The customer is always right? Not according to this restaurant owner

The owner of a London restaurant has complained that people are no longer ordering enough food and wine to make the place profitable. Lamenting the end of the long, boozy lunch, the owner of The Yellow Bittern, Hugh Corcoran, wrote: “It is now apparently completely normal to book a table for four people, say, and then order one starter and two mains to share and a glass of tap water.”

Not good enough, he says. It’s a restaurant, not a public bench.

What makes a good or bad customer? Every profession has its limits.Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Corcoran may be being a little inhospitable, but it strikes me that every profession has its idea of the good customer and the bad customer. A happy life is if the balance is tipped towards the former rather than the latter.

In restaurants, the bad customer is the person who orders hardly anything and then sits there for hours. Or who makes reservations and then doesn’t show. Or who – shudder – clicks their fingers like some medieval potentate to summon the attention of the waiter.

In retail, it’s the person who stays talking on their phone while the transaction is taking place. The staff member is not worthy of a hello, a thank you, or even a little eye contact. Just put it in a bag, process the transaction, and the customer will be on their way, as if to say: “I am more important than you, my time so valuable you are not worthy of the smallest amount of my attention”.

For doctors – I’ve asked – it’s the patient who arrives an hour early for their appointment and, on that basis, believes they should leapfrog those with appointments before them. They get quite stroppy when told they still have to wait their turn.

Oh, and people like me who, when asked by the doctor to describe their alcohol intake, give a number so low the doctor must fetch a calculator in order to multiply it by 5.4 so as to match the rosy bloom on the patient’s cheeks.

For tradies, the problem is the person who watches them as they work – the tradie bent over the toilet, the customer behind them with arms folded, assessing the work as if they would have the foggiest idea of how to fix the thing.

Or, worse, when they offer suggestions: “Have you tried ...”

This, apparently, happens so frequently to mechanics that some have erected signs in their workshop: “Service fee: $120. If you offer advice: $150. If you help: $225.”

In the busy pub, the problem is the customer who doesn’t make a decision until they get to the front of the queue. “I think Joanne wants a cocktail. Joanne? You want a cocktail, don’t you? Which one do you think? There’s a list on the blackboard there. I’m going to have a beer. I say, my good fellow, what refreshing brews do you have on tap on this fine afternoon?”

The exhausted barman indicates the five taps, each clearly labelled with the beer on offer, that stand prominently between him and the customer.

Meanwhile, the Earth turns, and the icecaps melt, as the crowd behind sighs and whinges and, worst of all, blames the bartender: “The service here is so slow.”

Over at the physiotherapist, the bad customer is the one who fails to do their exercises between visits and yet still expects to get better. (Frankly, I resemble that comment).

At the childcare centre, it’s the parent who brings a child so sick they will instantly infect the whole neighbourhood.

At the hairdresser, it’s the person who changes their mind halfway through the cut. “When I said short, I didn’t mean short. Can’t you put it back somehow?”

Of course, you can always reframe the question and ask various professions what qualities define the terrific customer.

Often, it’s the same whatever the profession. The good customer pays on time. They say “hello” at the start and “thank you” at the end. They don’t say “while you are here...” and expect a free investigation of the dodgy faucet in the laundry.

Sometimes, it’s specific to the profession. The good parent, if you ask a nearby teacher, doesn’t always assume their child is an angel who can do no wrong. Sometimes they even thank you for bringing the child’s “issues” to their attention.

Or, from a tradie, when asked to describe a good customer: “They give you tea and biscuits on a proper white tablecloth. It happens all the time in Woy Woy, but is rare elsewhere.”

Or from a lawyer: “The good client knows you can’t always get them off, however much money they are willing to pay.”

Back in the world of London restaurants, Hugh Corcoran is being criticised by colleagues for his poor attitude. Yes, the long lunch is long-dead, but perhaps that’s a good thing. There are many reasons to order modestly, from budgetary necessity to personal health. And besides, the job of any profession is to change with the times and give people what they want.

Which leaves us with the conclusion: there can sometimes be good and bad people on both sides of the counter.

Maybe we should all try to play nice.

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