Arj Barker’s biggest joke was evicting a breastfeeding mum from his show

Instagram is abuzz with news that comedian Arj Barker ceased his performance at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival a few minutes in to publicly request a woman with her baby depart the audience as he feared the seven-month-old would make noises and detract from his show.

A variety of views have been aired on this, including whether a comedy show is an appropriate place for a baby, and the public has been divided between scolding the woman for attempting such a feat, and championing her for trying.

Following this event, women have been coming forward to share their stories of other comedians who, when caught off guard by a baby in the audience but being nonetheless used to heckling, have embraced it as part of their show. American comedian Matt Rife ended up with a baby on stage at his Australian performance earlier this year and it helped rather than hindered the LOLs.

This latest example speaks to a far bigger issue in our country: we don’t tolerate children in public spaces. To be clear, I have no concerns with baby-free spaces existing. My concern is that, since having kids, I have noticed that this is too often the rule, not the exception. It isn’t explicit, it is cultural, and understanding why these unspoken rules exist often feels a little arbitrary. It also isn’t a universal experience.

Last year I took my kids to Italy and it was a delightful culture shock. When I asked my Italian mother-in-law about whether we should look into nanny options to assist us on the journey, she laughed. Italians simply take their children with them. Everywhere. Children enjoy bars and restaurants in Sicily, sometimes until the early hours of the morning, making friends with other kids. Not only is it tolerated, it is welcomed, and you receive a lot of smiles.

Friends tell me Spain has a similar attitude in its bars and restaurants, where kids play and interact until late. And I hear Greece is similar.

Back home, my sister-in-law, who is well-practised in dining out with her children, suggested I prioritise Asian restaurants for dinner. Thai and Japanese are always fairly reliable because, despite the amount of rice lying in a ring around the chairs post-dinner, there is never a whiff of disgruntled attitude. And they love seeing you return.

So I dare say, this is an Anglo issue. An extension of the NO BALL GAMES sign outside a London apartment building, an echo of the familiar refrain many grew up with: that children should be seen but not heard.

So few and far between are places that make mothers and children feel welcome that I’ve resorted to Googling “child-friendly brunch spots” and I now keep a list on my phone. I even endured someone complaining to me about children at the beach over summer, so I guess that’s ruled out, too.

There’s always the risk of tears, especially when you reach toddler years, but most parents will depart if this occurs. It’s no longer enjoyable for mother or child in that context, so why would we stay? I’d hazard a guess the mother at the comedy gig would have been the first to take it on herself to exit if her child had started excessively bothering either crowd or comedian. But the expectation that there be no noise at all is a high bar, and one that seems selectively applied to children when you consider the heckles and liveliness (sometimes intoxicated) from comedy festival crowds.

Currently, the bar set for children is silent and invisible, and certainly not partaking in any behaviour that might, indeed, identify them as a … child. Heaven forbid! That standard is impossible to satisfy if mothers like me are ever to leave our homes. And for parents who already feel isolated, this is a hugely compounding factor.

Being family-friendly is less about whether you have highchairs, room for a stroller, or a kids’ menu. It’s about the environment and attitudes of the establishment and its staff.

We talk a lot about the gender pay gap, women’s representation in politics and a multitude of areas we need to desperately improve on, but these challenges permeate so many more experiences beyond just work and pay. It’s also about “play”.

Hospitality, corporates and the public should keep in mind that if you want women of child-rearing age to be welcome, that means children are too. So to all mums daring to take back a little bit of public space for their families, welcome to the revolution. See you out there, at your favourite local establishment or, dare I say it – comedy gig. At least babies in the audience give comedians an excuse for dad jokes.

Brigid Meney is a mum who enjoys leaving her house with her children occasionally.

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