How to talk to your teenager about pornography, according to experts

According to a 2024 study, the average age of first being exposed to pornography was 13.2 years for Australian boys and 14.1 years for girls.

It’s enough to make almost any parent squirm, but Brian Willoughby, a social scientist at Brigham Young University who studies the pornography habits of adolescents and the impact on relationships, has some advice: “Don’t panic.”

Instead, he says, help your child understand that “this is a normal and acceptable topic, even if you’re stressed out”. Here are some suggestions for how to broach the subject.

Taking the emotion out of conversations with your teen is a good start, according to experts.Credit: iStock

Build a dialogue

First, try to take some of the intense emotion – yours and your child’s – out of the conversation. “Start with helping them feel calm and validated,” Willoughby says. “They can’t have a conversation with you if they are feeling strong emotions.” Then, he says, “assess their reaction to porn – were they excited, disgusted, attracted, disinterested? – and make them feel safe sharing this with you.”

That shared trust forms the basis for a next step, he says: “Tie your own values into the conversation. Share what your view of porn is and why.”

He notes that adolescents crave a clear explanation, not merely a pronouncement that pornography is “wrong”. Willoughby suggests that parents “talk through some of the details of porn to point out problems with expectations and intimate behaviours” and then “tie these thoughts and views to your overall hopes and values about sexual intimacy”.

Try content blockers

Numerous phone and computer apps offer help blocking pornographic content.

These can “potentially buy a few years of protection” if loaded on a child’s phone and other devices, says Melea Stephens, a family therapist in Alabama who speaks to universities, legislators and church groups about the harm that exposure to pornography can present to children and teenagers.

Despite such barriers, studies indicate that most young people will stumble across the content or find their way to it. At that point, Stephens says, parents should take their adolescent aside and “explain the difference between a real, loving, mutually respectful romantic relationship and the destructive dynamics and metamessages being depicted in pornography”.

A chief concern of scholars is that watching pornography will give younger viewers inaccurate ideas of what to expect from sexual relations. Children and adolescents may not recognise that what they are seeing is not a guide, a documentary or realistic insight into sex and intimacy.

“Help your child become a conscious consumer,” Stephens says. “Equip them with discernment and an internal filter to avoid the pitfalls of pornography.” In her experience, she adds, children and teenagers value having guidance, difficult as the topic might be.

“Keep the conversation going over time,” she says. “Life provides natural opportunities to discuss these issues.”

Seek advice from a doctor

Emily Pluhar, a clinical psychologist at Harvard Medical School, says parents might find it useful to seek input from their child’s healthcare provider. The provider can help educate parents about teen sexual development but also, if the parents wish, join a conversation with the family.

“This can help normalise the discussion and provide a foundation for ongoing conversations about pornography,” Pluhar says. “It also reassures your teen that their health and development are topics that adults are comfortable talking about openly.”

She says parents can and should be honest that this is a complex topic that they are still learning about too.

“You may not have all the answers, and that’s OK,” she says. “Your honesty will show your teen that it is normal to learn together.”

The New York Times

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