To protect the Charlottes of this world, we need to call bullying what it is – violence

Kids can be little shits to each other. Absolutely no doubt. But the question of how we stop that behaviour is so hard to answer that we haven’t even come close.

One in seven kids in Australia is a victim of bullying. I reckon that might be a bit of an underestimate. Just about everyone I spoke to before I wrote this column had a story. The big boofy bloke whose entire class turned against him on the eve of the school formal. The extremely talented sporty kid bullied for being black. The class beauty. The class clown. The gay kids. It’s a roster of everyone. The only thing in common? A moment of vulnerability spotted by one or many. The bully gang is terrifying.

Regina George, the teenage tyrant from Mean Girls, comes in many shapes, sizes, genders ... Credit: Paramount Pictures

We may not know how to stop kids doing this to each other, but we urgently need to protect the victims. The Charlottes. The Dollys. The Tyrones. And those who have survived.

I can tell you a dozen stories of kids who’ve been sent home from school because they were being bullied. Kids who got sent home from school camp while the bullies stayed and played. Kids who were never called out on their behaviour because “of the perpetrator’s home situation”.

So first, let’s talk schools. Bullying has a strict definition in a school context. Must be repeated and ongoing behaviour. Must have the element of power imbalance or what’s described as “the misuse of power in a relationship”. It involves behaviours that can cause harm or what’s called intent.

This is the biggest load of bollocks I’ve ever read. Too limiting. Requires nuanced understanding by adults of the multiple derangements of young people. For example, how on earth would any school leader understand the power imbalance in a classroom? Believe me when I say this – Regina George from Mean Girls comes in many shapes, sizes, genders ... Teachers barely have the time to get through all their curriculum work or admin to be able to understand all the relationships in a class, and I can bet you school leaders have no clue.

Sydney school student Charlotte, aged 12, took her own life.

This is no disrespect to teachers. Most do not have time to deal with the level of misery in their classrooms despite wanting their classrooms to be places of safety and comfort. It takes time and resources to make that happen. Public schools do their utmost, and private schools, drowning in money, ought to be ashamed pastoral care is not their No.1 goal. Let me introduce you to the kid abandoned to bullies by a fancy private school because the student came out as gay. If I could take away its lavish education licence, I would.

We must ditch that limited definition of bullying now, says Sydney University bullying researcher Victoria Rawlings. Call it for what it is – violence. And if a child feels violated, that’s enough to sit down and listen and find ways for that student to feel as if they belong to the school community, to feel as if they are connected.

How can we protect kids? A few things. First, recognise that if a kid comes to you in pain, you have a problem. Her former friends are telling her they’re only joking, but ​​that’s one way in which kids frame their violence. Jokes. It’s not funny if it’s breaking your heart.

“This makes it incredibly hard to have meaningful interventions straight up – they take more time and energy because the perpetrators don’t immediately accept that they have caused harm,” says Rawlings. “The language they use is also sometimes incomprehensible to adults – teachers might not understand the context or words that are used to harm. This makes it incredibly difficult to disrupt things at times.”

It is grinding work and parents have a big role to play. Don’t ever tell your child to soldier on. They are distraught and, to a kid, it all seems overwhelming. Be an advocate. Not that it always helps. The parents of Charlotte did their 100 per cent best but, as her father said: “The onus was always on Charlotte to do better. She had to get a medical clearance to come back to school. We felt there was never enough attention on what was causing her to feel this distress.”

Onus was on Charlotte. The victim. Heartbreak right there.

Here’s some targeted advice for parents, from Flinders University’s Ben Lohmeyer. Take your kid seriously. Keep good notes. Book a time to speak to the teacher, the school counsellor, the principal. Ask the school to detail what steps it will take. Lohmeyer says loneliness is huge in teenagers. The presence of bullies can make it feel worse.

Also, do not be like me and shout at the parents of a bully. It made me feel ashamed for losing control, but I’m not ashamed to say the bullying stopped.

We can’t afford to lose any more kids. Call it for what it is. The schoolyard, the playground, the classroom, online. That’s where violence plays out.

Lifeline 13 11 14

Jenna Price is a visiting fellow at the Australian National University and a regular columnist.

Get a weekly wrap of views that will challenge, champion and inform your own. Sign up for our Opinion newsletter.