TikTok is trying to convince me my partner is a cheat

I was recently scrolling through every millennial’s favourite attention incubus (Instagram) when my procrastinating was interrupted by this headline: “You might not realise it, but are you being slow dumped?”

The attached image showed a 1950s housewife gazing lovingly at the empty silhouette of a man. Scurrying to the piece, I discovered a psychologist unpacking “slow dumping”, the committed relationship equivalent of ghosting – a term that refers to the phenomenon of a new or prospective lover evaporating unexpectedly, leaving nothing but haunting memories of slightly above-par sex and a strong meme game in their wake.

Is your social media feed undermining your relationship?Credit: Istock

Slow dumping, according to the psychologist, is ghosting’s inverse. In a committed relationship, one party can’t stomach a breakup and, to the anguish of all, they begin distancing themselves physically and emotionally from their partner while refusing to end things.

According to the article, signs you’re being slow dumped include: transactional and delayed text messages, a lack of engagement on social media posts, and dwindling sex.

I started crunching the numbers on my own romance. A short message about when he should pick me up instead of a series of thoughtfully curated cat videos. A dip in the number of times we had sex the week before because he “had an ear infection” and was “experiencing vertigo”. I only post sporadically on social media, but he had neglected to fire-react to a photo of pancakes I ate while sitting next to him at a photogenic café on Instagram Stories. Were these signs that he had a life subject to forces outside my immediate need for validation or … something more sinister?

Tragically, social media algorithms are as sensitive as a person who has recently read an article about slow dumping. Suddenly, my feeds became an avalanche of “relationship trends”.

The psychologist in the aforementioned article explained that it’s tough to know if you’re being slow-dumped, and you should seek therapy if you’re feeling chronically insecure. Boring! Fortunately, TikTok had plenty of other options for doubting lovers.

First, there’s the orange peel theory (100 million views), wherein you ask your partner to peel you an orange. If they leap at the chance to perform a task you could do yourself, you’ve found Prince Charming. If they question your request, you have a problem. According to the tens of millions of views amassed on these videos, your partner’s reluctance to peel an orange could indicate infidelity and be a sign of cheating or “micro-cheating”.

Not to leave you with a problem and no solutions, further TikTok videos suggest placing a glitter bomb in their car passenger seat mirror. If their mistress, mum, or vain friend from football goes to check their face, they’ll leave an explosive trail of glitter behind and, bam, micro-cheat or full-blown cheat has been exposed.

If you’re suspicious but short on time, try the Water Dance challenge (381 million views). If he looks at the woman in the viral video rather than simply listening to the music, he could be attracted to women which is, apparently, cheating.

Alternatively, try the strawberry test (398 million views). If he says he would eat strawberries from a field, you can treat him to hours of silent treatment because he’s just revealed a penchant for philandering, as well as antioxidant rich snacks.

These videos feature almost exclusively millennial women dating men, and, ostensibly, it’s a pro-women environment. Many posts start with “Girl, if he’s…” like Samantha on Sex and the City ready to serve some blunt home truths.

But, as edifying as it was to watch pink-tracksuit-clad millennial women trick their boyfriends via glitter bombs, these videos left me unsettled and paranoid.

While the tone was supportive, the persistent message is that taking your relationship at face value is foolish, considering yourself inherently loveable is unwise, and to trust a man is to defy gravity.

These trends bring to mind a way of appealing to women’s insecurities as old-fashioned as trite advice manuals like He’s Just Not That Into You and Why Men Love B*tches, which promised women answers to the mystery of the male brain in exchange for dollars.

Of course, it’s hard to blame social media algorithms for personal insecurities; the apps aren’t consciously trying to sell us anything specific with their feeds. But they are designed to buy our attention and one way to do this is by appealing to our biggest fears and greatest desires: abandonment and security.

There are many reasons heterosexual millennials could be looking for signs their relationships are “on track”, given that the “tracks” laid out by mum and dad are increasingly irrelevant and/or unattainable.

Traditional milestones like getting married, having kids and buying homes together now feel like a manifestation of every millennial anxiety. And these videos play to that by placing a man at the centre of a woman’s mental and material world. While critical of men, they still suggest the best use of a woman’s time resides in monitoring and monopolising male attention.

Of course, women have a lot more to contend with in 2024. If you’re stewing because you tried the bird test (31.8 million views) and your partner didn’t show eagerness to engage in new interests with you by dropping his phone and staring at the pigeon you pointed out, count to three before heading to Spotlight for glitter. It’s non-biodegradable, and the impulse indicates you probably need to have a chat or, alternately, find a friend to pursue your budding interest in ornithology.

Ruby Feneley is a freelance writer and editor.

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