Internet dating is not for me. It turns me into a shallow, soulless cow

So, finally, it happened. Following a recent break-up, my friend got hold of my phone and created a profile on a dating app for me. She met her boyfriend on the site last year and is deliriously happy. It was time for me to step out of my comfort zone – so I was informed.

When Wendy Squires had to select potential paramours on carbon-dated photos and kooky captions, she was lost.Credit: ISTOCK

I need to date different men, I was told. Men out of my social group. No more musicians (hey, never say never), no more depressives (point taken there) and no more lost souls destined to drain my empathy dry (hear, hear!).

To be honest, I forgot all about the profile until my friend checked in with me days later. Have a look, she urged. To my astonishment, I had literally hundreds of men “liking” me.

Well, talk about a much-needed ego boost. I was rapt. And so I began the process of swiping. It started well, with me considering each person intricately, until about 100 men in, when I began to feel disappointed with myself.

You see, after a while, I swiped left robotically. I couldn’t flick the faces off the screen quick enough. Because that’s all they were: faces. Okay, some torso shots, a hell of a lot of dogs (didn’t mind that bit) and innumerable capturing of freshly caught fish in one hand and full stubby holder in the other.

If I saw a man in Lycra on a bike, he was gone (sorry; bad past experience). Face piercings? Goodbye (not my thing). Posing in a gym mirror? I don’t think so. Sometimes, I would hover and delve a bit deeper, only to find an objectionable political bent, a polyamorous lifestyle or a snarky attitude about time wasters and teases.

In the end, I was dismissing men on their outfits and haircuts. It was when I started rejecting men shorter than me, I decided that was enough. I was disgusted with myself.

It was when I started rejecting men shorter than me, I decided that was enough. I was disgusted with myself.

WENDY SQUIRES

And so to every man who had made the effort to message me I sent profound apologies for wasting their time and wished them all luck. Internet dating is not for me, I explained. Because it turns me into a shallow, soulless cow.

Yep, I didn’t like myself at all rejecting men on first glance, aware it is mere surface and the story lies beneath. I learnt many years ago that appearance means little when I am in love. Sure, it might attract initially, but it is a very loose thread in the complex weave of the respect, humour and compatibility that is a healthy, equal union.

It seems I am a card-carrying, out-and-proud sapiosexial (attracted to intelligence) – and that just can’t be discovered with mere comments on a man’s Sunday morning rituals or a shared Spotify playlist.

I have dated men in the past I was not initially physically attracted to, only to fall so deep I grew to see them as if they were Brad Pitt – in his dreams! I have been smitten by sweet, shy souls who only open up with trust. I have dated scruffy, unruly types with the softest of hearts and wickedest humours, creative types who best express themselves through their talent … all of whom I cherish to this day.

You see, I don’t have a “physical type”. I am attracted to sharp brains and gentle, open hearts. It’s the bruises and the bumps that make people attractive to me. Their backstories and how they have come through them. The fears they face. The obstacles they overcome. The music they play air guitar to. The dreams that still dwell within.

Apps don’t show that.

So when I had to select potential paramours on carbon-dated photos and kooky captions, I was lost. For me, romance and dating is all about the dance, the tentative to-ing and fro-ing that resolves with trust. It’s about the flush of desire, the meeting of eyes, the exchanging of vulnerabilities.

The fact I flicked past so many potentially sweet men with good intentions looking for love on that dating app is not something I am proud of. So I won’t be going back on in a hurry. Not to say I won’t give it another try. But for now, I am relying on fickle fate when it comes to romance.

Because in real life, you can’t swipe away real potential when it graces you with its unpredictable and powerful presence in all its guises. And if you do, believe me, an app won’t help.

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