Desperately dating? It’s your sign to stay single

Are you single and desperate for a partner? As Valentine’s Day dawns, be alert and alarmed. A new dating site is hitting our shores, and it wants your business.

It’s called Desperate Dating, and it is targeted at the 28.2 per cent of Australian singles who are – according to research conducted by the site that may or may not be scientifically valid – desperate for a partner. Created by “niche dating entrepreneur” David Minns (also the proud founder of small penis dating, and no, I am not making this up), Desperate Dating welcomes people who identify as having been single for at least three years, and are “seriously keen” for a relationship.

According to a new dating app, almost 30 per cent of single people are “desperate” for a partner.Credit: iStock

About 16 months ago, I would have qualified for Desperate Dating. I’d been single for eight and a half years, which, if my calculations are correct, is just a shade longer than three.

I did not consider myself desperate, but I did struggle for many years with the stigma of being single. Our culture regards romantic relationships as the pinnacle of human achievement, particularly for women. No matter what we accomplish in life, no matter how self-actualised or fulfilled we are, it all fades into insignificance next to the great, gaping lack of a romantic partner.

We are taught that it is better to be in a relationship – any relationship, really – than to be alone. I lost count of the number of times I was told (by partnered people, mind you) that my single status was my fault. I was too picky, or too difficult, or my standards were too high. I needed to give more men a try. I needed to settle. I needed to be a bit more desperate.

I find it bizarre that single people are pressured into settling. After all, choosing a life partner is a profoundly important decision, probably the most important choice a person will ever make. Your partner will elevate you, or they will bring you down. They will enhance your life, or detract from it. They will help you to be your best self, or turn you into someone you don’t like at all. It isn’t like picking an outfit to wear. It has consequences for every aspect of your life.

Now, lowering your standards and settling for a partner – any partner – can work for a while. Over time, however, it can become genuinely catastrophic. Those little incompatibilities can become raging problems. The discontent can turn into frustration, or despair. The mild “ick” you feel can morph into disgust.

And when you’re desperate to be in a relationship, you’ll have no bargaining power within it. If you’re so frightened of being single that you’re never prepared to walk away, you’ll have to put up with whatever behaviour your partner dishes out. If they are selfish, or mean, or abusive, or just plain dull, you’ll have to grit your teeth, and endure.

Happily, there is a solution, and it is not Desperate Dating (or, I suspect, small penis dating). The solution is to stop believing that salvation lies in another person. The solution is to learn to be okay on your own. Being single isn’t a problem to be solved by a “niche dating entrepreneur”; it is a perfectly valid way to live. And our culture needs to stop idealising romantic relationships. Being coupled up isn’t a magical cure all, nor does romantic love guarantee happiness. Plenty of couples are barely limping along, and many married people fantasise relentlessly about being single.

I was single for many years, but I was never desperate. I chose being alone over settling for the wrong relationship, and I am so grateful I did.

On this Valentine’s Day, don’t be desperately dating. Don’t join a site that preys on our culture’s absurd stigma against singledom, and treats being unpartnered as some kind of tragedy. Don’t lower your standards or be less picky, and don’t settle for someone simply because they are prepared to settle for you.

Choose yourself. Choose to live fully. Choose to be choosy. Choose it now! You’re not desperate. You’re perfectly whole. Desperate dating? Do not download.

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