Your 50s and 60s don’t have to be lonely. How older women are making new friends

Rachel Halliwell has always been a people person. While her kids were in primary school, she took every opportunity to interact with other parents, helping with bake sales and distributing second-hand uniforms. But last year, shortly before her 50th birthday, her children left primary school, and all those daily interactions disappeared.

“I didn’t want to spend the time I had spare sitting on the couch watching television. I spend a lot of time at home by myself during the week, so I wanted to meet new people,” says Halliwell, who lives in Melbourne.

She decided to join a pottery group and volunteer at a nearby Vinnies shop. Thanks to these communities, Halliwell could chat with others to her heart’s content. She also gained a whole new support system.

Rachel Halliwell (right) has made friends for life while volunteering at her local Vinnies.Credit: Joe Armao

“When I told them about a medical condition, they checked in on me and made sure I was OK,” she says. “You can feel that they really do care about you … And they’re honest, too. I’m pretty sure if I let my hair fade, they’d tell me it’s time to re-dye.”

Many women past 50 find themselves in a similar position to Halliwell – their children have grown up, their jobs may be winding down, and life becomes much quieter.

According to the Household, Income and Labour Dynamics in Australia survey, about 15 per cent of women between 55 and 64 experienced loneliness in 2022. There are many reasons for this, says chief executive of the Australian Psychological Society Dr Zena Burgess.

“For many, their parenting roles are ending, and women are often defined by what they do for their kids. They’re not needed in the way they were, and they haven’t found a new way of being needed yet.”

Many are also navigating major life changes, Burgess says, such as retirement, bereavement or increased caregiving responsibilities, which diminish the amount of time and energy they can invest in new connections. The connections they still have may also begin to change or fade, as naturally happens within many relationships over time.

Not only does loneliness often rise with age, but making friends becomes harder, creating a kind of vicious cycle.

“People forget how to make friends,” Burgess says. “They haven’t done it for a while, so they don’t quite know how to do it any more. If they’re doing the same activities, they’re not going to be meeting new people or have anything new to talk about. So they’re stuck in an ever-decreasing circle of connections.”

Cheryl Kelly, a 63-year-old who lives on the Mornington Peninsula, says she found it nerve-racking when she first rocked up to a golf club: she was a novice at the sport and knew no one there. However, by pushing out of her comfort zone, she found a group of supportive friends whom she now joins for walks and the occasional weekend trip.

“For someone who isn’t used to putting themselves out there, it can be massively daunting,” Kelly says. “But I decided I couldn’t just rely on the grandchildren and children for entertainment ... I needed something for myself.”

Creating new friendships later in life, especially while taking part in some kind of shared interest, has been proven to decrease rates of depression and loneliness, improve wellbeing and decrease the chance of dying from heart disease, says Christina Bryant, an honorary appointee at the University of Melbourne’s School of Psychological Sciences.

“An article in Monitor Psychology put it this way: people judge a hill to be less steep when accompanied by a friend,” Bryant says. “Friendships made later in life help you manage and navigate significant life changes. They’re a buffer from stress.”

Sandra Byak, an 82-year-old from Sydney, has been volunteering at a Vinnies store since 1993. She also volunteers at a council, takes part in church activities, and does weekly exercise with friends from The Older Women’s Network.

Sandra Byak (left) believes the friends she has made later in life have made her a more positive, caring person.Credit: Steven Siewert

“The people I’ve met have made my life so much richer. They’ve made me a much more positive person,” Byak says. “I’m more empathetic, and I always wake up thinking how lucky I am ... I’ve made lifelong friends. I have so many now that there isn’t enough time in a week to see them all.”

As important and fulfilling as her family connections are, Byak says she will always need her friends. Bryant explains that the dynamic with friends, rather than family, is often entirely different.

“Unlike family, you choose your friends – just because somebody’s in your family doesn’t necessarily mean you have the same interests. Whereas if you choose somebody to be your friend based on shared interests, then you’ve truly got something to bond over,” Bryant says.

They don’t even have to be particularly close friends, Bryant notes. Casual friends, those you see perhaps once a month at a community group, are just as valuable as those you speak to on a weekly basis. This is why it’s so important for people over 50 to push themselves to try as many new things as possible, joining local clubs or beginning a new activity to expand their casual social network.

Tessa Moriarty (centre, wearing black) goes for ice-cold ocean swims with friends every morning.

Tessa Moriarty, a 67-year-old who lives in Somers, has joined a litany of groups, including a ukulele club, a knitting circle, a writers’ group, and a book club. In addition, she joins about half a dozen people for ocean swims every morning, sometimes heading to the local cafe afterwards. She may only see some of the friends she’s made through her many activities once a month, but she still considers them family.

“These are my people, they’re my whanau [Maori term for extended family],” Moriarty says. “As I’ve aged, the community around me has become so much more important for staying happy, staying well. When work’s gone, what else is there? That’s why it’s so important to develop sustainable and ongoing friendships.”

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