Adulthood is chock-full of disappointment. Our kids need to face the truth

James Sicily, the captain of my beloved Hawthorn, is lining up for a crucial set shot at goal with just 63 seconds remaining in the 2024 AFL semi-final against Port Adelaide. He hits the post and, ultimately, the Hawks lose the match by three points, ending our finals campaign.

There was one emotion that united all Hawks fans at that moment, and it was disappointment. Whether it’s a missed goal, a failed exam, or the cancellation of a long-anticipated event, disappointment is woven into the fabric of life.

Hawthorn captain James Sicily reacts after hitting the post in a crucial kick during the 2024 semi-final against Port Adelaide.Credit: Getty Images

Yet, in my decades of working with young people, I have witnessed a growing reluctance – among parents and society at large – to allow children to experience and learn from disappointment. Instead, we rush to shield them, to smooth the path, and to rescue them at the first sign of distress. In doing so, we rob them of one of life’s most important teachers.

Disappointment, far from being an enemy, is a practice lap for adulthood – a necessary training ground where young people develop the resilience, perspective, and coping skills that will serve them throughout their lives.

When we allow young people to encounter disappointment, we give them the opportunity to process and label emotions. This emotional literacy is a cornerstone of mental health.

Each setback, when navigated with support rather than avoidance, becomes a stepping stone towards greater resilience. The ability to bounce back from disappointment is a skill that will be called upon repeatedly in adult life.

‘Emotional literacy is a cornerstone of mental health.’

Disappointment teaches young people that setbacks are not the end of the world. It encourages them to step back, assess situations objectively, and reframe negative experiences in a constructive light.

Learning to manage disappointment without immediate adult intervention fosters autonomy and problem-solving skills – qualities essential for successful adulthood.

In recent years, there has been a well-intentioned but ultimately misguided trend towards overprotection. Parents, anxious to spare their children pain, intervene at the first sign of trouble – calling teachers to dispute grades, negotiating with coaches for more playing time, or simply removing obstacles altogether. This concierge parenting can go too far, undermining the authority and boundaries that young people need to thrive.

The result? A generation less equipped to handle life’s inevitable disappointments. When children are not allowed to fail, they do not learn that failure is survivable. When every setback is cushioned, they miss the chance to develop the grit and tenacity that adulthood demands.

So, what advice can this heritage-listed child and adolescent psychologist give parents when their offspring has to face disappointment?

First, resist the urge to immediately fix the problem. Step back and allow your child time to process their feelings and find the words to express them.

Next, help them assess the situation objectively. A reality check gets them to evaluate whether it is really as bad as it seems.

Importantly, don’t let disappointment fester into resentment or anxiety. Encourage constructive reflection rather than rumination.

Finally, do talk about it when they are ready, as encouraging expression can help young people process disappointment in a healthy way. Young people work much better as processing plants for emotions than sterile containers.

Simple techniques, such as deep breathing, can help manage the physiological response to disappointment, keeping young people in “thinking mode” rather than “reaction mode”.

Adulthood is not a series of uninterrupted triumphs. It is, more often, a journey marked by challenges, setbacks, and the need for adaptation. By allowing our children to experience and learn from disappointment, we are not being cruel – we are preparing them for reality. We are teaching them that randomness and chaos happen in the universe, that life can be tough, that things can go wrong, and that what matters most is how we respond.

As parents and caregivers, our role is not to eliminate disappointment but to walk alongside our young people as they navigate it. We must model resilience, encourage positive thinking, and provide the support they need to emerge stronger from each setback.

James Sicily will have other kicks, and Hawthorn will rise again, just as our children will face new challenges and setbacks. If we can teach them to greet disappointment not with fear or avoidance but with courage and curiosity, we will have given them a gift far greater than any fleeting victory.

Michael Carr-Gregg is an adolescent psychologist and the author of 14 books on mental health.

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