It’s never too late to reconnect with your sibling. Here’s how

The Oasis comeback tour, which reunites brothers Noel and Liam Gallagher after 15 years apart, has sent fans of the Britpop group into total rapture. Though the reconciliation had long been rumoured, few expected it to happen, considering the years of insults and infighting that plagued the band and the tumultuous estrangement that followed.

The group split in 2009 after an argument between the brothers, which occurred mere hours before they were set to perform at French festival Rock en Seine. “I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer,” Noel said shortly after the shock break-up.

If Noel and Liam Gallagher can reconcile, pretty much anyone can.Credit: Compiled by Monique Westermann.

For more than a decade, the pair kept ample distance, occasionally speaking ill of each other in interviews and on social media. But in August, they announced a reunion tour, bringing their well-documented feud to an end.

Estrangement among families is quite common, with previous research indicating that around one in 25 Australians are affected by it. Reconciliation can often seem impossible, especially after so much time apart. The Gallaghers beat the odds. How can others do the same?

Why are sibling feuds so common?

Research suggests between 25 and 30 per cent of adults globally report ongoing conflict or estrangement with a sibling. Most of these rifts stem from childhood dynamics, says Black Dog Institute clinical psychologist Kayla Steele.

“Some of the most common reasons for siblings to drift apart include ... parental favouritism, which may foster rivalry and jealousy that persists into adulthood; conflicting values and lifestyle choices, such as political views, religion, and lifestyle decisions; and disruptive family events that may expose unresolved, underlying conflicts, such as parental death or divorce,” Steele says.

Despite how common it is, many are reluctant to speak openly about it. Steele attributes this to the social stigma often associated with broken families and the shame some may feel after failing to uphold idealised family roles. Alternatively, people could fear being blamed for the breakdown of the family, or it could dredge up painful memories of unresolved childhood issues.

What impact can rifts have?

Sibling relationships are one of the most enduring bonds, says Dr Katie Wood, an associate professor and clinical psychologist at Swinburne. Through them, people learn vital conflict resolution skills, as arguments and minor fights between young siblings are generally more permissible.

“Siblings are often the person you go to in times of need, in times of despair, in times of joy. To not have that in your life, there can be a real hole,” Wood says. “Sibling relationships or connections usually also tie you to the broader family system.”

How can I reconnect?

Reconciliation usually won’t happen overnight, Wood notes. Consider writing a letter before making direct contact, she says, as this can feel less overwhelming and allows you to carefully choose your words.

Noel (left) and Liam (right) Gallagher reconnected after 15 years apart, showing it’s never too late to reconcile with a sibling.Credit: Alamy

If both siblings agree to meet in person, Wood suggests a neutral location, such as a cafe, and to keep it relatively short.

“Ease back into the relationship. Work out the rules of engagement – what do you want the relationship to look like going forward? How can you find, not necessarily forgiveness, but acceptance?”

Another option is family therapy. Anne Holloway, president of the Australian Association of Family Therapy, says it’s usually best to begin with individual sessions before shifting to shared sessions. This is to assess your commitment to reconciling and to understand the context around the estrangement.

Generally, Holloway recommends steering clear of social media when dealing with sibling conflict. “Social media is sometimes used to attack or for people to try to explain themselves. This is the worst form of communication, as it’s not in a safe, controlled environment. It has the tendency to exacerbate the conflict, and others may become involved and embroiled.”

It’s not working. What should I do?

Genuine reconnection can only occur if both siblings are willing to listen and understand the other’s perspective, Holloway notes. One person cannot force the other to bury the hatchet.

If both siblings agree to work on the relationship but progress has stagnated, Wood suggests mediation. Several mediation organisations, including free-of-charge services, offer a neutral third party to help people navigate the path to resolution.

However, sometimes, people are simply not ready to reconcile. In this case, Wood says it’s crucial to find peace with the situation. This requires a fair deal of reflection and introspection.

“It’s like a death in some ways, it’s a grieving process. Try to reconcile not having that person in your life and shut the door on that. You could journal about it,” she says.

“Sometimes, people might realise that if the person wasn’t their sibling, they probably wouldn’t associate with them in life. There’s a lot of unpacking and complexity involved.”

Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.