‘An enthralling country, but be prepared to be naked’: A survivor’s guide to Europe

“Try our schnapps punch,” read the Slovenian bar sign. “You will never get better.” You can’t say we weren’t warned. But it’s vital when travelling to try new things, despite hangovers and occasional hospital admissions.

Germans only look if you dare not to bare. Saunas actually have signs decreeing: “Clothing Forbidden.”Credit: Getty Images

Europe is a cultural minestrone, offering a bit of everything from curious cuisine to quaint customs. As a travel writer, I’ve been lucky enough to explore much of this fascinating continent. I’ve made many a faux pas and caused the odd diplomatic incident, like the night I told ex-French president Jacques Chirac that his wife was très gelee (fat) instead of très jolie (pretty.) Come on, they do sound similar!

To avoid being exiled to Social Siberia, here are some top tips:

France I’ve always thought that haute couture is just a big fat nothing, with its nose in the air. But clearly that attitude does not cut the sartorial mustard on the Champs-Élysées. Make an effort, or risk being arrested by the Chic Police and deported with a warning to “Never Darken My Dior again.” This would be a shame, as you don’t want to miss out on France’s astounding cultural treasures and gastronomic delights.

Greece “Watch out!” I screamed to my Greek taxi driver as he nearly took out an orthodox priest who dived for cover, and sent a shisha-smoking clique of blokes sitting outside a coffee shop face forward into their baklava. “If people don’t like the way I drive, they should get off the sidewalk!” he explained.

Living in Australia, a woman of a certain age gets so used to a lack of male attention she thinks she possesses the sexual magnetism of limp lettuce.

KATHY LETTE

The only rule in Athens is that there are no rules – especially on the road. This ancient, beguiling city is basically a 50km/h gridlock with everybody driving as though on crystal meth. Just get yourself a set of worry beads and go with the flow – the traffic flow – because Greece not only haemorrhages history, but the locals, when not driving, are so warm and welcoming.

Italy Living in Australia, a woman of a certain age gets so used to a lack of male attention she starts to think she possesses the sexual magnetism of limp lettuce. We worry that Interpol will put out a chastity alert on us: “Not Wanted. Dead or Alive.” Well, not in Italy. Having van Gogh’s ear for language isn’t a problem, either, because Italian men are fluent in body language.

Perhaps it’s because this whole enchanting, stunningly beautiful country is chock-a-block with priceless antiquities: meaning the locals appreciate the charms of an old ruin.

The Netherlands Gliding towards Amsterdam by boat, you’ll marvel at this city, which floats and shimmers up out of the water like a mirage.

The medieval gabled houses, the flower-bedecked canals and arched wrought-iron bridges suffuse the city with an old-world charm. And the best way to see it is by bike.

The reason the Dutch are so slim and trim is because they cycle everywhere. But don’t forget your trouser grips. Getting your jeans leg caught in your bike chain gives a whole new meaning to a “vicious cycle”.

Germany An enthralling country, but be prepared to be naked. A lot. Don’t worry if your birthday suit needs a little ironing; nobody’s looking. Germans only look if you dare not to bare. Saunas actually have signs decreeing: “Clothing Forbidden.”

Austria This country exudes culture from every nook and creative cranny. Opulence, elegance, palaces, pastries, art, music; the fin de siècle atmosphere of Vienna will be right up your boulevard. But bone up on classical music, otherwise you’ll soon be suffering from “post-traumatic Strauss syndrome”.

Denmark There’s nothing rotten in the state of Denmark: it’s just been named the world’s second-happiest place. So, how to crack the Norse code? Maybe they’re on a permanent herring high? No, I think it’s because everyone’s so damn good-looking; forget Nordic noir, I’m talking Nordic phwoarr!

There are so many other spectacular European countries but I’ve run out of room … meaning you’ll just have to go and see for yourselves. But don’t miss Finland, the only country with a word for getting drunk alone in your underwear (kalsarikännit or päntsdrunk), which is possibly why it’s just beaten Denmark to rank as the world’s happiest place.

So get packing.

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