Each week, Dr Kirstin Ferguson tackles questions on workplace, career and leadership in her advice column Got a Minute? This week: avoiding the work Christmas party, being ghosted by a mentor and creating faux workplace values.

Our work end-of-year drinks are always messy. Last year a senior manager tried to hit on one of the junior employees, but nothing was done about it. This year the function is at the same venue, same open bar, and the same HR emails have just come out reminding everyone to act respectfully and responsibly. I just want to skip the event altogether, and others feel the same way, but we are worried we will be seen as “difficult”. Can I just not go?

End-of-year events must have the highest ratio of poor behaviour per minute than pretty much any other professional gathering I can think of.

It is no wonder so many organisations have done away with them and found something more impactful to do as a team. Since your company still seems to think they are a good idea, it is great news that you are not alone. Stick together and I think you have a few choices.

First, you can go together to HR or whomever is organising the annual end-of-year events and ask that in future they consider doing something other than a “piss-up”. In the meantime, let them know you would prefer to sit this year out; not because you don’t love your job or because you don’t like a good party, but because you don’t like your workplace turning into a drunken free-for-all. A completely reasonable request. If you end up feeling you must go, stick together on the night, make an appearance and then get out of there. It sounds like many people will have had a lot to drink so it is likely you can turn up briefly and leave without any one noticing at all.

A senior woman took me under her wing when I joined the company. She’s now ghosting me – cancels catch-ups, ignores messages, but posts selfies at “women in leadership” events. I’m hurt and confused. Do I ask what happened or just accept I was a pet project?

It is a shame this mentoring relationship seems to have ended, but it may not be due to you. Her communication leaves a lot to be desired, that is for sure, but it may be worth thinking about what else could be going on.

First, it may be that she truly is really busy, and for whatever reason, has needed to put you at the bottom of her priority list. We have all had moments like that and while the impact on you is significant, the decision may not have been personal. Second, she may have had different expectations that the mentoring was temporary, not ongoing. I can think of many mentoring relationships that do fizzle out over time. Third, she may feel you don’t actually need to be taken under her wing any more, as she is impressed with all you are doing on your own.

I would try speaking to her when you can but try to reframe the end of the catch-ups away from being due to something you may have done. Instead, ask for feedback on how she thinks you are going and whether she thinks there is any value in continuing with your meetings. If she is now too busy to do them as often as you were, or if she thinks you are doing great on your own, you can relax and move on.

Our department just rebranded – new logo, new values, new slogan. My boss asked me to design a “values wall” in the office. When I suggested using staff quotes, she said, “No, just make up some that sound authentic.” I was shocked that she would even suggest that, and now the whole thing seems inauthentic, and I don’t want anything to do with it. How do I do what has been asked but abide by my values?

I did laugh at the irony of a values wall full of made-up quotes. Sadly, I suspect it is not all that rare! Given the staff quotes was your idea to begin with, why not come up with something else that feels more authentic to you. Photos of team members living the values, a piece of art done by a team member to represent the new values or slogan, handwritten notes from team members about why they come to work each day … whatever you think will work best. I think there will be many options which will allow you to meet the brief and live your own personal values too.

To submit a question about work, careers or leadership, visit kirstinferguson.com/ask. You will not be asked to provide your name or any identifying information. Letters may be edited.

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