The quality I have embraced that makes me a better parent and partner

We have two new cats in our family. And if you’re a Not Cat Person you would hate them. Jade and Ruby, adopted as not-quite kittens, not-yet adults, are exactly the destructive, skittish little devils that give cats a bad name. And I love them.

Curiosity turns fear into wonder, the unknown into an experiment and hardship into learning.Credit: ISTOCK

They are hilarious and mischievous and surprisingly dexterous judging by the carnage we’re met with each morning. They’ve opened cupboards and torn into vacuum-sealed kibble bags. Set the Casio keyboard off to play a jazz backing track. Started a Zoom call on an open laptop. Got stuck on a 3-metre shelf, and in a tissue box, and a bass drum. Chewed the printer cable almost through. Curiosity could indeed kill these cats.

It’s an adage I’ve had on high repeat, and while vigilantly saving these cats from themselves, I’ve pondered curiosity and how transformative this quality is. It might be fatal for felines, but I’d argue it’s the opposite for their keepers. To dull curiosity is to shut ourselves off from life. I wouldn’t be who I am without it. Which is, well, curious, because it’s a quality that hasn’t come naturally to me.

My natural qualities are being afraid, avoidant and risk-averse. I’m not a natural explorer or adventurer, because no one gets injured sitting on a couch.

I’ve never even had a thirst for knowledge. Questions of the universe? Sorry, not for me. I’m busy cleaning my fridge. Is there life in space? Irrelevant. I’m in a full-time battle with facial hair. How did life begin? I don’t really care, although there’s something growing in my teen’s bedroom that could hold the answers.

I decided to never waste a minute. To stop living passively and start living intentionally, unapologetically and passionately.

JO STANLEY

But some time in my 40s, I made a decision to live my life fully. At the time I remember a feeling of disconnectedness. A sense of life happening to me. Of being inert in my own story. And so I decided to never waste a minute. To stop living passively and start living intentionally, unapologetically and passionately.

In real terms, I had no idea what that meant. I think I’d read Eat Pray Love and was hoping to find a reason to move to Italy to eat a lot of pasta. But what I did know was that I had to stop being so scared. People who never waste a minute sometimes have to get off the couch.

So I started reading books about overcoming fear. And then books about self-compassion and shame and goal-setting and creating great habits and getting things done and creativity. I was a self-help book cliché, no shame. Because I read the book.

And one page at a time my curiosity was sparked – about humans, not the universe – but it doesn’t matter what you’re curious about. What matters is you’re learning to question, and I did – in the very safe world of books.

Which lead to the less safe world of self-inquiry. It can be terrifying to hold a mirror to yourself and explore the genesis of your thoughts and feelings and behaviours. But people who live intentionally and unapologetically have to know what’s holding them back.

So I forged on, asking questions and growing my curiosity about myself, the world around me and everyone in it. I was inspired by my scientist husband and his love of chatting to strangers on trains and dog parks and the shops, something I’d found deeply irritating for 20 years (I mean, two hours to buy some milk?), but now could see was curiosity in action.

I learnt that curiosity is a muscle you can strengthen, and a response you can choose. And when I have done so, the incredible result has been courage I never knew I had.

Curiosity turns fear into wonder, the unknown into an experiment and hardship into learning. It makes me a better parent and partner, as I slow my response to open-hearted questioning and listening. Curiosity shows a person they matter, and validates their sense of self.

And because curiosity shifts us outwards towards understanding, it allows us to sit with the discomfort of differing opinions – even with Not Cat People.

It’s been about seven years since I intentionally stepped into my fully lived life, and I feel like a different person, although outwardly I doubt anyone would notice. I have done one or two things I never dreamed I could, or would want to, and have big goals of doing much more. But mostly the change is in my knowledge of who I am and who I will not apologise for being, in what I want and what I’m capable of.

I now find it thrilling to explore the unknown and feel fearless as I take on this big and messy life. Not because I have any answers, but because I have all the questions.

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