‘Grandparents are afraid to say no’: Navigating the politics of caring

Way back in 1980, St Winifred’s School Choir in the UK had a saccharine hit with There’s No One Quite Like Grandma. Now, they’d do better singing, “There’s just no sign of grandma”, as parents complain that involved, adoring grandparents are becoming increasingly rare.

On TikTok recently, a flurry of parents argued that their own mothers and fathers simply aren’t interested in helping out with childcare, while irritated grandparents countered that their absence is often due to having a non-negotiable full-time job.

Others have fallen victim to “no contact” – when adult children cut off their own parents, or have fallen foul of divorce, in which the ex-son or daughter-in-law ends contact with the grandparents.

How involved and available grandparents are to their grandchildren is an increasing source of anxiety to many families.Credit: Getty Images

A recent study by market research company Savanta found that 15 per cent of grandparents surveyed had been blocked from seeing grandchildren due to a family break-up, and more than 50 had been legally reprimanded for attempting contact, with one grandmother admitting, “I’m broken-hearted ... we were always doing exciting things together.”

Penelope Young, co-ordinator of the Worcestershire Grandparents’ Support Group explained: “Although Baby Boomers are doing a great deal to keep families afloat ... they can have unreasonable demands made of them, including for unlimited childcare. Grandparents are afraid to say no, in case they get cut off.”

But it’s not always possible to say yes. And while some grandparents wait in the wings, desperate for a glimpse of their grandchildren, others simply don’t have time – or refuse to find it.

With many older people forced to work up to 70 and beyond to navigate the cost of living, and families scattered kilometres apart by work commitments, the comfortable old routines of grandma baking at home with the toddlers, or offering hours of free childcare after school, are on the wane.

There’s also the fact that we’re having babies much later than in the past, so older first-time grandparents may have health and mobility issues – or simply find running around the park after energetic infants impossible.

In the past, the extended family often lived within a stone’s throw of each other, and grandparental childcare was an ad-hoc arrangement. Those grandparents who do step in now save parents fortunes in nursery and childminder fees. Sun Life insurance recently calculated that altogether, grandparents save British parents up to £96 billion ($200 billion) a year in childcare, travel, food and entertainment costs. Without their help, as expenses spiral, many families would be struggling.

“Our kids see the grandparents a fair amount, but it is most definitely on grandparents’ terms,” said one male Telegraph reader. “We are constantly told that they are retired and have a life to live, and that the grandkids must fit around their schedule. To be clear, we don’t have a problem with this,” he added, “but equally, they can’t expect us to drive the kids 45 minutes each way at their whim and have a go at us when we don’t jump to the schedule – which does happen.”

Ideally, he and his partner would prefer their children to be cared for by family, but, he added, “We’re both working – and sometimes it’s easier for us to put them into local childcare rather than add an extra hour and a half to our day.”

Sanji Anno*, 46, from Reading, is a mother to teens aged 16 and 18, and has also struggled with a lack of help.

“I used to be a lawyer but had to give up work due to the lack of reliable childcare,” she said.

Her father died, and her own mother lives abroad, but “she tried her best to help when she could”. Her husband’s parents, however, live in the North and “have always been involved only when it suits them. They have a huge friendship circle and are always busy with socialising and travelling with their friends.”

While she understands that they need to enjoy their lives, “their lack of interest in their grandchildren’s lives has forced me to conclude they avoid any commitments which could hinder their freedom”, she said.

Sanji is reluctant to ask for support, fearing that her resentment will only grow when they refuse. “When I gave birth and I couldn’t drive for a while, my mother-in-law refused to help, saying she had to meet some of her friends coming over from the US.”

Most of all, she admits, she is hurt on her children’s behalf. “It’s the lack of normal, loving grandparents who are interested and involved in my children’s lives,” she said. “Grandparents are the bulwark of any family and often help to pass down family culture, tradition and history – my children have lost out on that aspect, too.”

“Not interested” seems to run counter to every accepted narrative around grandparents – but it’s surprisingly common.

Rebecca Fieldhouse* lives in Bristol with her 10-year-old son. Her own mother lives in Spain, and is in poor health, which makes travelling difficult.

“My ex in-laws live just an hour away, but despite travelling all over the country with their tourer caravan, they see coming to Bristol as too much of an inconvenience. My son has picked up on this as he knows when I’ve invited them over and they haven’t come,” she said.

“What’s really annoying is that each time we do meet they always say, ‘We should do this more often’ but he knows they don’t mean it. It’s this disingenuousness that means he doesn’t want to spend time with them and it’s ruled out me asking them for help.”

As well as feeling hurt for her son, Rebecca added: “I’m sad for me, too. As a lone parent, I would like nothing more than to have some general support and to have a family who love my son the way I do. He’s really easy to engage in conversations and activities, no one has to try particularly hard – but he is also astute, and he’s decided the paternal grandparents simply do not want to spend time with him.”

For those with parents who simply aren’t interested, life can also be much harder on a practical level.

“My parents still work,” says Laura Curtis*, 35, a designer from Birmingham. “My husband Richard’s parents don’t, and they live a 15-minute drive away, but there’s just no interest from them. I didn’t expect much at first, because I was breastfeeding and couldn’t leave Sonny for long anyway – but now he’s two and they never offer to have him or help out.”

She’s now pregnant again, and adds: “I truly thought we’d be turning them down – my friends’ parents are all desperate to see the grandchildren, buying gifts and offering holidays and childcare. My in-laws are well-off and active, but they only see Sonny when we invite them for Sunday lunch. My mum-in-law will play with him a bit, but it’s as though he’s some random child, and not someone they’re particularly close to.”

When they have asked for help in emergencies, “there’s always some reason why they can’t, and they never offer an alternative time or suggestion”, she said.

Richard is used to it. “She was quite a hands-off mother, I realise now. It’s more upsetting at the moment as our second baby is coming and I know we can’t expect any help. I get the feeling she’s happy her childcaring days are over. Meanwhile, my Mum would love to help, but she can’t because she has to work for another six years.”

No longer do we retire at 60, ready to grasp the familial reins again – and that can be hard for guilty grandparents too, said Suzy Jackson, a neurodiversity coach. “I was a young parent and am now a young grandparent,” she said.

“When [my grandchild] was born, three generations of his family were still alive and in the workforce – his Dad was 20, I was 42, and my Mum was 65. As a young parent myself, I didn’t get all the free grandparent childcare I’d very much hoped for, because my parents were still working and living their best lives in their 50s.” By contrast, Suzy’s own grandparents were available every weekend.

“Now, as a grandparent, I want to be incredibly hands-on,” Suzy said. “But it’s hard, because I’m not just still working but arguably in the prime of my career.” There is a compromise, however, Suzy explained. “It might not be Granny’s Daycare 24/7, but I make sure we have a day together each week, so that his Mum and Dad can have a break and some time to be themselves – and I can be the grandparent I’d have liked my own son to have.”

*Some names have been changed.

The Telegraph, London

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