In her latest film, Nicole Kidman is a ‘good girl’: The rise of the praise kink

In the trailer for the upcoming A24 film Babygirl, we see actor Harris Dickinson whisper “good girl” to a startled but titillated Nicole Kidman in a bar. The erotic thriller follows the forbidden romance between high-flying chief executive Romy (played by Kidman) and a much younger intern, Samuel, who turns their power dynamic on its head.

Praise or worship kinks, as they are otherwise known, have been a mainstay in romantic fiction for some time. And in the burgeoning audio erotica world, most popular among women and queer people, “praise” is one of the most listened-to genres.

But what is a praise kink, exactly?

Nicole Kidman and Harris Dickinson in Babygirl.

What is a praise kink?

According to sexologist Kendall Buckley, a praise kink is “anything where a person receives praise or a compliment”. This includes phrases like “good boy” and “good girl”, or comments on their appearance or performance. While they don’t have to happen during sex, they are erotic in nature – which is what sets a praise kink apart from a simple compliment.

“It’s a way of building tension and being playful outside the bedroom,” Buckley says, noting that a kink, unlike a fetish, is not required for sexual arousal but can enhance the experience.

Praise kinks, like other kinks, stem from the BDSM community. Buckley says that while some aspects of BDSM – like bondage – tend to be sensationalised in the media, something like a praise kink can be a subtle gateway to exploring BDSM in a safe and consensual way.

It can be used, says Buckley, “as a catalyst to enhance your sexual communication and understand that it is something you might like and have a conversation about that, rather than just launching right in blind”.

Where do praise kinks come from?

Of course, most people enjoy being complimented. Associate Professor Lauren Rosewarne, a social scientist at the University of Melbourne, says that “finding pleasure in being praised is almost universal in the sense that we grow up enjoying that as children”.

“Now, not everybody is going to turn that into something that’s sexual or sexually arousing. But for some people, they do. And that’s the same as a whole lot of different kinks.”

Fifty Shades of Grey – both the book and the film – helped bring kink into mainstream discourse.

Buckley suspects that kinks can stem from childhood. “Our childhood obviously informs so many aspects of our lives. So it’s one of those things that for a lot of people … it can absolutely come from,” she says.

But Rosewarne believes it’s important to be cautious about pathologising certain desires. She points to the “Goldwater rule”, a psychological principle that states that practitioners should not make a diagnosis outside a clinical setting.

“We need to be really careful about making generalisations. Some people might get off to certain things in the bedroom. It doesn’t mean it’s pathological or that it’s the only way they can get off,” she says.

Women’s arousal in particular, Buckley points out, tends to be connected to their partner’s arousal. As a 2019 study found, women tend to adopt an “erotic self-focus” and be turned on by their partner’s affection.

Gender and power

In Babygirl, the relationship between the two characters is shaped by several currents of power. Not only is Romy older, she’s also Samuel’s superior at work. This dynamic is turned on its head as she becomes his submissive.

Rosewarne explains that the erotic lies in this subversion. “There’s the idea that the person with the most power is the one who bestows the compliment, right?”

There’s also the matter of gender. Rosewarne says the prospect of losing control, particularly for women who may be incredibly powerful in their working and social lives, can be incredibly appealing.

“We can go back to more primal gender roles,” says Rosewarne, “where the man who might be more junior in the company nonetheless carries the power of the patriarchy into the bedroom, and therefore those compliments that are triggers or reminders of these – we might consider them to be old-fashioned or retrograde – can become eroticised.”

But it’s important to remember that these fantasies exist in controlled settings, says Buckley. Someone like Romy may reject traditional gender roles but enjoy experimenting with different dynamics of power in her sex life.

And of course, both men and women can have fantasies about dominance or submission – think of the trope of the male politician who loves visiting a dominatrix or BDSM parties. Indeed, the fantasy often lies in having a reprieve from the expectations of responsibility and power in your daily life.

“It really does just come down to personal preference and normalising desires across all genders, regardless of your cultural upbringing or social forces,” says Buckley.

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