I still love to go to the footy — despite the facts my team consistently sucks at it and my couch is very comfy — and the food has quite a bit to do with why.

I’m not talking about the hatted chefs, the new and impressive gourmet offerings or the vegan parmas (especially not the vegan parmas) that the big stadiums like to boast about bringing in to cater to evolving tastes, dietary requirements, and – they hope – budgets.

Nah mate. To me (and thousands of others, amiright?) going to the footy is a basic, nostalgic pleasure. We want a contest. We want a crowd to roar with (or against). We want to holler our jaunty old club song at the end, and dammit, we want pies, chips and not to pay extra for sauce, thanks very much.

And the best bit? Against the tidal wave of price increases coming at us from every direction, footy food prices remain pretty steady. Especially at Marvel Stadium where pies ($4.70) and hot dogs ($6) this season will be cheaper than they were in 2016. Madness!

So, put down your soup- (or wine-) filled thermos and join me in embracing footy’s classic fast food. Because we all know calories don’t count as soon as you squeeze through those turnstiles.

After 40+ years of intensive research from the outer, here are the definitive power rankings of classic footy food. Plus some more rankings from actual AFL players, who, let’s be honest, don’t look like a chip has passed their lips in years.

5. Hot dog

Consistently disappointing when consumed in a footy stadium environment because of several factors: contrary to its name, the “dog” is usually stone cold, the bun is stodgy, stale and bland, and ... well that’s it. No trimmings, nothing wet to help it slide down your gullet. Prepare to cough up extra for sauce and mustard (if you’re lucky) and to also literally cough up a mealy mix of dry bread and dry Don frankfurt as you try to swallow. To paraphrase Tina Turner: simply the wurst.

4. Chicken tenders

Nothing against you, chicken tenders, but you’re not all that tender after an hour in the bain marie. Sure, you usually come with some bonus chippies and are a safe option for kids big and small. But to me, you are not a footy food, but an air-fryer food, and an emergency hangover-busting one at that. Without any dipping sauce of interest to perk you up, you’re a disappointing, slightly soggy, and always over-priced flop.

3. Hot chips

Must be freshly fried, hot and salty, because there’s nothing more disappointing than climbing a flight of steep stairs and awkwardly shimmying across several laps to sit down and discover your chips are cold, under-seasoned and a less-than-advertised serving size. Plus there’s the very real risk of people around you (and seagulls above you) stealing some. Served hot and right, and with the option of aioli (I know, outrageous), footy chippies have GOAT potential. For now, solid middle-of-the-ladder territory.

2. Hot jam doughnuts

Mostly found in the food vans around the ground (MCG, I’m looking at you), these warm, comforting sugar-tumbled, jammy-filled delights can brighten up any 10-goal spanking and are a rare sweet footy treat in a field of salty, beige contenders. What’s that? They only come in bags of five? What a shame. I’ll take just the two bags then, thanks.

1. The Four ’N Twenty pie

It’s you, it’s always been you. Gourmet pies may come and go, but slipping this pocket warmer out of its crackly packaging, squeezing sauce over it, waiting, if you can, for that mysteriously moreish beef(?) mince to reach just the right temperature (i.e. below scald-the-roof-of-your-mouth-off hot) while trying not to dribble it down your front is one of Melbourne’s iconic eating experiences. And one that cannot be replicated at home, despite pies being sold in supermarkets. Coming in at under a fiver, it’s also one of its cheapest. Don’t ever change, footy pie.