As a young woman, I never envisioned my wedding day. I simply wanted a partner to love me in good times and bad. Yet, my relationships had been rocky. I fell quickly for partners, drawn to their emotional intensity and, often, their wounds. Their hurt touched my own and I gave them the understanding and compassion I hoped to receive in return.

I’m a clinical psychologist and this a pretty common pattern I see in my female clients. Their empathy and kindness is given in excess and is rarely reciprocated in the same way. Empathy becomes our blind spot.

It’s a very vulnerable feeling to be a couples’ therapist who can’t find love. I had done plenty of therapy, and I’d tried to learn from my mistakes. I considered myself to be reflective and insightful.

In early 2020, as the pandemic unfolded, I ventured onto a dating app, hoping to find love. There, I met a man who was kind, nurturing and supportive. His interest was clear and I felt reassured. In fact, I started to believe this was “it”. So when he proposed, I said yes, barely two months after meeting him. I told myself: “If you know, you know.”

As we moved in together and started planning a wedding, the cracks began to show: deeply misaligned values, perspectives, attitudes to mental health, and ways of managing conflict. I went from sheer bliss to feeling like nothing I could do was right. From feeling cherished to feeling put down. From having a voice to hiding my feelings. From the elation of having found my person to dreading my wedding day. With all that came the gnawing question: should I stay or should I go?

We’d already sent out invitations. My clients knew I was engaged. It felt shameful to be in this position. Of all people, I should have known better.

The truth is, being a therapist didn’t make any difference. My childhood, my family dynamics and my past relationship wounds overtook my professional skills. My fear of abandonment and of being alone were too strong. My worries that I was “too much” and my doubts that I was worthy of love had been operating unconsciously for years, driving my choice of partners.

I decided this would be the last time they would control my life. I called off my wedding, he moved out, and I went back to therapy. And this time, it was different. The lessons felt truly profound, perhaps because I was finally open to hearing them.

It was schema therapy that changed everything for me. Schema therapy focuses on our unmet emotional needs from childhood, which contribute to the formation of relationship patterns. We’re at the whim of our wounds, which impact our beliefs about ourselves and others, and, in turn, drive our behaviours.

For example, an emotionally distant parent could mean you don’t easily open up to others because you don’t believe your feelings matter. You suppress your feelings and needs and struggle to be vulnerable. Or, if your parents fought a lot, you become the peacekeeper in all your relationships. Emotional stability is foreign and unfamiliar, so you gravitate towards conflict and chaos because you know how to deal with them.

In 2022, I met my current partner and my gut knew this time it was different. My anxiety settled in weeks.

I knew how to deal with a lot, but I had no idea how to actually receive love. I had no idea how a secure, stable relationship felt.

These two ideas served me well. I started learning that I could meet my own emotional needs. I didn’t need a partner to validate my emotions or express pride in me. I could do that. I could reassure myself when I felt alone. I could see my own worth, competence, strength and courage. I had to trust that a healthy relationship would fill me with calm, not anxiety. It had to, if I were to heal.

In 2022, I met my current partner and my gut knew this time it was different. My anxiety settled in weeks. He respected my boundaries. And he was kind – not just in words, but in actions. Plus, he is his own person. He didn’t need me at all, he just wanted my presence. This knowing was too profound, this lesson too important.

I often playfully tell others that I “cracked the code” on finding love. I believe in my core that women deserve access to the tools to find and maintain a healthy relationship. No settling, no losing oneself, no self-sacrificing, no giving without receiving.

Most of all, they deserve to heal and experience self-love that will be the foundation for all their relationships. And so I wrote my book, When Will It Happen for Me?, the book I wish I’d had all those years ago – a guide to finding love and keeping it healthy, whether you’re single, dating or partnered.

I tell my story because no woman should ever feel ashamed of her struggles with romantic love. The struggles aren’t our fault, and they can be overcome. It all starts with that one decision, that one moment that whispers “you deserve better than this”.

When Will It Happen for Me? (The Kind Press) by Phoebe Rogers is out now.

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